Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 1th, 2014.
This is the point in the proceedings where We would generally wish a Happy Birthday to several SitOnMyFaceBook “friends” (whom We most likely have never met) who are having birthdays today, following which We would alert them to their mention herein with a SitOnMyFaceBook message which they would resoundingly ignore.
However, as They say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (They say so many things. Presumably because people keep listening.)
So instead, We are today going to wish a Happy Birthday to some people who might actually be paying attention. (Bonus points to anyone who just said, “Sorry…did you say something?” (Boner points to anyone who was naked when they said it.))
First and Formosa, Happy Birthday to Allen, all the way out in Madagascar, or Mesopotamia, or some such, who turns twenty-four today. Allen very kindly reminds Us that, no matter what he is wearing, his birthday suit is only one outfit away. Plus, if it is his birthday, not only can We picture him naked, We can picture him naked and covered in birthday cake frosting. WINNING!
(In the interests of full disclosure, We should point out that We have actually seen Allen naked. (We have also seen him in a Speedo™ with a statue of the Virgin Mary stuck in the crotch. (If you think that is an April Fool’s joke, you’ve got another kink thumbing.)))
Seconal™, Happy Birthday to everyone We know named “Kevin”, all of whom turn twenty-four today. It occurred to Us as We were mentally composing today’s e-pisstle that, in all of Our twenty-four years, We are fairly certain that We have never met a Kevin whom We didn’t like. Certainly not amongst Our current crop, to whose birthday suits We are mentally applying strategically-placed frosting rosebuds as We speak.
(Again, in the interests of full disclosure, We must point out that We have seen one of Our current crop of Three Wise Kevins naked. (We have seen another one covered in smashed tomato. (Top THAT, Kevin Number Three.)))
(We were originally going to do the preceding with “Josh”s, until We realized the thing about “never meeting a Kevin We didn’t like”. We’ve known a lot more Joshs than Kevins over the years, and We’re fairly certain We didn’t much care for at least one or two of them. None, fortunately, amongst Our current crop of Joshs, so Happy Birthday to all y’all. (And Happy Birthday Suits. (How’s THAT for “shameless clickwhoredom”, Josh K?)))
(We couldn’t possibly do it with Michaels, because every second guy We know seems to be called Michael.)
Thirsty, Happy Birthday to Mike, and Doh, and Joe, and LexInChina, each of whom turns twenty-four today. This is a Sesame Street “One-Of-These-Things-Is-Not-Like-The-Others” game just waiting to happen…and We are Big Bird. (Did that sound vaguely dirty to you in some way? Because it sounded vaguely dirty to Us, and We even had some idea what We were talking about. (For a change.))
Here is the obligatory Nixon in China reference.
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
Absolutely no celebrities were born today.
And here, for a change of pace, your horoscopes courtesy of theonion.com:
Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages in bed.
This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few penises in bed.
Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations in bed.
Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week in bed.
You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid in bed.
You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick in bed.
You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment in bed.
If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster kind of guy in bed.
Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?" in bed.
The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs in bed.
Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college in bed.
Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen in bed.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.