Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, January Sixteenst, TwennyFourTeen.
It is always peculiar to Us to be e-pisstling an e-pissode when it is not the birthday of anyone We know. So if you are perchance reading this, and We don’t know you, and it is your birthday (what are the odds?), Happy Twenty-Fourth!
In other news, We had one of Those Dreams last night. As We are advanced in years, We don’t very often have one of Those Dreams. And We even less frequently have one of Those Dreams featuring a celebrity. So could someone please explain to Us why the celebrity in question needed to be Michael J. Fox? Sure, he comes (heh) with his own personal built-in Magic Fingers™, and it’s not exactly like he’s, say, Richard Simmons, or Cedric the Entertainer, but he’s also not exactly Johnny Depp, neither.
Michael and We did have a lovely time, though.
In other other news, writer Del Shores of Sordid Lives and Cheatin’ (amongst other things) fame asked on SitOnMyFaceBook for examples of funny words, presumably to be used in the scripts for his upcoming Sordid fillum sequels. Unfortunately, he had already used “douchenozzle” (which he mistakenly imagined (as, apparently, does Micro$oft Weird™) to be two words) as an example. We suggested “buttmunch”, “periwinkle”, and “folderol”. We await with bated breath his inclusion of those three words in an immortal Texas-sized sentence, whereupon We shall volunteer to make a cameo fillum appearance to utter same.
In other other other news, We need you all right now quick fast and in a hurry to get your tickets for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown this Friday night at 8, before they are all sold out. We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there.
Tickets are available at http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).
We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:
And now, the HorrorScope…
Your ability to get stuff done is propelling you forward today, and your people just have to try to catch up. (Okay, every so often, Kelli The AssHatt gets on this kick where she imagines that We have “People”. Yes, Kelli, if We (subjunctively) had People, We would no doubt have an ability to get “stuff” done. Also, presumably, an ability to get stuffed. Because if We (subjunctively) had People, We would make sure that some of them were stuffing people. And not the Stove-Top™ kind neither. Because who the hell wants to get stuffed on top of the stove?)
(What? Kiss Us quick, We’re William Faulkner: stream-of-consciousness.)
Things are sure to move even more quickly by this time tomorrow, so rest up! (So, wait…are We resting, or are We getting stuff done? We’re so confused.)
Suddenly in the mood to stay at home? (Yeah. Just Us and Michael J. Fox.)
Well, don’t offer up any apologies, (Fine. We were going to offer to make amends for the two days of “buttcrack” jokes, but the hell with it. Douchenozzle.)
(One word, Micro$oft Weird™, it is ONE WORD.)
even if you’d previously made a promise to head out with someone who’s been trying to pin you down to an actual date for weeks. (“Pin Us down”? Are We wrestling with Michael J. Fox now?)
(How many of you are actually picturing that right now? Perverts.)
Putter around the kitchen, make your place your own again — even if that just means rearranging the living room furniture (Have you seen Our living room? Where the hell else is the furniture supposed to go?)
— and get to know the dog again. (Obviously, “get to know the dog again” is a euphemism for something. And We really don’t care to know for what.)
You might even feel so domestic that you call that family member who’s been pouting lately. (You’d better not pout. Bitch. And no, We AIN’T tellin’ you why.)
If you’ve ever wanted to take a cooking class, now is your best shot. (Where the fuck did THAT come from???)
It doesn’t matter if you’re making Italian sauces, (It’s “gravy”. AssHatt.)
hippie baked goods (The hell?)
or old-fashioned bread — the romantic energy is really sizzling! (We can bring home Kevin Bacon…fry him up in a pan…and never ever ever let him forget that he’s not Michael J. Fucking Fox…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.