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Sunday, January 5, 2014

I ain't had no lovin' since January, February, June or July

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, January 5st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Ken, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Fran Sancisco.  Where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  Also, Happy Birthday to Travis, who turns twenty-four today , somewhere in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

Happy Belated Birthday to Peterson and to Anna, each of whom also turned twenty-four yesterday, for a grand total of forty-eight.

We have no idea what that means.

Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are sick like Downward Dog and delirious with the fever for the flavor of a Pringles™.  This came upon Us (and when does THAT happen?) after Friday’s e-pisstle and was in full swing by Friday night.  It has forced Us to call in sick to work, and to cancel dinner plans for today to which We have been looking forward for practically damn ever.  Also, it has put Us behind on All Of Those Things We Were Going To Accomplish After The Holidays.

We can tell that this is the flu, and not just a common cold because, in addition to all of the oh-so-attractive physical symptoms, it is accompanied by that state of depression and feeling of general worthlessness that only comes with a good flu.  We would expound upon that, but the sound of typing is getting on Our nerves.

Apropos of nothing, We just recalled that, in the midst of last night’s thirteen hours of delirious bedtime, We had a dream in which We were watching a musical at Plays and Players.  Starring Cory Monteith.  Who is dead.

Now We are going to cheat and leave large chunks of Friday’s text here.  The naked skimmers will never notice.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO!

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event ( (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

Is anyone else disappointed to learn that Mad Men star January Jones was born in…January?  That’s like finding out that June Allyson was born in Depends™.

We have no idea what that means, either.

You’ve got to lend a hand to those in need today (Oh, sure…Our hands are one of Our few body parts that are functioning normally, and now We’re expected to give ‘em away.)

(Did We mention that, in between bouts of uncontrollable farting, Our intestines feel like We’ve been participating in a ground-glass-eating contest?  Because We would hate to be accused of not sharing enough…)

— at least one person is counting on you. (So wait…did you COUNT the people who are counting on Us?  Because “at least one” isn’t a number.)

Things may get pretty hectic later in the afternoon, but as long as you’re focusing outward, all should be well.  (Plus, there’s Downton Abbey later.)

 Fasten your seatbelt and put your tray-table in the upright position (Oh, Kelli…you are such a wacky, zany, madcap impish little scamp.  Except for, ya know, NOT.)

— because whatever you had penciled into your planner will be entirely different from what actually happens. (We know.  We were supposed to be having a dinner party.  We suspect We shall open a can of chicken soup and call it a day.)

That’s not to say you’ll be distraught over the difference. (That’s easy for you to say.)

In fact, since you’re a fire sign, you’ll probably love it. (“Love” seems an awfully strong word for canned chicken soup.  Just sayin’.)

Besides, the end result of this unexpected event will be an unexpected blessing.  (What, we’re gonna find the can of chicken soup that lays the golden eggs?)

 Karma is tricky, yet rewarding. (It is also a bitch.  On the other hand, with every five karmas, you get a chameleon.)

 Your actions now could directly affect someone later. (That’s like that butterfly movie with Ashton Kutcher, innit?  We never saw that movie.  Is he naked in it?)

Keep that temper in check and put out positive energy by doing good deeds for anyone who comes your way.  (Oh, please.  No one is “coming Our way”.  (Although, if you ARE coming Our way, please bring homemade chicken soup.  KThxBye.))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.