Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,
January Fifteenst, TwennyFourTeen. Happy
Birthday to Augustine, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That
Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday
also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today all the way in El Lay on the
way to Cape May. (Sorry.) Additionally, Happy Birthday also too to
Donald, who probably does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere called
Hopwood, Pennsylvania, of which We are fairly certain We had never heard until
just this very minute. Rock those
hinterlands, Donald.
Geography is hard.
Really?
Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door?
What the fuck did We ever do to The Universe? (And why do We never remember
to tear off all of Our clothes when there’s a knock at the door and We’re not
expecting anyone.)
Speaking of people at Our door, We were well
and truly plumbed at the crack of ass this morning. When We called the plumber yesterday, We were
told that they could not come till today, and would call Us in the
morning. We cleverly interpreted “morning”
to mean “any time after dawn”, and thus took Our phone to bed with Us. (Johnny Depp, oddly, did not complain.)
So at any rate, the sun was barely up when We
had three, count then THREE, strapping plumbers in Our very lair. And even the
least attractive of the three was an improvement over what you would
imagine. The other two were downright
HAWTT. Including a trainee who, in the
course of conversation, revealed that he was born in 1994. We refrained from informing him that he is
the same age as Justin Bieber.
So three hawtt plumbers…the sun barely up…if
you’re expecting some smutty porno story, you are clearly new to these
parts. We cannot even explain to you how
it is that We never saw so much as a whisper of a buttcrack.
On the plus side, Our problem was fixed with
little muss and fuss, and was not, in fact, the result of any acute behavior of
Ours. So there’s that. On the minus side, We’re shy at least one
buttcrack. So We’ll have to have Our
actor friend over soon to play Itchy Plumber With The Really Big Wrench And
Bored Clothing-Challenged Housewife.
What?
That’s totally a thing.
In other other news, We need you all right
now quick fast and in a hurry to get
your tickets for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices
Festival in Norristown this Friday night at 8, before they are all sold out. We are very proud to have been chosen to be a
part of this festival, and We want to see you there.
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo)).
We are also currently in talks regarding
appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes
available.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers
who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may
share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must
say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by
the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally,
The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis (to say nothing of his buttcrack (no, really...say NOTHING.)):
And now, the HorrorScope…
Meanwhile, Our celebrity birthday website
would have Us believe that Charo is only sixty-three, and yet she has been on
television since it was radio.
It’s all on you (Innit always?)
—
today’s big project requires your initiative to push things through. (Is it just Us, or does that sound dirty to
you , too?)
You may find that it’s easier to just start
on your own and let others peek over your shoulder. (Are they trying to look down Our blouse?)
You want to travel so badly that if you
could, you’d be in a cab on your way to the airport right now, passport in
hand. (Sing it, Sistah! (Although We are thisclose to traveling to/performing in Boston…stay tuned for
details.))
If duty calls, however — especially if it
calls loudly enough to keep you off that plane or out of that car — your sense
of responsibility will kick in. (On the other hand, if Howdy Doody calls, take
a message.)
In that case, the least you can do is to
treat yourself to the company of someone new and exotic. (Because We know the difference between
dyslexia and sex daily, We looked at that sentence cross-eyed at first, and
read it as “treat yourself to the company of someone new and toxic”. Which makes precious little sense.)
You’re likely dissatisfied with your
finances, (Wait…We have finances?)
but before you panic and hire a financial
adviser, check your expenses. (Hey, We had to pay three plumbers, and We
didn’t get any buttcrack.)
It could be time to make more money (Well, We
could hardly make less.)
— or
it could be time to cut back on expensive dates! (How can ya call it a date, if there’s no
buttcrack?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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