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Thursday, April 17, 2014

1000th E-Pissode!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for April 17rd , 2014.

Happy birthday to HimSelf, who was up for a little while, but stormed back to bed in a fit of pique when He realized that SitOnMyFaceBook was hiding people’s birthday wishes from him.

Happy Birthday to Our Birthday Twin Katy, who turns twenty-four today.  She would be doing so right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, but her boyfriend has taken her to New York for the day.  Because SHE has, ya know, a BOYFRIEND.

Happy Birthday also to Our other Birthday Twin, Alejandro, who also turns twenty-four today. And whose name is so lovely and fun to say that We may just have to say it over and over again. Alejandro, Alejandro, Alejandro.

(Oh, look…there he is!)

Of course, the Big Deal around here today has nothing to do with birthdays…it is Our ONE THOUSANDTH E-PISSODE in Bloggonia!

( A faithful Gentle Reader asked Us yesterday how We timed it so that Our 1000th e-pissode would fall on the anniversary of Our nativity…We realized several months ago that it was going to be close, and after that, it was actually a matter of writing MORE e-pissodes than We ordinarily would have to get Us there.)

We are going to depart from Our usual format for the festivities (so if you’re new here, you might want to check out an older e-pisstle or two to get a sense of what We’re all about, Alfalfa), but, to make Faithful Readers feel at home, We DO just have a nit or two to pick before We begin:

Our credit card informed Us today that, beginning May 1, We would have automatic travel insurance such that, if a trip should be cancelled, We would not have to pay hotel, etc. cancellation fees.  Thanks, credit card…where the hell were ya when We needed ya during Our end-of-February/early March debacle?

If you are on an online dating site, and the sum total of your pictures consists of not one, not two, but FIVE pictures of you with YOUR MOTHER, We are NOT GOING TO DATE YOU, Norman Bates.

Okay, enough of that there…

On to some thank-yous on this auspicious occasion…

We would like to thank Patrick, who caused Starzina to exist in the first place, and OurMizGerre, who gave her her name (the “Starzina” part, not the “Starfish-Browne” part).

We would like to thank Kevin, who suggested that We enter Bloggonia in the first place, lo those one thousand e-pissodes ago.

We would like to thank Joe, who created Our video universe, and directed Our live (nude girls) show.  And also Danny, Doh, and Mike, who made guest appearances in said videos. (Which, because We are shameless, see here):

We would like to thank everyone who came out to see the aforementioned live show, in the Fringe, or at L’Etage, or beyond.  If you have ideas regarding future appearances, lettuce know.

But most of all, We would like to thank all of Our readers, from Our most faithful daily Gentle Readers to Our nakedest naked skimmers, from Lex in China and Shaun in the Yuk, to TCBITWWW and the entire population of WeHo, to the Always Naked In Our Dreams Allen in Minnessississichigontana, and everyone in between.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It would appear that We also share a birthday with some celebrity called Luke Mitchell, of whom We had not previously heard.  At least now We know who We’ll be licking frosting off of later.

Also, because it cannot be said too often, Johnny Depp.

We are presenting Kelli’s blatherings here sans comment, in the hopes that YouPeople will chime in with your responses to any part or all:

Your emotions are running the gamut from manically happy to down in the dumps and back again — it can get exhausting! Try not to worry too much about where the roulette wheel ends up, though.  Relationships go through transitions, and it’s not healthy to resist them. You need to stay open to change and understand that just as you grow as a person, they do too. You want the best for your friends and loved ones, so you need to support their experiments and cheer when they need it. If someone’s new endeavor is taking up their free time, so be it. You can’t expect them to keep their life exactly the way you’d like it to be, can you? Give them freedom and they’ll give it back.  What may sound in your head like a snarky comeback or a witty joke could be interpreted quite differently after it leaves your mouth or your outbox. Go easy — especially if this person doesn’t get your style yet.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.