Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManEatingManateeMonday, April 7rd
, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Colleen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere on the outskirts of The City That Loves You (On Your ) Back.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to
OurAmericanCousin Adam, Bill, Chris, OurMizDonna, MarciaMarciaMarcia, Michael,
and Randy, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.
Speaking of this past weekend, Our new murder
mystery opened during same, and did better than it had any business doing. Naturally, We were unable to give away the
two free tickets they gave Us (which was galling, mainly because they never
GIVE Us anything), so you’ll just have to take Our word for it.
Speaking
of things We want but can’t have, We wanted one specific thing on Friday
(amidst a lot of general things, like not going up on Our lines, or dropping an
entire tray of drinks down the stairs), which, naturally, being Us, We didn’t
get.
Now,
Faithful Gentle Readers of these e-pisstles will be aware that one of the life-lessons
We have long been in the process of learning is to ask for the things We need/want. And We have not been doing too badly in that
regard, if We do say so Our Own Self.
However,
there are certain things whose very value lies in their un-asked-for-ness. For example, if We are staying at that hotel
where they put a warm chocolate chip cookie on your pillow at check-in, We are going to enjoy that cookie. If We are
staying at a hotel without such a cookie policy, and We call room service to
bring Us a chocolate chip cookie, We are going to enjoy that cookie as well. However, even if they are the exact same
cookie, We like the first cookie better.
The
thing We wanted on Friday was not a chocolate chip cookie. (Although all this talk has made Us hungry for
one now. (Preferably with nuts in it. Because what isn’t better with nuts?))
Although, unlike the chocolate chip cookies in the preceding paragraph,
it wouldn’t have cost anything.
The
moral of the story is, give somebody a goddamn cookie today, a-ight?
We
have been at this for quite some time today…no idea why. We were going to continue Our “things We want
but can’t have” theme with a guess-what-We-want-for-Our-birthday contest, but
that will probably have to wait, for the most part, till tomorrow. (See…right away We give you something to
which to look forward!)
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking
for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the
harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the
link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist of fate, most
of the celebrities who were born today are people no one has ever heard of.
And here, in lieu of a time-consuming
call-and-response to the Ass Hatted Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.
Madame Olivia once heard an astonishing
9-year-old say "I'm not perfect, but parts of me are excellent!" Muse
on what this might mean for you and try this on yourself when you need
encouragement or perspective. Madame Olivia finds herself invoking it quite
often.
Little Aries, sometimes control is wrested
from us, no matter how powerful we are, or how determined. The current lineup
in the heavens is angled so heavily towards movement that change is going to
happen whether we want it or not. You, fortunately, will be able to ride the
currents toward positivity. The more you stay attuned to other people, the
easier this will be. Keep your ears open and your whiskers poised to receive
vibrations.
Watch for the colors red and orange
It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame
Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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