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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I spend my days just moo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooning all over you





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesDay, January 7st, 2013.



Happy Birthday to Patricia, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are feeling a little better today. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern and get-well wishes.  Not, of course, that We shall be able to leave the house and demonstrate Our feeling-betterness, what with it being nuclear winter and all.



All of these days home alone (kiss Us quick, We’re Macaulay Culkin) in the throes of influenza have also left Us with precious little about which to write (not, mind you, that We don’t have writing assignments We’ve been totally neglecting).



Although We did just get distracted by SitOnMyFaceBook, and We must just say this:  ladies, if you are an actual biological female, and We cannot tell by looking at a picture of you whether you are a woman or a drag queen, it is time for some sort of makeover/intervention.  Just sayin’.



What We were originally going to say here was that, courtesy of The Lovely And Talented Kevin via SitOnMyFaceBook this morning, We found this (which is viZZZually Safe For Work, but NOT audio-wise):




This contribution has the extra added attraction of the fact that The Lovely And Talented Kevin?  Makes Us think Warm Thoughts.  (Also Moist, but that’s not as important on a day like today.)



Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.



On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:






…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:






Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.



In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!



Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/



Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).



This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)




And now, the HorrorScope…




In celebrity birthday news, it is that gross disgusting hairy-backed ugly celebrity-by-nepotism-only Nicolas Cage’s birthday today.  Cinematic Hell, in case you were wondering (hey, sure, it’s Hell…but at least it’s warm), is a never-ending movie in which Nicolas Cage and the equally repulsive Ben Stiller play brothers competing for the romantic attentions of Melissa McCarthy while tending to the needs of their dying father, Woody Allen.




(You would think We had thrown up enough for one week.  You would be wrong.)




Get started on something new and cool  (Please don’t say “cool”.  KThxBye.)




— it could be anything that revs your gears!  (We were going to do a “Kevs your gears” play on words here, but we realized it would be lost on most of you, who have no idea who The Lovely And Talented Kevin is.  Poor things.)




(It further occurs to Us that that situation could be remedied if you contacted Us about coming to see the murder mystery, which is currently in its last few months.)




Your amazing personal energy (Jigga what?)




guarantees that you bring this new project to a thrilling conclusion.  (Is a “thrilling conclusion” like a “happy ending”?  Because it sounds like it would be similar, except that it would cost a lot more.)




After days of moping around, (We’re the moping champ of Rydell High.)




you’ll wake up this morning feeling like your old self again: (Who you calling “old”?)




charming, impulsive and ready to try anything at least once. (Wait…We thought you said We’d be feeling like Our old self…who’s this “charming impulsive”  assmunch?)




So what might be the perfect way to celebrate? (A champagne enema?)




How about reconnecting with the gang? (Let’s get Spanky to try it…he won’t eat it…he hates everything.)




(What?)





 After a bit of good-natured kidding about where you’ve been and a whole lot of winks, nods and sidelong glances, they’ll be delighted to have you back in the fold.  (If We can trade those winks for wanks, We’ll talk.)




And you can get back to your unofficial position as head of the entertainment committee.  (Oh, dear.  That sounds as though We should be wearing a hat.  And white gloves.  And a corsage. Heavy on the baby’s breath.)




Don’t just sit there … do something!  (Don’t just do something … sit there! )




It’s a great day to follow your nose (It always knows…the flavor of fruit…wherever it grows…) 




and do more than just make eye contact. (Does it occur to no one else that “eye contact” is just “I can’t act” in a bad British accent?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.) 




Ask that hottie out without hesitating. (If there is indeed a hottie, We are going to ask him IN.  Because, no matter how hot he is, we guarantee he will be less so outdoors.) 




Your confidence is amazing!  (We’re not so sure about that…)




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.