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Friday, January 24, 2014

Roadrunner…the coyote’s after you. Roadrunner…if he catches you, you’re through.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January Twenny-Fourst, Twenny-FourTeen.

Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Colorado, which is some big square state where it’s supposed to be as cold as it is here right now.

Happy Birthday also to Alex, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We are going to have to be very careful today to make this a very funny e-pissode, because this Alex of whom We speak is actually funnier than We are.  Alex does Sketch Comedy.  Which, for those of you who aren’t show-biz-savvy, means that he draws really funny things really quickly.  Kind of like those guys that judges have draw everything in the courtroom, because judges are too ugly to have their picture taken, except the stuff he draws is funny.  For example, he once drew an entire season of How I Met Your Mother (one of the EARLY seasons, naturally) with Neil Patrick Harris replaced by the Roadrunner.

Alex’s partner in sketch comedy is also funnier than We are, but, because We know him better, he very kindly pretends that he isn’t.  Here, for example, is a video of him pretending to be less funny than We are:

In general, when two people are comedy partners, the less-funny one is called the “straight man”.  However, in the case of Alex and his partner, they are both the straight man.  You most likely wouldn’t think there would be anything funny about two straight men together (except, of course, for how they dress) until you realize that they are part of a time-honored theatrical tradition of comedy duos consisting of two straight men…Rowan and Martin…Cheech and Chong….Bush and Cheney…

(We apologize that the preceding joke was not up to anybody’s standards.  We were distracted trying to come up with a pièce de résistance joke involving Neil Patrick Harris and the Roadrunner.)

(Insert Roadrunner sound effect here.)

But let’s get off of Alex and give somebody else a chance.

In other more newsworthy news, We are one step closer to Our appearing in Greater Bostonia, and are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

And now, the HorrorScope…

You are feeling an urgent need for downtime (Actually, that’s an urgent need for downward-dog-time.  (We only said that so We could treat you to the mental image of Us doing yoga.  (You’re welcome.)))

— so make sure that you can get away by yourself for a while!  (Of all the things We find difficult in life, managing to spend time by Ourself is not one of them.)

It’s easier than you think to deal with these feelings, (But how easy is it to feel with these dealings?  Huh?  HOW EASY IZZAT?)

 but you need to take them seriously first.  (Oh, sure…try to make Us the straight man.  Good luck with that.)

 Someone will be giving you an awful lot of attention today, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you might not be comfortable with it. (Which is exactly what Neil Patrick Harris said to the Roadrunner.)

(Nope, that wasn’t it.  Never mind.)

 If so, your best tactic is to try to ignore them. (Your best Tic-Tac™, on the other hand, is Wintergreen.)

You can’t try to fake it, (Oh, please.  It’s all about sincerity.  If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

but there is also no need to hurt their feelings or embarrass them with overcomplicated apologies. (Can We make them show Us their Buttcracks and their Really Big Wrenches?)

(Did We really just do a call-back joke to an e-pissode that everybody ignored?)

Instead, just carry on with normal relations and sooner or later they will get the picture that you aren’t interested.  (That sentence becomes much more interesting once you realize that “normal relations” is a euphemism for “fucking in the missionary position”.  (Of course, it no longer makes any sense whatsoever, but it becomes much more interesting.))

Then they will likely give up and move on to someone else.  (Innat just like a man?)

It’s hard to see your love life (Because it’s invisible?  Because it doesn’t exist?  Because We’re surrounded by straight men???)

in a bigger context and be passive about it right now (Can We be passive-aggressive about it instead?)

 — your feelings are probably running the show. (Insert some joke about the runs here.  Also, Neil Patrick Harris and the Roadrunner.)

Check in with a more balanced, warm-hearted friend. (You know, it is very difficult to tell just how warm someone’s heart is.  Until you rip it out of their chest with a chainsaw.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.