Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,
January Twenny-Twoth, TwothOusandFourTeenAgersNakedInTheSameSleepingBag…ooops,
sorry.
They would have Us believe that We got twelve
inches of snow yesterday. Which is
clearly ludicrous, as snow is white.
Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist.
Speaking of snow, We are currently
multitasking. We have clothes in the
dryer, and the hot air from the dryer vent is melting Our piled-up snow. We are ornamental AND environmental. (Also just plain mental.)
We actually had a lovely snow day yesterday,
watching SAG screeners and eating junk food, while mixing up Cate Blanchett
with Kate Winslett. (If you buy Us a
drink one day, We’ll tell you all about Our Leonardo DiCaprio fingerpuppet
theory. (Which gets dirtier each time We
tell it.))
Unfortunately, Our friend seemed to think We were joking about his
Really Big Wrench and his Buttcrack, but you can’t have everything. (Or, in Our case, anything.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ appears to want “fingerpuppet”
to be two words. How do ya feel about “fingerbanging”,
Micro$oft Weird™?)
We are now in the sign of Aquarius, the only
sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our
video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
.
In random other news, this just
in: Sometimes
I use big words I don’t always fully understand in an effort to make myself
sound more photosynthesis.
In other more newsworthy news, We are one step closer to
Our appearing in Greater Bostonia, and will shortly be issuing a “Save-The-Date”
to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers.
We are VERY excited….stay tuned!
And now, the HorrorScope…
Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that Sir
Walter Raleigh and Sir Francis Bacon were both born today, and were, for the
most part, contemporaries. Isn’t that
interesting?
We can hear the “NO!” echoing from here…
Also, it wants Us to know that Alize Cornet is a FEMALE
tennis player. We’re sure she’s glad for
the clarification.
Now is a great time to get started on new projects —
especially those that require paperwork or other bureaucratic ephemera. (Okay, “bureaucratic ephemera”? Sounds way too pretty to mean what it
actually means.)
Your ability to navigate such terrain is heightened now. (See ya later, navigator.)
(After while, Vera Miles.)
(What?)
(You were expecting maybe, “After while, Lois Chiles”?)
There has been an
emotional barrier (Is that like a dental dam?
Because We don’t actually know exactly what that is, either.)
between you and someone else for a while now, but these
walls are about to come down! (Well, of course
they are! That’s what happens when ya
bang on ‘em with a Really Big Wrench.)
This is a good time to initiate a new project with this
person, because by working together you can truly make a connection. (We don’t even need to say anything here. So We won’t.)
You can use your charm to get anything you want, including
high regard from another person. (Give
high regards to Bombay, remember Us to hairy Cher.)
(What?)
You don’t take advantage of your personality enough, (Why
would We take advantage of Our Own Self, when everybody else is so busy doing
it for Us?)
and that should change, starting today. (Absolutely nothing
is starting today.)
Open up and tear the walls down. (Really.
Big. Wrench.)
(Penis euphemisms just never get old, do they?)
You’re quite amusing — and totally fascinating — but
they’re only aspects of your charm. (Are you writing a song about Us? Because
it sounds like you’re writing a song about Us.)
(Speaking of writing a song about Us, a director of a
fillum recently informed Us that We could not possibly be cast in his fillum
because We were, and We quote, “too young”.
Fortunately (for him, anyway), he shared this information electronically
from a distance, thereby preventing Us from kissing him right on the lips.)
You can also make people feel the same way. (As what?)
Ask big questions (How big is it?)
(Oh, please. Who
didn’t see THAT coming?)
and you can find out what makes them tick. (Never mind what makes them tick…when do they
explode?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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