Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, January Turd, Twenny-Four-Teen,
WhoreTeen Hears A Who. Holidailies having ended, We were planning to dial back
on the frequency of these e-pisstles, with an eye toward accomplishing a myriad
of other pressing projects. This
morning, however, We are procrastinating putting on Our mink-lined Tuesday
panties to go out and wield a snow shovel.
Just one of the many drawbacks of being Between Husbands.
(We are turning over so many new leaves this
New Year, it’s like Helen Keller fell down in a
forest. For example, “Between
Husbands” is Our new upbeat, glass-half-full way of saying that We have been
single since God created Adam and Steve, and that We haven’t been laid since
Our boys were in Vietnam and Dick was in Pat Nixon. Catchy, no?)
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Michael, who
turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Robbie,
who turned twenty-four yesterday , also right here in The City Of Brotherly
Love Handles.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated
Birthday to Joe, who also turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here. Joe is, of course, The Man Behind The Camera
(as opposed to The Idiot In Front Of It) of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope
videos, and how fitting that this month’s video should feature the cameraman character. (We should disclaim at this juncture that Joe
has, to the best of Our knowledge, never butt-chugged a rum ball, and has
certainly never expelled one in Our general direction from any orifice
whatsoever).
That video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers
who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may
share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must
say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by
the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally,
The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:
Having thus shamelessly
plugged Ourself (because if We don’t
plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.
For those of you who enjoy a
glimpse into The Way (What Passes For) Our Mind (Allegedly) Functions, We were
reading, recently, this story on the WorldWideInterWebNetz about how teenaged
dolphins with too much time on their hands eat pufferfish, which contain some
sort of naturally occurring hallucinogen, to get high. This, naturally, made Us think (and why it
didn’t seem to make anyone else think, We haven’t got any idea) of the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”, which is, of
course, about getting high in the absence of pufferfish. Which made Us go on to think (because once We
start, We just can’t stop…it’s like a Lays™ potato chip corollary), what if,
instead of being about smoking marijuana, “Puff
the Magic Dragon” were (subjunctively) about smoking crack?
It would be called “Puff the Manic Dragon”.
You’re welcome.
(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a
little blue squiggle under “Manic”, because it wants Us to change it back to “Magic”
so bad it can taste it. Suck it, Micro$oft
Weird™.)
In other other news, We have been seriously
remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)
friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External
factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google
Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…) Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all
the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The
AssHatt. GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013
In other news, mark your calendars for
Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown
Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices
Festival!
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo)).
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
And now, the HorrorScope…
In hindsight (and hindsight is always 20-20
(which is what year it will soon be if they keep zipping along at their current
rate (OMG, are We the first one to come up with this joke? You heard it here first, kidz…come 2020,
every yahoo and their fairy godmother will be calling it “January 1st,
Hindsight”))), this is a complete waste of a snow day. Everybody would have had the day off anyway,
because it is Zasu Pitts’s birthday.
And now, as We really must go cope with the snow,
a reading from Madame Olivia. (About
whom We are a little concerned…she may have been dipping into the
pufferfish. After all, when you start
calling your own ideas “adorable…)
Greetings
Eric ~
It's
nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.
Making
conversation with new people can be a huge challenge. The usual advice is to
ask people about themselves. The problem is that some people feel
self-conscious talking about themselves. So you might think of subjects outside
both of you: movies, books, food, new technologies, etc, to take the focus off
both of you. Before a gathering, Madame Olivia finds herself rehearsing a short
list of these things to talk about, which has often come in handy. She has
another adorable idea: write the list on the palm of your hand and use that as
a conversation starter! This could also be the first scene in that rom-com
you're writing.
And
now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire
to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some forces in the
world that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it
is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved
into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No
need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to
bigger movement!
Circles
and round things will be of import in the near future
Good-bye
for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment