Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for April 17rd , 2014.
Happy birthday to HimSelf, who was up for a
little while, but stormed back to bed in a fit of pique when He realized that
SitOnMyFaceBook was hiding people’s birthday wishes from him.
Happy Birthday to Our Birthday Twin Katy, who
turns twenty-four today. She would be doing so right here in The City
Of Brotherly Love Handles, but her boyfriend has taken her to New York for the
day. Because SHE has, ya know, a
BOYFRIEND.
Happy Birthday also to Our other Birthday Twin,
Alejandro, who also turns twenty-four today. And whose name is so lovely and
fun to say that We may just have to say it over and over again. Alejandro,
Alejandro, Alejandro.
(Oh, look…there he is!)
Of course, the Big Deal around here today has
nothing to do with birthdays…it is Our ONE THOUSANDTH E-PISSODE in
Bloggonia!
( A faithful Gentle Reader asked Us yesterday
how We timed it so that Our 1000th e-pissode would fall on the
anniversary of Our nativity…We realized several months ago that it was going to
be close, and after that, it was actually a matter of writing MORE e-pissodes
than We ordinarily would have to get Us there.)
We are going to depart from Our usual format
for the festivities (so if you’re new here, you might want to check out an
older e-pisstle or two to get a sense of what We’re all about, Alfalfa), but,
to make Faithful Readers feel at home, We DO just have a nit or two to pick
before We begin:
Our credit card informed Us today that,
beginning May 1, We would have automatic travel insurance such that, if a trip
should be cancelled, We would not have to pay hotel, etc. cancellation fees. Thanks, credit card…where the hell were ya
when We needed ya during Our end-of-February/early March debacle?
If you are on an online dating site, and the
sum total of your pictures consists of not one, not two, but FIVE pictures of
you with YOUR MOTHER, We are NOT GOING TO DATE YOU, Norman Bates.
Okay, enough of that there…
On to some thank-yous on this auspicious
occasion…
We would like to thank Patrick, who caused
Starzina to exist in the first place, and OurMizGerre, who gave her her name
(the “Starzina” part, not the “Starfish-Browne” part).
We would like to thank Joe, who created Our
video universe, and directed Our live (nude girls) show. And also Danny, Doh, and Mike, who made guest
appearances in said videos. (Which, because We are shameless, see here):
We would like to thank everyone who came out
to see the aforementioned live show, in the Fringe, or at L’Etage, or beyond. If you have ideas regarding future
appearances, lettuce know.
But most of all, We would like to thank all
of Our readers, from Our most faithful daily Gentle Readers to Our nakedest
naked skimmers, from Lex in China and Shaun in the Yuk, to TCBITWWW and the entire
population of WeHo, to the Always Naked In Our Dreams Allen in
Minnessississichigontana, and everyone in between.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
It would appear that We also share a birthday
with some celebrity called Luke Mitchell, of whom We had not previously
heard. At least now We know who We’ll be
licking frosting off of later.
Also, because it cannot be said too often,
Johnny Depp.
We are presenting Kelli’s blatherings here
sans comment, in the hopes that YouPeople will chime in with your responses to
any part or all:
Your emotions are running the gamut from
manically happy to down in the dumps and back again — it can get exhausting!
Try not to worry too much about where the roulette wheel ends up, though. Relationships go through transitions, and
it’s not healthy to resist them. You need to stay open to change and understand
that just as you grow as a person, they do too. You want the best for your
friends and loved ones, so you need to support their experiments and cheer when
they need it. If someone’s new endeavor is taking up their free time, so be it.
You can’t expect them to keep their life exactly the way you’d like it to be,
can you? Give them freedom and they’ll give it back. What may sound in your head like a snarky
comeback or a witty joke could be interpreted quite differently after it leaves
your mouth or your outbox. Go easy — especially if this person doesn’t get your
style yet.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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