Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 1th, 2014.
This
is the point in the proceedings where We would generally wish a Happy Birthday
to several SitOnMyFaceBook “friends” (whom We most likely have never met) who
are having birthdays today, following which We would alert them to their mention
herein with a SitOnMyFaceBook message which they would resoundingly ignore.
However,
as They say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results. (They say so many
things. Presumably because people keep
listening.)
So
instead, We are today going to wish a Happy Birthday to some people who might
actually be paying attention. (Bonus
points to anyone who just said, “Sorry…did you say something?” (Boner points to
anyone who was naked when they said it.))
First
and Formosa, Happy Birthday to Allen, all the way out in Madagascar, or
Mesopotamia, or some such, who turns twenty-four today. Allen very kindly reminds Us that, no matter
what he is wearing, his birthday suit is only one outfit away. Plus, if it is
his birthday, not only can We picture him naked, We can picture him naked and
covered in birthday cake frosting. WINNING!
(In
the interests of full disclosure, We should point out that We have actually
seen Allen naked. (We have also seen him
in a Speedo™ with a statue of the Virgin Mary stuck in the crotch. (If you think that is an April Fool’s joke,
you’ve got another kink thumbing.)))
Seconal™,
Happy Birthday to everyone We know named “Kevin”, all of whom turn twenty-four
today. It occurred to Us as We were
mentally composing today’s e-pisstle that, in all of Our twenty-four years, We
are fairly certain that We have never met a Kevin whom We didn’t like.
Certainly not amongst Our current crop, to whose birthday suits We are mentally
applying strategically-placed frosting rosebuds as We speak.
(Again,
in the interests of full disclosure, We must point out that We have seen one of
Our current crop of Three Wise Kevins naked.
(We have seen another one covered in smashed tomato. (Top THAT, Kevin
Number Three.)))
(We
were originally going to do the preceding with “Josh”s, until We realized the
thing about “never meeting a Kevin We didn’t like”. We’ve known a lot more Joshs than Kevins over
the years, and We’re fairly certain We didn’t much care for at least one or two
of them. None, fortunately, amongst Our
current crop of Joshs, so Happy Birthday to all y’all. (And Happy Birthday Suits. (How’s THAT for “shameless
clickwhoredom”, Josh K?)))
(We
couldn’t possibly do it with Michaels, because every second guy We know seems
to be called Michael.)
That
said…
Thirsty,
Happy Birthday to Mike, and Doh, and Joe, and LexInChina, each of whom turns
twenty-four today. This is a Sesame Street “One-Of-These-Things-Is-Not-Like-The-Others”
game just waiting to happen…and We are Big Bird. (Did that sound vaguely dirty
to you in some way? Because it sounded
vaguely dirty to Us, and We even had some idea what We were talking about. (For a change.))
Here is the obligatory Nixon in China reference.
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking
for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the
harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the
link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
Absolutely no celebrities were born today.
And here, for a change of pace, your
horoscopes courtesy of theonion.com:
Aries
Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and
you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages
in bed.
Taurus
This is a good time to make aggressive moves
at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no
one will miss a few penises in bed.
Gemini
Since it hates its job barfing out your
future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get
drunk with the other disgruntled constellations in bed.
Cancer
Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of
joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case,
you're not winning the lottery this week in bed.
Leo
You'll slowly become the person you hate—the
person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above
them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid in bed.
Virgo
You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when
receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped
around a thrown brick in bed.
Libra
You will soon open your Twelfth House of
Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a
Second House of Employment in bed.
Scorpio
If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in
your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster
kind of guy in bed.
Sagittarius
Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed
when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you
ask, "Where's the party at?" in bed.
Capricorn
The men in lab coats will make another silent
midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in
bedbugs in bed.
Aquarius
Doors will swing open for you in a way they
haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college in bed.
Pisces
Oh, man, next week is going to be really
something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of
knowing what's about to happen in bed.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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