Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!
Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiPediMonday,
January Twenny-Sebbenst, Twenny-FourTeen.
Apparently, it is thirty-nine degrees here
this morning, so the snow that We never shoveled yesterday is melting of its
own Honda Accord. Take THAT, ya
muthafuckin snow!
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Lou, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Belated Birthday to Earl, who turned twenty-four
this past weekend, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back. Happy Belated Birthday also to Melissa, who
also turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere in Virginia. Which, while it is not West Virginia, could
presumably still be North, East, or South Virginia. Geography does these things on purpose, just
to fuck with Us.
Geography is hard.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated
Birthday to Petr, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all the way out in
WeHo, El Lay. And no, “Petr” is not a
typo. We have very strict quality
assurance here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
Although perhaps, as it was A Very Special Birthday, someone bought him
a vowel.
.
We love the WorldWideInterWebNetz! As We have been e-pisstlizing here, We have
also been collaborationating on the production of an ad regarding Our upcoming
appearance in Greater Bostonia. At the
risk of redundantly and reiteratively repetitively repeating Ourself, We are
hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for Friday, February 28st. (That date will not be Our only
Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.)
We are VERY excited….stay tuned!
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the
only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
Today, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us, is the
birthday of Alan Cumming. Joanna Going
could not be reached for comment.
Before We collected Our Own Personal horrorscope, We
noticed that Kelli’s Aquarius horrorscope begins, “You are the Welcome Wagon
today.” What the hell does that say to
you? Because, to Us, it says “prostitution”.
Your thinking can’t be constrained by the group (It can, however, be strained like the soup.)
(We have no idea whatsoever what the hell that meant. It’s Monday; just go with us.)
— so let yourself roam free! (Well, you know what They say: when in Rome, roam like the Romans do.)
(It is entirely possible that We’ve had a stroke. We have
no idea how anyone would ever be able to tell,
but it is entirely possible.)
Your terrific mental energy should help you come up with at
least four great new ideas to get started on right away. (HEY!
We’ve had a stroke…let’s have one idea at a time, please!)
You’ll have to do a bit of selling today (PROSTITUTION!!!)
(Apparently, this fucking stroke has reactivated Our
Tourette’s syndrome.)
— either for yourself
or for a project you want other people to pitch in on. (We only want people
pitching if they are people with perfect pitch.)
(Because if Peter Pecker peeped a peck of speckled peckers…)
(A stroke, Tourette’s syndrome, and We’ve still got it,
people!)
If all you do is focus on what you want out of them, folks
may find you a bit insensitive. (Especially if you are squeezing them really
hard to get it.)
(Speaking of which, We heard THIS on the
WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning:
How do you clean a tuba?
With a tuba toothpaste.)
(Apparently, the WorldWideInterWebNetz have also had a
stroke.)
But if you focus on what’s in it for them, you can get
their attention (Sorry…did you say something?)
and get them on board! (All aboard the SS Poseidon! Right this way, ladies and genitals! Shuffleboard on the main deck….at least until
midnight.)
Put yourself in their position (How vulgar!)
and think how they would think. (Do these genes make my ass
look fat?)
(Heh. See what We
did there?)
Keep communication simple and straightforward, (Shouldn’t
there be an analogous “gayforward” term?
Possibly with a bottomless mimosa brunch? (That last bit just came to Us this very
second. (Hi, Donny!)))
and there’s a higher chance you will communicate yourself
in a positive way. (And We are NOTHING
if not positive. Positive that won’t
happen, that is.)
Think things over some more. (Seriously? Once things are over, you really don’t have
to think about it much.)
How are you really feeling?
(There once was a lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.)
(Sure, We’ve had a stroke which has reactivated Our
Tourette’s syndrome, but We can still properly conjugate the verb “to lie”.
(Yes, Petr, We know that’s what you
were thinking.))
What do you really want? (Yo, We’ll tell you what We want,
what We really really want. (Kiss Us
quick, We’re a Spice Girl. (Well, okay,
We’re Old Spice. (Like, say, cardamom.
Or turmeric.))))
By later tonight, expect some action-oriented energy to
come your way. (And what exactly would “action-oriented
energy” be a euphemism for?)
What do you want to do with it? (Piss all over its
ceiling?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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