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Friday, January 31, 2014

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January 31rd, 2014.

You know, if you are on FaceBook, and something compels you to tell everyone else on FaceBook that you “Like” FaceBook, you might need to consider spending less time on FaceBook.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of FaceBook (which is, of course, short for “SitOnMyFacebook”), We have learned of the second death in less than a week through same this morning.  Earlier in the week, someone started updating the FB status of a woman We had recently learned was terminally ill as though she were (subjunctively) updating it herself.  From Heaven.  This is how We learned that she had died.  If you need to have it explained to you that you should not do this please see preceding paragraph.


Changing gears, on to Our upcoming appearance in Greater Bostonia.  We spent some time the other morning engaged in telephonic communication with another of Our Greater Bostonian contacts, and We are thisclose to a Salem appearance date (Salem being Our favorite part of Greater Bostonia, it being, of course, where the witches come from and, consequently, the place where We feel most at home).  At the risk of redundantly and reiteratively repetitively repeating Ourself, We are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Meanwhile, Our favorite hottie from Oh Hai, Ohio, AstroGeek, has a new post up:  .  And how can you not love something with a section entitled “The Sun, The Moon, and Uranus”?  (We feel, however, that We really must get better in synch with this dear boy’s updates.  We feel as though We only see every third one, and that We are never alerted at a time conducive to Our in turn alerting Our Gentle Readers.  Perhaps after Our Bostonian excursion, We should trek to Oh Hai, Ohio, for a powwow.  (“Powwow” is, of course, an old Indian word for “hot steamy monkey love”.))

And now, the HorrorScope…

It is Justin Timberlake’s birthday.  Also, Carol Channing’s.  What one thing has to do with the other, We haven’t got any idea.

You’re not sure exactly what you want, (Say what?  Have you MET Us?  We know ex-damn-actly what We want.)

but you can tell that it’s coming. (Coming.  Ex-damn-actly!)

Of course, you have to work hard to make it real, (And you have to work even harder to make it imaginary.)

but that’s never stopped you before. (Unlike, apparently, everything else.)

Move forward at least a little today.  (Don’t tell Us what to do!  You are not the boss of Us!!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!)

A wave of altruism will soon wash over you  (Of course, when We first glanced at that, We read it as “a wave of autism”, and immediately said, “Four o’clock…time for Wapner.”)

— you’re a sucker  (Oh, you HAVE met Us.)

for good causes and underdogs. (Sweet Polly Purebred, on the other hand, is shit-outta-luck.)

If you’re asked to make a donation, (Sperm?)

buy something whose proceeds will benefit a nonprofit or contribute your time to a charity, you’ll be only too happy to do it. (Blah-blah-blah…let’s get back to the “sperm” part.)

Just be sure the person who sees your soft heart — and checkbook — doesn’t take advantage of you.  (Unless he’s, say, Johnny Depp.  Or Ryan Phillippe.  Or Chord Overstreet.  Or a member of One Direction.  Or…well, let’s just say, the possessor of a penis and a pulse.)

(Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a pulse…)

(Hey, you eat YOUR CrackerJacks™, We’ll eat OURS.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, (Or smoking in the boys’ room?)

you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie.  (Cafeteria workers are HAWTT.  You should see his hairnet.)

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We have no idea why.)

Stay out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way.  (Kelli?  Is a poet, but she is unaware of it.)

(Also, she is an AssHatt.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.