Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonDay, January 6st,
2013.
Happy Birthday to Drusilla, who turns
twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.
Also, Happy Feast of the Epiphany, the
Sucretia, the Mitochondria, and the rest of the MyBus riders from Back In The
Day. This year, We will be celebrating
(well, okay, not celebrating, exactly)
the tenf anniversary of Our first ride on the MyBus. Ten years…CuteShortsBoy has presumably grown
into CuteShortsMan.
As We are weak with disease, today’s
e-pissode will have precious little original content. To make up for that, here is an acid
flashback to Our original e-xplanation of the MyBus, all the way from 2004:
(The EAC: The Evil Acquiring Company purchased Eric’s previous company in Spring, 2004, ending, amongst other things, Eric’s pleasant little ten minute walk to work, and forcing him to ride…
The My Bus: Although Eric is the undisputed Queen of Self-Delusion (and De Nile), even HE is hard pressed to convince himself that the My Bus is actually a private limousine with really uncomfortable seats. Especially when they let Other People get onto it. He will, however, persist in calling it the My Bus, because he once heard that possession is nine tenfs of de law. (See what I mean about that “third person“ thing?)
The Other People: Amongst the notable Other People on the My Bus are:
Sucretia: Absent for quite some time from the My Bus ride, Sucretia is fondly recalled for her frequent stories (told REALLY LOUDLY at 6:45AM) of the various trials and tribulations of raising her multiple babies, dealing with her multiple BabyDaddies, and getting off the pipe. Eric suspects that she is currently in jail, and is not entirely convinced that he didn’t recognize her on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT as Martha Stewart’s cellmate. Sucretia leaves behind any number of not-quite-as-“colorful” sistahs, aunts, nieces, and cousins, including Epiphany, Chl@mydia, Saliva, Mitochondria, and G0norrhea.
Cute Shorts Boy in the Pumpkin Pie Coat (formerly Cute Shorts Boy): So named because he was a cute boy and, prior to the arrival of nuclear winter, he wore shorts. The shorts themselves may or may not have been cute; that wasn’t the point. Disappeared from the My Bus under mysterious circumstances recently, shortly after the appearance of the Pumpkin Pie (Colored) Coat. Eric suspects that his disappearance was caused by someone leaking Eric’s Daily Horoscope to him.
Other passengers whose names are self-explanatory:
Kevin Bacon’s Younger Brother Cute Doctor Boy
Sixties Radical Angela Davis
Cute Tall Boy Whose Main Attributes Are Being Cute And Tall And Who I Haven’t Thought Up A Better Nickname For Yet
The My Bus ride also occasionally has Special Guest Stars. Why, in recent weeks alone we’ve had Della Reese (wearing boaf of her wigs) and The Late Ray Charles.
Meanwhile, it occurs to me that, as much as I talk about the My Bus ride, I’ve never said anything about My Driver(s), so here they are:
Smiling BlackMan Who Is Happy In His Work: This driver (let’s call him Tyrone) has a pleasant smile and says “Good morning.” He frequently chats with passengers, especially those of the female persuasion. When he is driving, the My Bus comes on time, as he apparently learned the difference between White People’s Time and C0l0red People’s Time. If you had a Miss Daisy, you would let him drive her.
Cranky BlackMan Whose Unemployment Ran Out: There are actually several of these drivers (let’s call them Rastus), but they are completely interchangeable. They never smile or say “Good morning” and generally look like they would rather run over you with the bus than let you on it. When they are driving, the My Bus runs on a schedule that can best be called sporadic, depending upon how far it is to the nearest sto’ where one can purchase bottles of malt liquor in paper bags. If you had a Miss Daisy, you would let her drive herself and pray for the best.
Nasty BlackWoman Wif No Teef Who Don’t Eben Gots A Driver’s License But Da BabyDaddy In Jail And Da Baby Need Milk: As if her name weren’t self-explanatory, this driver (who mercifully only rarely appears…let’s call her Sucretia’s cousin Pneumonia) neither smiles nor says “Good Morning”, and does not even appear to know the My Bus’s schedule or route, but da baby need milk. If you had a Miss Daisy, she would haul this b1tch off to Rastus’s shack and give him a stern talking to until he agreed to make an honest woman of her.)
Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We continue to be
sick like Downward Dog and delirious with the fever for the flavor of a
Pringles™. This came upon Us (and when
does THAT happen?) after Friday’s e-pisstle and was in full swing by Friday night. It has forced Us to call in sick to work, and
to cancel dinner plans for today to which We have been looking forward for
practically damn ever. Also, it has put
Us behind on All Of Those Things We Were Going To Accomplish After The
Holidays.
We can tell that this is the flu, and not
just a common cold because, in addition to all of the oh-so-attractive physical
symptoms, it is accompanied by that state of depression and feeling of general
worthlessness that only comes with a good flu. We would expound upon that, but the sound of
typing is getting on Our nerves.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers
who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may
share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must
say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by
the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally,
The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:
Having thus shamelessly
plugged Ourself (because if We don’t
plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.
In other other news, We have been seriously
remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)
friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External
factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google
Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…) Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all
the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The
AssHatt. GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013
In other news, mark your calendars for
Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown
Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices
Festival!
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo)).
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
And now, the HorrorScope…
Oh, We can’t even.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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