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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

You put your buttcrack in, you put your buttcrack out…





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, January Forteenf, TwennyForteen…f.  Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Kate, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Additionally, Happy Birthday also too to Michael, who additionally also too turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Delawhere.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Cynthia, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Skip, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend.



And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Alexander Hamilton (yes, THAT Alexander Hamilton), who turned two hundred and fifty nine over the weekend.  (We include him here because he is Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend, and We wouldn’t want to offend him.  Plus, he knows that Thomas Jefferson guy, who’s really HAWTT.)



From the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Department, We finally had Our oft-postponed reunion dinner with Our friend who spent half of last year bringing cultchah to the West Wisconsonomingtonites.  Naturally, since We were really looking forward to this, The Universe had to see to it that We couldn’t just enjoy Ourself, and promptly caused Us to clog Our garbage disposal. (Now that We say it that way, it sounds like some sort of vulgar euphemism, but, really, We literally clogged Our garbage disposal.)



This did not impede Our dinner progress at all (fuck you, The Universe), but it did prevent Us from cleaning up afterwards, and will require Us to get a plumber over here at some point today.  Which, while it might be amusing if We lived in a porno movie, will not be nearly as exciting in real life.



(We have now mentally cast Our actor friend as Our new plumber, and he is under Our kitchen sink with his Really Big Wrench.  (We suspect this is not going to end well.  He is a very fine actor, but We get the feeling he is not much of a plumber.  Perhaps next time he is here, We’ll just make him show Us his buttcrack and call it a day.))



Micro$oft Weird™ does not think “buttcrack” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not met Our plumber.



In other news, We had a dream last night that it was Our birthday, and that We had an actual date for the occasion.  His name?  Was Walter White.  But he bore no resemblance whatsoever to Bryan Cranston or his Breaking Bad character. So why the name (which We continually used in its entirety, i.e. the gentleman was constantly referred to by Ourself and others as ‘Walter White”.)?  Anyone?  Bueller?



In other other news, We need you all right now quick fast  and in a hurry to get your tickets for  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown this Friday night at 8, before they are all sold out.  We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there. 



Tickets are available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/



Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).



We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.



Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.



On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:







…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:





And now, the HorrorScope…




It is Benedict Arnold’s birthday.  Speaking of historic buttcrack. 




You need to move closer to what you think of as home.  (We have no intention of leaving home today.  As soon as We finish this e-pisstle, We shall be calling the plumber.  Then We shall be Waiting For The Plumber.  (Did We mention that Our plumber’s name is Godot?))




(Sigh. We are bored just typing about it.  Our friend, his buttcrack, and his Really Big Wrench are sounding better and better right about now.)




That could just mean skipping work or school, (Or it could mean skipping to the loo, My Darling.)




(Dinah won’tcha blow, Dinah won’t’cha blow, Dinah won’t’cha blow, you whore-whore-whore…)




(Sorry.)




or it could involve a serious, long-term lifestyle change. (That sounds like a lot of work…)




Whatever it is, take it seriously!  (We take EVERYTHING seriously!  For example, We are about to begin a serious campaign to change the phrase “serious as a heart attack” to “serious as a buttcrack”.  Howzzat for seriosity?)




Be extra careful not to let yourself become tired or run down. (What about bored into a coma waiting for Our plumber Godot?)




You’ll need all the physical and emotional strength you can muster to get through today — and, more importantly, tonight. (Oh, good lord.  Something tells Us that, by the end of it all, We’ll be using the word “buttcrack” as though it were (subjunctively) Our smelling salts.)




(You’re picturing that literally now, aren’t you?  You’ve got a mental image of Us snorting a big ol’ line of buttcrack.  Pervert.)




Of course, if anyone has mastered the concept of the 20 minute power nap, followed by a cool shower and a strong cappuccino, it’s you. (What the fuck language was that last sentence even in?)




Go ahead. (Make. My. Lunch.)




(Is anyone else picturing Clint Eastwood in drag right now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)




Show us how it’s done and make this day work for you.  (What if the hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about?)




It’s a great time to try anything new, but it’s really all in how you approach it. (Hey, any buttcrack in a storm.)





Take extra time to do your homework and try to avoid jumping into a spontaneous craze. (B-U-T-T K-R-A-K BUTT KRAK.  (It’s like R-A-G-G M-O-P-P RAGG MOPP, only it’s buttcrack.  Which is way more fun than some stupid mop.))




You want this to last! (Oh, so you’re saying The Never-Ending Buttcrack?  An excellent title for Our new children’s book.)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.