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Friday, April 25, 2014

Wynona’s got a big brown beaver

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FridayFridayFriday, April 25rd , 2014.

Only eight more shopping months till Christmas. 

 Happy Birthday to Our Manhattanese Sistah, Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattanesia. 

Here is a little video in Her honor:

 Also, Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Gentle Readers Down Undah in Australia and New Zealand. Anzac Day is, of course, nowhere near as much fun as Administrative Profanity Day, but fuck it.

Alternatively, butt fuck it.  Now THERE’S some administrative profanity.

 (We mention Administrative Profanity Day mainly because We totes missed it earlier in the week.  Also, because We just totes block-copied this entire section from last year’s e-pissode.)

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lana Turner…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Okay, celebrity-wise, it is Daniel Sharman’s birthday today, and why is this the first We are hearing of this fine specimen?  YouPeople never tell Us anything. Or take Us anywhere.  Or hire Us a hooker…

And now, because Our day is scurrying away from Us apace, We present herewith Kelli’s daily blatherings, sans commentary.  You will simply have to IMAGINE what We are thinking.  (Hint: It isn’t pretty.):

This isn’t a good time to try new endeavors — not even those that seem like they are the best of ideas. Your energy is just better suited to cleaning up old problems or motoring along on the same paths.  Your life has been rather interesting recently. You’ve challenged authority and come away virtually unscathed, and then you moved on to handle cranky relatives, jealous friends and a sweetie with a bit of an attitude for no good reason. It’s long past time for you to take a break and allow the universe to arrange for a last-minute change of plans that is sure to work out well for you.  For real problems, you need real solutions and not just good ideas. Take a good look at your love life — is this what you want, or do you require something more? Dive deep and be honest with yourself.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.