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Monday, April 14, 2014

Look, I’ll call you in the morning or my service will explain

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManOverboardMonday, April 14rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Adam, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in O Hai, Ohio.  Where, apparently, they grow some excellent specimens of the male of the species.  We really must round up Our wagon train and trundle a trek out yonder, with Our bus-and-truck tour of Little Whore On The Prairie.

“Little”, naturally, being a relative term.

Happy belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Dana, and Jared, and Shoshonna, and Teresa, and Thomas, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere on this glorious little globe of Ours.

Lest you accuse Us of roundabout clandestine namedropping, We shall just come right out (heh) and tell you that the Thomas in the preceding paragraph is none other than the author of the Declaration of Independence and the third President of these United States, Thomas Alva Jefferson, father of George and Weezie Jefferson, second cousin twice removed of Jefferson Davis, founder of the Jefferson Starship, and inventor of the electric light bulb, the electric chair, and the electric boogaloo.

We are fortunate enough to be able to hobnob with such exalted personages because We live in The Cradle Of American Civilization, nestled between the New World’s answer to the Tigris and Euphrates, Fluffya. (Also, said exalted personage is a seven-foot-tall red-headed Hottie McHott Hott With Hawtt Sauce, who happens to be Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend.)

Speaking of SitOnMyFaceBook, We will not be taking a quiz any time soon to determine the color of Our aura.  The color of Our aura generally depends on what We had for lunch.

Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, from hobnobbing with Founding Fathers to fart jokes…We do it all here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!

We ventured forth from The Cradle Of American Civilization yesterday to see Musical of Musicals: The Musical at the Montgomery Theater (We’re not exactly clear on where We were geographically, but We suspect We were somewhere near the O Hai, Ohio border. (If you imagine that such intrepid exploration was occasioned by one or more handsome young gentlemen, you would be entirely correct.))

At any rate, if you are one of Our far-flung Gentle Readers, you should definitely give your horsie a carrot and have him carry you on out to this show, wherever it may be, as it is a great deal of laugh-out-loud fun.  Info is here (apparently, they have InterNetz in The Hinterlands now…who knew?):

In other news, please Save The Date for Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

In still other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities!

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

A note to Our “Celebrity” Birthday Website:  if you cannot find a picture of the person in question anywhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, perhaps they are not quite the “celebrity” you imagine them to be.  Just sayin’.

Think about what that person in front of you really wants before taking action — they are almost certainly not revealing the whole truth. (Is anyone else disappointed when liars’ pants don’t actually catch fire?)

It’s not too hard to figure it out, though!  (There’s no such thing as “too hard”.  Much like “too rich”, “too thin”, or “looking too much like Zac Efron”.)

You’re going to have an enthusiastic fan today, (Just the one?)

and he or she will be singing your praises to anyone who will listen (So it’ll be like a musical then?)

— try not to blush too much!  (What is this, some Victorian operetta?  Do We need Our smelling salts?)

This wave of adulation might make you feel embarrassed at first, but as the day wears on and you take bow after bow, you’ll start to enjoy the sensation of being recognized for your work — and it will feel good. (Okay, all We took from that random string of words was the fact that “Wave of Adulation” would be a great band name.)

 This is a boost to your ego, (Leggo Our Eggo™.)

which means it’s a good time to initiate new projects. (Remind Us exactly when We started running a fraternity?  (Not that it doesn’t sound like a BRILLiant idea, you understand.))

You’re unstoppable.  (Does that sentence make anyone else think of diarrhea?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

No one is hotter than you, (With the exception of George and Weezie Jefferson, pretty much everyone We have mentioned herein so far is.)

with your heart pounding, all worked up over some new interest or passion. (Sigh.)

Get your body moving and meet some new people — is it yoga? (You’re making the predictions, Bee-Yotch.)

 Stamp collecting?  (Seriously?)

Midnight bowling? (Okay, “Midnight Bowling” is totally a euphemism, riiiiight?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.