Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, January Forteenf,
TwennyForteen…f. Happy Birthday to Ed,
who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Kate, who
also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles. Additionally, Happy Birthday also too to Michael, who additionally
also too turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Delawhere.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to
Cynthia, who turned twenty-four over the weekend. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Skip, who also
turned twenty-four over the weekend.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated
Birthday to Alexander Hamilton (yes, THAT Alexander Hamilton), who turned two
hundred and fifty nine over the weekend.
(We include him here because he is Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend, and We
wouldn’t want to offend him. Plus, he
knows that Thomas Jefferson guy, who’s really HAWTT.)
From the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Department, We finally had Our oft-postponed reunion dinner with Our friend who
spent half of last year bringing cultchah to the West Wisconsonomingtonites. Naturally, since We were really looking forward
to this, The Universe had to see to it that We couldn’t just enjoy Ourself, and
promptly caused Us to clog Our garbage disposal. (Now that We say it that way,
it sounds like some sort of vulgar euphemism, but, really, We literally clogged
Our garbage disposal.)
This did not impede Our dinner progress at
all (fuck you, The Universe), but it did prevent Us from cleaning up
afterwards, and will require Us to get a plumber over here at some point
today. Which, while it might be amusing
if We lived in a porno movie, will not be nearly as exciting in real life.
(We have now mentally cast Our actor friend
as Our new plumber, and he is under Our kitchen sink with his Really Big
Wrench. (We suspect this is not going to
end well. He is a very fine actor, but
We get the feeling he is not much of a plumber.
Perhaps next time he is here, We’ll just make him show Us his buttcrack
and call it a day.))
Micro$oft Weird™ does not think “buttcrack”
is a word. Micro$oft Weird™ has
apparently not met Our plumber.
In other news, We had a dream last night that
it was Our birthday, and that We had an actual date for the occasion. His name?
Was Walter White. But he bore no
resemblance whatsoever to Bryan Cranston or his Breaking Bad character. So why the name (which We continually used
in its entirety, i.e. the gentleman was constantly referred to by Ourself and others
as ‘Walter White”.)? Anyone? Bueller?
In other other news, We need you all right
now quick fast and in a hurry to get your
tickets for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices
Festival in Norristown this Friday night at 8, before they are all sold out. We are very proud to have been chosen to be a
part of this festival, and We want to see you there.
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo)).
We are also currently in talks regarding
appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes
available.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers
who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may
share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must
say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by
the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally,
The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:
And now, the HorrorScope…
It is Benedict Arnold’s birthday. Speaking of historic buttcrack.
You need to move closer to what you think of
as home. (We have no intention of leaving
home today. As soon as We finish this
e-pisstle, We shall be calling the plumber.
Then We shall be Waiting For The Plumber. (Did We mention that Our plumber’s name is
Godot?))
(Sigh. We are bored just typing about
it. Our friend, his buttcrack, and his
Really Big Wrench are sounding better and better right about now.)
That could just mean skipping work or school,
(Or it could mean skipping to the loo, My Darling.)
(Dinah won’tcha blow, Dinah won’t’cha blow,
Dinah won’t’cha blow, you whore-whore-whore…)
(Sorry.)
or it could involve a serious, long-term
lifestyle change. (That sounds like a lot of work…)
Whatever it is, take it seriously! (We take EVERYTHING seriously! For example, We are about to begin a serious
campaign to change the phrase “serious as a heart attack” to “serious as a buttcrack”. Howzzat for seriosity?)
Be extra careful not to let yourself become
tired or run down. (What about bored into a coma waiting for Our plumber
Godot?)
You’ll need all the physical and emotional
strength you can muster to get through today — and, more importantly, tonight. (Oh,
good lord. Something tells Us that, by
the end of it all, We’ll be using the word “buttcrack” as though it were
(subjunctively) Our smelling salts.)
(You’re picturing that literally now, aren’t
you? You’ve got a mental image of Us
snorting a big ol’ line of buttcrack.
Pervert.)
Of course, if anyone has mastered the concept
of the 20 minute power nap, followed by a cool shower and a strong cappuccino,
it’s you. (What the fuck language was that last sentence even in?)
Go ahead. (Make. My. Lunch.)
(Is anyone else picturing Clint Eastwood in
drag right now? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Show us how it’s done and make this day work
for you. (What if the hokey-Pokey really
IS what it’s all about?)
It’s a great time to try anything new, but
it’s really all in how you approach it. (Hey, any buttcrack in a storm.)
Take extra time to do your homework and try
to avoid jumping into a spontaneous craze. (B-U-T-T K-R-A-K BUTT KRAK. (It’s like R-A-G-G M-O-P-P RAGG MOPP, only it’s
buttcrack. Which is way more fun than
some stupid mop.))
You want this to last! (Oh, so you’re saying
The Never-Ending Buttcrack? An excellent
title for Our new children’s book.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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