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Wednesday, January 1, 2014

And the Rockettes’ red hair, Ellen Burstyn won’t Nair™






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for The Second Consecutive Non-Hump Day Hump Day (Of Course They’re ALL Non-Hump Days To Us), January 1th, 2014.  Happy End Of Kwanzaa to all you Nancy Kwan worshippers out there (do you think maybe you‘re taking your Asian fetish just a wee tad bit too far?  Get help.)  Also, Happy Mummers Parade to all you drag queens.



Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Tony, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Ryanne, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay, by way, We have just learned (at least We THINK We have just learned…senility is complexicated) of Altoona. 



And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Terrance, who turns twenty-four today (no, really!) in Bethlehem.  We Our Own Self Personally are considering moving to Bethlehem, because (1.) you should see a picture of Terrance and (B.) We hear you can get laid in a manger.



That there was a little Christmas joke.  Very little.



As We mentioned yesterday, We were murder-mysterying last evening.  Turns out, the people who wanted to do that for New Years Eve wanted some dinner and some entertainment that didn’t involve a bunch of drunks.  Who knew?  We Our Own Self Personally were in a cab at actual midnight (because, ya know, the glamour).  When We arrived in Souf Philly, Our cab driver was frightened by all the up-close-and-personal fireworks and guns going off.  It really was like being on the set of a WWII movie; We felt as though We should be saying, “This is Wolf Blitzer reporting from war-torn Souf Philly.”  (Or maybe We just like saying “Wolf Blitzer”.)



We have not been to the Ack-A-Me since December 19st.   Perhaps today We shall do that, then come home and watch The Poseidon Adventure. Or at least the part where the ship turns over…have to start the year off right.



In other news, weather.com, which still thinks We live in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington (thanks, Doh!) wants Us to know that it is 39 degrees here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and 13 in Milwaukee. Thanks, weather.com! (We just had a photo report come in from Our correspondent at the Mummers Parade (NOT Wolf Blitzer (Hi, Evan!)), who is wearing a winter jacket that is not even zippered up.)



In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013



In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!



Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/



Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).



This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)




Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM



And now, the HorrorScope…




We were very excited to find out who the biggest celebrity New Years Babies were.  Imagine Our consternation when the only name We recognized out of the top ten on Our celebrity birthday website was Betsy Ross.  Seriously, people…the guy who played Mini-Me?  A “Horror film actress who starred in the 2011 thriller Hostel: Part Three”? Give Nell Carter a break.




You are a little worried about how others see you (We are going to the supermarket.  No one is going to “see Us”.)




— it’s like high school all over again!  (Also, it’s like déjà vu all over again.)




Try not to freak out too much, (SHUT UP!!!  DON’T YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO!!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!)




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




as the best thing you can do is act as naturally as possible.  (Curses!  Foiled again!)




Moving forward too far too fast is a dangerous thing, so beware. (That sentence is also true if you change “far” to “fart”.  No, really…go back and try it.  We’ll wait here.)




(See?)




Today, you will have to perform a delicate balance between pursuing your goals and standing still long enough to enjoy the fruit of all your labors.  (There’s a Fruity Pebbles™ joke in there somewhere, but We’re damned if We’ll expend the energy to ferret it out.)




Someone needs you to slow down long enough to give them some attention and answer some questions.  (No, it doesn’t involve an actual ferret.)




Someone from out of the blue has a major crush on you. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)





(Also, who are all of these “Someones”?)




Keep your eyes open and tread carefully when dealing with other people’s feelings. (The way they do with Us, ya mean?)




You would want them to look out for you if the situations were reversed, right?  (That’s one o’ them retardical questions, innit?)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.