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Monday, January 20, 2014

I’d like a man to nibble on my rear






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManicottiMonday, January Twennyest, TwennyFourTeen.
Happy Martin Luther King Day to all of Our Gentle Readers.  We don’t know about you, but We just took Our Christmas tree down on Saturday, so We are a bit behind on Our Martin Luther King Day decorating.  We suspect We shan’t have a Martin Luther King Day tree this year, although perhaps later We shall bake some Martin Luther King Day cookies in anticipation of the upcoming snowstorm.  Fortunately, the frigid temperatures aren’t arriving till tomorrow, so this evening will be plenty warm enough for Martin Luther King Day caroling.



The WorldWideInterWebNetz, and SitOnMyFaceBook in particular, are full of inspirational quotes from and stories about Doctor King, so We don’t feel the need to replicate them here.  However, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! being your source for Fascinating Information You Cannot Find Anywhere Else, We do feel compelled to inform you that, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, last night’s episode of Downton Abbey had A Black Person on it.  He played A Jazz Singer, and had on more eyeliner than the entire female cast combined. Plus, he actually spoke to, and was spoken to BY, a white woman. Who was a member of the Crawley family, NOT one of the servants.



Clearly, racism is dead.



Although We don’t think the media is helping matters by subtitling Martin Luther King Day “A Day Of Servants”.  We’re just sayin’.



But enough holiday cheer.  Lettuce move on up to the East Side, to a dee-luxe apartment in the sky…oops, lettuce move on to The Birthday Wishes.  Which are totes all over the map today.  Except for Shane, to whom We wish a very Happy Birthday, who is turning twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 


Happy Birthday also to Jared, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Oh Hi, Ohio.  Akron, to be exAkt.  (And I have looked ev-ry-where from Ar-kan-saw to Ak-a-ron…but Sugar, there’s no sugar substitute to sub-sti-tute for saccharine…(Sorry.))



Happy Birthday also too to Joanne, who also too turns twenty-four today, somewhere in New York that is not New York, New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).  Additionally, Happy Birthday to Marcus, who turns (additionally) twenty-four today in Las Vegas.



And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Shirley, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in IDon’tThinkWe’reInKansasAnyMore.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Anita, and Chris, and Michael, and Natalie, and Tina, most of whom turned twenty-four (although some not quite) over the weekend. 



(Whew!  We feel JUST like Miss Patti on Romper Room School.)



(Shaddup.)



In other news, thanks to Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and Dave for coming out to see Our show on Friday.  Stay tuned to these e-pisstles for news on Our upcoming appearances.



Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  
   http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
        .



On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:




…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:





And now, the HorrorScope…




In celebrity birthday news, it is Skeet Ulrich’s birthday.  What the hell ever happened to him?  Remember when he was young and cute?  Just in case YOU were feeling young and cute by mistake today, We are here to tell you that the first Scream, which was one of Mister Ulrich’s first appearances?  Was EIGHTEEN years ago.



You’re welcome.


And Happy Monday.



You have to direct your attention outward today  (Sorry; did you say something?)




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




— otherwise, things may get weird or difficult. (You say that like it’s a bad thing.  Usually, Our things are weird AND difficult.  So “or” would be a vast improvement.)



(Also, avast, ye landlubbers.)



(ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!)




(Sorry.)




Your energy is best spent helping others instead of focusing on your own personal needs.  (Perhaps that’s why they’re calling it A Day Of Servants.)




 Today might not go down in history as the most exciting twenty four hours of your life, (Gee…ya think?)




but your routine will be thrown on its ear for at least part of the day.  (Anatomy…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)




(No, We have no idea.)




This will create quite a bit of frenzy. (As long as it’s not a feeding frenzy…We can barely fit out Our front door as it is.)




The good news is that right now you’re in the perfect frame of mind to deal with whatever hiccups pop up (Technically, shouldn’t that be “whatever hiccoughs pough ugh”?)




— you won’t get rattled and you won’t get distracted  (Sorry…what did you say?)




(Heh.  We did it again.  It’s the joke that just keeps on giving.  And that, unlike Skeet Ulrich, doesn’t get old.)




by feelings of resentment or frustration.  (See, now We resent the fact that We are frustrated that “resentment” and “frustration” cannot be combined into one word.)




You have an amazing ability to stay focused right now, (Sorry…what did you say?)



(OMG, it’s an hilarity trifecta!)




which will help you stay sane!  (We’re fairly certain that ship has sailed, kidz.)




Check the online personals or networking sites early today — you’ve got just the right energy to help you meet someone great, and the creative mojo to craft a sweet message. (And, if that doesn’t work, We’ll have Our major domo draft a meat sausage.)




(What?  SHE said We’re sane, WE didn’t.)




Later, you’re sure to be too busy.  (Well, sure…We’ve used that “distraction” joke three times.  We can’t use it again, so now We need a new joke.  Sigh.)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.