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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, January Twenny-Thurd, Twenny-Fourteen.

Happy Birthday to Deedee, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Northern New Jersey.  Northern New Jersey is, of course, the part that’s a suburb of New York, as opposed to Southern New Jersey, which is a suburb of Philadelphia.  Not to be confused with Central New Jersey, which is a suburb of Alabama.

Kudos to Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian friend Michael, who won the InterNetz this morning by informing Us that it is only 120 days until Memorial Day weekend.

We have precious little news of Our Own this morning, so it’s a good thing celebrities have been working overtime.  First up, Justin Bieber was arrested for doing drag in Florida yesterday.  The question on everyone’s mind is, naturally, how could they tell?

As Our long-term Gentle Readers who are NOT naked skimmers are aware, we cannot possibly mention Justin Bieber without sharing Our Own Personal video with the guy…fella…person…so here it is:

In other news, the Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce.  In equally relevant news, ABC has cancelled The Ghost and Mrs. Muir.

In other more newsworthy news, We are one step closer to Our appearing in Greater Bostonia, and are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are now in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

And now, the HorrorScope…

It’s a good thing celebrities are acting up in the news, because they are apparently not having birthdays today.

You easily resist the urge (Yeah…resisting urges.  It’s what We do best.)

to go your own way or ignore those in need — but you may find that your own needs start to become harder to ignore by the end of the day. (Wow.  That’s deep. Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

There’s nothing wrong with that!  (On the other hand, “Muskrat Love”?  Seriously?  We’d divorce your ass, too.  Muskrat fucker.)

Whoever has been telling you that you are selfish is merely projecting their own selfishness on to you (And here, We thought they were saying “shellfish”.  (Not that We’ve actually spoken to another living human.))

(Did she say “muskrat fucker”?)

— you know what you have done, and you know that you’ve done enough!  (Also, stick a fork in Us.  (But not in Our muskrat.))

There is too much noise coming at you from people who think that they know how you should run your life. (Wait…We have a life?!?  When did THAT happen?)

Get some space from these know-it-alls and go spend time with a person who never tries to tell you what to do. (Paging Helen Keller…Helen Keller to the white courtesy phone…oh, never mind.)


You deserve unconditional love right now. (But NOT unconditional MUSKRAT love.  Because, EEEUUUWWW!!!)

You know where to get it, so go there as early in the day as possible.  (Doesn’t there come a point where it’s too late to be early?  Discuss….)

Anything you start today — new projects, health programs, flirtatious emails — is definitely auspicious.  (Anything We start tomorrow, on the other hand, will be definitely aubergine.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants to change “aubergine” to “aborigine”.  Which isn’t the same thing at all.)

Take advantage of the energy boost  (Jigga WUT?)

and take the initiative now with anything you want to go well. (That’s a deep subject.)

(Wait for it…)

(THERE ya go!)

Namaste, MuskratFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.