Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, January Fifteenst, TwennyFourTeen. Happy Birthday to Augustine, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today all the way in El Lay on the way to Cape May. (Sorry.) Additionally, Happy Birthday also too to Donald, who probably does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere called Hopwood, Pennsylvania, of which We are fairly certain We had never heard until just this very minute. Rock those hinterlands, Donald.
Geography is hard.
Really? Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door? What the fuck did We ever do to The Universe? (And why do We never remember to tear off all of Our clothes when there’s a knock at the door and We’re not expecting anyone.)
Speaking of people at Our door, We were well and truly plumbed at the crack of ass this morning. When We called the plumber yesterday, We were told that they could not come till today, and would call Us in the morning. We cleverly interpreted “morning” to mean “any time after dawn”, and thus took Our phone to bed with Us. (Johnny Depp, oddly, did not complain.)
So at any rate, the sun was barely up when We had three, count then THREE, strapping plumbers in Our very lair. And even the least attractive of the three was an improvement over what you would imagine. The other two were downright HAWTT. Including a trainee who, in the course of conversation, revealed that he was born in 1994. We refrained from informing him that he is the same age as Justin Bieber.
So three hawtt plumbers…the sun barely up…if you’re expecting some smutty porno story, you are clearly new to these parts. We cannot even explain to you how it is that We never saw so much as a whisper of a buttcrack.
On the plus side, Our problem was fixed with little muss and fuss, and was not, in fact, the result of any acute behavior of Ours. So there’s that. On the minus side, We’re shy at least one buttcrack. So We’ll have to have Our actor friend over soon to play Itchy Plumber With The Really Big Wrench And Bored Clothing-Challenged Housewife.
What? That’s totally a thing.
In other other news, We need you all right now quick fast and in a hurry to get your tickets for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown this Friday night at 8, before they are all sold out. We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there.
Tickets are available at http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).
We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis (to say nothing of his buttcrack (no, really...say NOTHING.)):
And now, the HorrorScope…
Meanwhile, Our celebrity birthday website would have Us believe that Charo is only sixty-three, and yet she has been on television since it was radio.
It’s all on you (Innit always?)
— today’s big project requires your initiative to push things through. (Is it just Us, or does that sound dirty to you , too?)
You may find that it’s easier to just start on your own and let others peek over your shoulder. (Are they trying to look down Our blouse?)
You want to travel so badly that if you could, you’d be in a cab on your way to the airport right now, passport in hand. (Sing it, Sistah! (Although We are thisclose to traveling to/performing in Boston…stay tuned for details.))
If duty calls, however — especially if it calls loudly enough to keep you off that plane or out of that car — your sense of responsibility will kick in. (On the other hand, if Howdy Doody calls, take a message.)
In that case, the least you can do is to treat yourself to the company of someone new and exotic. (Because We know the difference between dyslexia and sex daily, We looked at that sentence cross-eyed at first, and read it as “treat yourself to the company of someone new and toxic”. Which makes precious little sense.)
You’re likely dissatisfied with your finances, (Wait…We have finances?)
but before you panic and hire a financial adviser, check your expenses. (Hey, We had to pay three plumbers, and We didn’t get any buttcrack.)
It could be time to make more money (Well, We could hardly make less.)
— or it could be time to cut back on expensive dates! (How can ya call it a date, if there’s no buttcrack?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.