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Monday, January 27, 2014

If you wanna be my lover

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManiPediMonday, January Twenny-Sebbenst, Twenny-FourTeen.

Apparently, it is thirty-nine degrees here this morning, so the snow that We never shoveled yesterday is melting of its own Honda Accord.  Take THAT, ya muthafuckin snow!

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Lou, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Belated Birthday to Earl, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.    Happy Belated Birthday also to Melissa, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere in Virginia.  Which, while it is not West Virginia, could presumably still be North, East, or South Virginia.  Geography does these things on purpose, just to fuck with Us.

Geography is hard.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Petr, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.  And no, “Petr” is not a typo.  We have very strict quality assurance here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Although perhaps, as it was A Very Special Birthday, someone bought him a vowel.

We love the WorldWideInterWebNetz!  As We have been e-pisstlizing here, We have also been collaborationating on the production of an ad regarding Our upcoming appearance in Greater Bostonia.  At the risk of redundantly and reiteratively repetitively repeating Ourself, We are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

And now, the HorrorScope…

Today, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us, is the birthday of Alan Cumming.  Joanna Going could not be reached for comment.

Before We collected Our Own Personal horrorscope, We noticed that Kelli’s Aquarius horrorscope begins, “You are the Welcome Wagon today.”  What the hell does that say to you?  Because, to Us, it says “prostitution”. 

Your thinking can’t be constrained by the group  (It can, however, be strained like the soup.)

(We have no idea whatsoever what the hell that meant.  It’s Monday; just go with us.)

— so let yourself roam free!  (Well, you know what They say:  when in Rome, roam like the Romans do.)

(It is entirely possible that We’ve had a stroke. We have no idea how anyone would ever be able to tell, but it is entirely possible.)

Your terrific mental energy should help you come up with at least four great new ideas to get started on right away.  (HEY!  We’ve had a stroke…let’s have one idea at a time, please!)

You’ll have to do a bit of selling today (PROSTITUTION!!!)

(Apparently, this fucking stroke has reactivated Our Tourette’s syndrome.)

 — either for yourself or for a project you want other people to pitch in on. (We only want people pitching if they are people with perfect pitch.) 

(Because if Peter Pecker peeped a peck of speckled peckers…)

(A stroke, Tourette’s syndrome, and We’ve still got it, people!)

If all you do is focus on what you want out of them, folks may find you a bit insensitive. (Especially if you are squeezing them really hard to get it.)

(Speaking of which, We heard THIS on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning:

How do you clean a tuba?

With a tuba toothpaste.)

(Apparently, the WorldWideInterWebNetz have also had a stroke.)

But if you focus on what’s in it for them, you can get their attention (Sorry…did you say something?)

and get them on board!  (All aboard the SS Poseidon!  Right this way, ladies and genitals!  Shuffleboard on the main deck….at least until midnight.)

Put yourself in their position (How vulgar!)

and think how they would think. (Do these genes make my ass look fat?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Keep communication simple and straightforward, (Shouldn’t there be an analogous “gayforward” term?  Possibly with a bottomless mimosa brunch?  (That last bit just came to Us this very second.  (Hi, Donny!)))

and there’s a higher chance you will communicate yourself in a positive way.  (And We are NOTHING if not positive.  Positive that won’t happen, that is.)

Think things over some more. (Seriously?  Once things are over, you really don’t have to think about it much.)

How are you really feeling?
(There once was a lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.)

(Sure, We’ve had a stroke which has reactivated Our Tourette’s syndrome, but We can still properly conjugate the verb “to lie”. (Yes, Petr, We know that’s what you were thinking.))

What do you really want? (Yo, We’ll tell you what We want, what We really really want.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re a Spice Girl.  (Well, okay, We’re Old Spice. (Like, say, cardamom.  Or turmeric.))))

By later tonight, expect some action-oriented energy to come your way.  (And what exactly would “action-oriented energy” be a euphemism for?)

What do you want to do with it? (Piss all over its ceiling?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.