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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Ooooh-hoooo, witchy woman

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday’s Eve (“For that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling…”), January 30, 2014.  Happy Birthday to Abbie, who turns twenty-four today in Atlanta.  Where they are no doubt wishing things were burning right about now.

Great balls o’ fire…[HIC!]…it’s Rhett!

We love saying that.  Every so often, One just has to channel One’s inner Vivien Leigh.

Changing gears, on to Our upcoming appearance in Greater Bostonia.  We spent some time yesterday morning engaged in telephonic communication with another of Our Greater Bostonian contacts, and We are thisclose to a Salem appearance date (Salem being Our favorite part of Greater Bostonia, it being, of course, where the witches come from and, consequently, the place where We feel most at home).  At the risk of redundantly and reiteratively repetitively repeating Ourself, We are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Meanwhile, Our favorite hottie from Oh Hai, Ohio, AstroGeek, has a new post up:  .  And how can you not love something with a section entitled “The Sun, The Moon, and Uranus”?  (We feel, however, that We really must get better in synch with this dear boy’s updates.  We feel as though We only see every third one, and that We are never alerted at a time conducive to Our in turn alerting Our Gentle Readers.  Perhaps after Our Bostonian excursion, We should trek to Oh Hai, Ohio, for a powwow.  (“Powwow” is, of course, an old Indian word for “hot steamy monkey love”.))

And now, the HorrorScope…

Dear Celebrity Birthday Website, If you are going to tell Us that it is the birthday of a “Web Video Star”, but you cannot find a picture of said Web Video Star, We are going to begin to doubt your powers.  Especially when We know that the gentleman in question is, in fact, a Web Video Star.  Happy Birthday to TheAmazingPhil.

And now, instead of Kelli’s usual blatherings and Our Own Personal brilliant bon mot ripostes, a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings, Starzina~

Welcome back. Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.

The first thing that Madame Olivia can see is some stress around relationships. She has a wonderful idea for you. All you have to do when you meet someone new is act as if you already know and like each other! One practical tip is to cultivate a warm, friendly smile. This will help you both get over that initial nervousness and right down to mutual discovery. You will find that this works for all relationships, by the way, not just romantic ones.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia wants you to know that she has long admired the energetic way you rush into things. In the coming days, however, you may tend to be just a bit too heedless. The remedy is to be aware of the people around you to make sure they don't feel bulldozed or slighted instead of helped. Your best instincts can sometimes be misinterpreted, to your utter puzzlement. For now, mindfulness is the key.

Be on the watch for a particular feline

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.