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Friday, January 3, 2014

And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, January Turd, Twenny-Four-Teen, WhoreTeen Hears A Who. Holidailies having ended, We were planning to dial back on the frequency of these e-pisstles, with an eye toward accomplishing a myriad of other pressing projects.  This morning, however, We are procrastinating putting on Our mink-lined Tuesday panties to go out and wield a snow shovel.  Just one of the many drawbacks of being Between Husbands.

(We are turning over so many new leaves this New Year, it’s like Helen Keller fell down in a  forest.  For example, “Between Husbands” is Our new upbeat, glass-half-full way of saying that We have been single since God created Adam and Steve, and that We haven’t been laid since Our boys were in Vietnam and Dick was in Pat Nixon.  Catchy, no?)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Robbie, who turned twenty-four yesterday , also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Joe, who also turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here.  Joe is, of course, The Man Behind The Camera (as opposed to The Idiot In Front Of It) of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope videos, and how fitting that this month’s video should feature the cameraman character.  (We should disclaim at this juncture that Joe has, to the best of Our knowledge, never butt-chugged a rum ball, and has certainly never expelled one in Our general direction from any orifice whatsoever).

That video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

For those of you who enjoy a glimpse into The Way (What Passes For) Our Mind (Allegedly) Functions, We were reading, recently, this story on the WorldWideInterWebNetz about how teenaged dolphins with too much time on their hands eat pufferfish, which contain some sort of naturally occurring hallucinogen, to get high.  This, naturally, made Us think (and why it didn’t seem to make anyone else think, We haven’t got any idea) of the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”, which is, of course, about getting high in the absence of pufferfish.  Which made Us go on to think (because once We start, We just can’t stop…it’s like a Lays™ potato chip corollary), what if, instead of being about smoking marijuana, “Puff the Magic Dragon” were (subjunctively) about smoking crack?

It would be called “Puff the Manic Dragon”.

You’re welcome.

(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a little blue squiggle under “Manic”, because it wants Us to change it back to “Magic” so bad it can taste it.  Suck it, Micro$oft Weird™.)

In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO!

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event ( (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

In hindsight (and hindsight is always 20-20 (which is what year it will soon be if they keep zipping along at their current rate (OMG, are We the first one to come up with this joke?  You heard it here first, kidz…come 2020, every yahoo and their fairy godmother will be calling it “January 1st, Hindsight”))), this is a complete waste of a snow day.  Everybody would have had the day off anyway, because it is Zasu Pitts’s birthday.

And now, as We really must go cope with the snow, a reading from Madame Olivia.  (About whom We are a little concerned…she may have been dipping into the pufferfish.  After all, when you start calling your own ideas “adorable…)

Greetings Eric ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Making conversation with new people can be a huge challenge. The usual advice is to ask people about themselves. The problem is that some people feel self-conscious talking about themselves. So you might think of subjects outside both of you: movies, books, food, new technologies, etc, to take the focus off both of you. Before a gathering, Madame Olivia finds herself rehearsing a short list of these things to talk about, which has often come in handy. She has another adorable idea: write the list on the palm of your hand and use that as a conversation starter! This could also be the first scene in that rom-com you're writing.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some forces in the world that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to bigger movement!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.