Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, April 23th , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Amy, who turns twenty-four today across the bridge in Collingswood. (Can anyone else never hear “Collingswood” without also hearing, “My name is Victoria Winters”? Just Us? Alrighty, then. (We know The Voices aren’t real, but they have such interesting ideas.)).
Also, Happy Birthday to Heather, who also turns twenty-four today. In Connecticut. (About which The Voices say nothing.)
Also, Happy Birthday to Hedgerow, who also turns twenty-four today. And, if you think “Hedgerow” is a stupid first name, imagine how stupid a last name “BoxOffice” is.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Bill and Robb, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in the universe sometime since Monday. And Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, who is saving up to turn twenty-four NEXT year.
In news that will surprise absolutely no one, Neil Patrick Harris is a big ol’ fat hit in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which opened yesterday on Broadway. We follow him on Twatter, so naturally We twatted him “Warm kisses on your opening” yesterday afternoon. Oddly enough, he did not respond. At any rate, the reviews are in, and Mister Harris is getting raves. As is his co-star, Lena Horne. Who seems a peculiar choice for the role of Yitzhak. Especially as she is dead and all.
Our point, however, is that, if you were waiting to make sure the reviews were good before surprising Us with tickets for Our birthday, you need wait no longer. Front row would be lovely, thank you. If Mister Harris spits upon Us, We may never wash again.
In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!
We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Faithful Gentle Readers are aware that, at this point in the proceedings, We consult Our celebrity birthday website to ascertain what famous folk first graced the planet on this day in history. The site presents Us with forty-eight such folk, arranged, We had always imagined, in “more famous” to “less famous” order. Imagine Our surprise today, when We were confronted with:
1. John Cena
2. William Shakespeare
3. Shirley Temple
(John Cena, in case you are clueless (as we were) is a wrestler. Da fuq?)
You are feeling a bit conservative today — if not politically, than temperamentally. (We’re feeling transcendental…are We here? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Shirley MacLaine.))
You want to hang on to the status quo as much as you can and see if you can get others to do the same. (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)
This could be tricky — the whole day, that is. (Oh, sure.,..like We’re gonna turn tricks. We can’t even GIVE it away.)
The good news is you’re entirely familiar with the concept of doing battle, so if someone tries to put one over on you, no matter who they happen to be, you absolutely won’t stand for it. (And the bad news? WHAT’S THE BAD NEWS???)
That goes double for anyone who thinks higher of their own authority than they really should. (A double? Don’t mind if We do.)
It might be time to take them down a peg or two. (Nobody is named “Peg” any more. (Much like nobody is named “Hedgerow”.))
It’s time for a just-you day. (It is ALWAYS “Just Us” day.)
Take some extra time to get ready this morning — and spend the evening taking care of yourself. (That is a really long sentence to explain masturbation.)
You might like it so much that you want a repeat every month! (Ya know what We wanna repeat every month? Neil Patrick Harris’s opening.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.