Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, April 10rd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Hanh, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also too, Happy Birthday also too to Gary, who also too turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York. The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
We have been up, for some reason, since the veritable crack of ass this morning, in case you’re wondering why you’re seeing this e-pisstle ever so much earlier than usual. And We are working this evening, but fortunately the show starts at seven. You will all be there, yes? For The Walker and O’Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House. Please see info here https://www.facebook.com/events/354066574733564/ , and get your tickets quickly, because there is extremely limited seating. (And We’re not kidding about that…it takes place in the ballroom of an historic Philadelphia house, and We could pretty much only get one ball in there.)
It just occurred to Us that We are neither Walker nor O’Dare. Excuse Us while We call Our agent…
In other show business news, please Save The Date for Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!
In still other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities!
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Michael Pitt’s birthday. We don’t know about you (and, quite frankly, We don’t care), but We have wanted to do dirty, dirty things to Michael Pitt ever since he first appeared on Dawson’s Crack…er, Creek. Michael: call Us…We’ll have cake.
Your boundless energy (Jigga wut?)
is perfect for engaging with kids of all ages. (How ‘bout twenty-four year olds?)
You may feel quite a bit younger yourself, (Than what?)
so don’t be too surprised if you end up making games out of your daily tasks. (After Michael Pitt and We have cake, We’re gonna play Poop Chutes And Ladders.)
(Oh, no she di’int!)
You’re as bubbly as a can full of soda pop, and with good reason. (Is there a good reason why that sentence doesn’t have “champagne” in it?)
Some recent changes you’ve made have really started to pay off, (And yet, We’re still wearing Our Tuesday panties.)
and you’re able to see just how many choices you have in your life. (What if We choose not to see? What THEN, huh?)
It’s pretty darned wonderful, (Is it just Us, or is “darned” pretty much an anti-intensifier?)
and part of you wants to get out there and spread the word to your fellow humans. (Unless, of course, the fellow human in question is Michael Pitt, in which case it’s not his word We want to spread.)
Hold off on any evangelizing tendencies, (Preach!)
however, and be content to lead by example. (Why is “sexample” not a word?)
It’s really the most effective method. (Unlike rhythm.)
It’s all too easy to believe in criticism (You’re only saying that because you’re ugly.)
and to be skeptical of sincere compliments. (Well, We’d have to hear one first, wouldn’t We?)
Now is not the best time for you to be self-deprecating, though! (Or self-defecating. Because then, We’d have to change Our Tuesday panties.)
You need to show off your confidence side by graciously accepting every bit of praise you get. (“Confidence side”? Seriously? And yet, We can’t get an editing job.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.