Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, January 8st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Vinnie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Harmony, who also turns twenty-four today. In Oregon. Where the oregano comes from. (That joke (if We may call it that) only works if you pronounce “oregano” as Glenda Jackson does in A Touch Of Class, i.e. as “ore-eh-GAH-no” rather than “ore-RAY-guh-no”. (Please note that, by “works”, We mean “isn’t the least bit funny, but at least you might not think We’ve completely lost what passes for Our mind”. (The best jokes are, of course, the ones that have to be explained.)))
Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are feeling a little better today. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern and get-well wishes. Of course, having been left completely to Our Own devices since New Year’s Eve, We have had plenty of time to contemplate the absence of concern and well-wishes as well, and, in fact, an instance or two in which We seem to have been made use of while it was convenient, then cast aside like an old shoe once Our usefulness had been outlived.
Perhaps, someday, We shall learn.
But probably not.
We shall be off into the cold later today to do the murder mystery. Speaking of the cold, We have here the definitive “it’s cold outside” video, which trumps all of your “throwing boiling water into the air” videos, in which a very cute boy pees outside in Minnesota. It is Safe For Work, because (A.) you see the pee, but you do not (unfortunately) see the thing he pees with, and (2.) EVERYTHING that happens in Minnesota is Safe For Work. Which is one of the reasons We don’t live in Minnesota…
In other news, mark your calendars for this Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!
Tickets are now available at http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/
Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).
We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.
Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.
On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites. It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:
…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:
(Hmmm…it occurs to Us that, much like Cute Boi Peeing Outside In Minnesota’s penis, One doesn’t so much see Justin Bieber’s penis in that video neither. No wonder We haven’t gone viral…)
And now, the HorrorScope…
Every Tom’s Dick Is Hairy with a horoscope/birthday blog will be telling you that it is Elvis Presley’s birthday. But who else will inform you that Larry Storch of F Troop fame is still alive?
Stay active as much as you can — otherwise, you may not be sure that you’re still alive! (Wait…could We have died, and no one told Us? Could be…who would tell Us?)
Your energy should lift your mood, (‘Cause he’s a mood operator…(That’ how it sounds when Sade goes full ‘tard. (This is why you NEVER go full ‘tard.)))
but if you’ve got to spin your wheels much longer, it just can’t last. (But Our mood got lifted and EVERYTHING…)
Your family members have a big surprise in store for you — a very big surprise. (Why does that sound like a threat?)
Does that mean you should worry about what’s coming or head for the hills? Certainly not. (We should say not…it is no doubt even colder in The Hills.)
Really, your only option is to hold on tight and ride the ride — which may actually be rather fun. (Define “fun”.)
Oh, and when this all goes down, pretend to be surprised. (We would be beyond surprised if anyone went down in Our presence.)
Your enthusiasm about dating does a lot of good for your overall romantic outlook. (We don’t see how….We’re enthusiastic about winning PowerBall™ too, and where’s that gotten Us?)
You need some serious positive thinking (We’re positive everything will turn out for the worst…howzzat?)
— especially if you’ve had your heart broken in the last year or so. (Wait…We have a heart?)
If you expect the best, it’s likelier to come to pass. (And it shall come to pass, like gas out your ass…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.