Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,
January Twenny-Fourst, Twenny-FourTeen.
Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four
today all the way out in Colorado, which is some big square state where it’s supposed to be as cold as it is here
right now.
Happy Birthday also to Alex, who also turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
We are going to have to be very careful today
to make this a very funny e-pissode, because this Alex of whom We speak is
actually funnier than We are. Alex does
Sketch Comedy. Which, for those of you
who aren’t show-biz-savvy, means that he draws really funny things really
quickly. Kind of like those guys that
judges have draw everything in the courtroom, because judges are too ugly to
have their picture taken, except the stuff he draws is funny. For example, he once drew an entire season of
How I Met Your Mother (one of the
EARLY seasons, naturally) with Neil Patrick Harris replaced by the Roadrunner.
Alex’s partner in sketch comedy is also
funnier than We are, but, because We know him better, he very kindly pretends
that he isn’t. Here, for example, is a
video of him pretending to be less funny than We are:
In general, when two people are comedy
partners, the less-funny one is called the “straight man”. However, in the case of Alex and his partner,
they are both the straight man. You most likely wouldn’t think there would be
anything funny about two straight men together (except, of course, for how they
dress) until you realize that they are part of a time-honored theatrical tradition
of comedy duos consisting of two straight men…Rowan and Martin…Cheech and Chong….Bush
and Cheney…
(We apologize that the preceding joke was not
up to anybody’s standards. We were
distracted trying to come up with a pièce de résistance joke involving
Neil Patrick Harris and the Roadrunner.)
(Insert Roadrunner sound effect
here.)
But let’s get off of Alex and
give somebody else a chance.
.
In other more newsworthy news, We are one step closer to
Our appearing in Greater Bostonia, and are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to
Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for Friday, February 28st. (That date will not be Our only
Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.)
We are VERY excited….stay tuned!
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the
only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
You are feeling an urgent need for downtime (Actually, that’s
an urgent need for downward-dog-time.
(We only said that so We could treat you to the mental image of Us doing
yoga. (You’re welcome.)))
— so make sure that you can get away by yourself for a
while! (Of all the things We find
difficult in life, managing to spend time by Ourself is not one of them.)
It’s easier than you think to deal with these feelings,
(But how easy is it to feel with these dealings? Huh?
HOW EASY IZZAT?)
but you need to take
them seriously first. (Oh, sure…try to
make Us the straight man. Good luck with that.)
Someone will be
giving you an awful lot of attention today, (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. See what We
did there?)
but you might not be comfortable with it. (Which is exactly
what Neil Patrick Harris said to the Roadrunner.)
(Nope, that wasn’t it.
Never mind.)
If so, your best
tactic is to try to ignore them. (Your best Tic-Tac™, on the other hand, is
Wintergreen.)
You can’t try to fake it, (Oh, please. It’s all about sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)
but there is also no need to hurt their feelings or
embarrass them with overcomplicated apologies. (Can We make them show Us their
Buttcracks and their Really Big Wrenches?)
(Did We really just do a call-back joke to an e-pissode
that everybody ignored?)
Instead, just carry on with normal relations and sooner or
later they will get the picture that you aren’t interested. (That sentence becomes much more interesting
once you realize that “normal relations” is a euphemism for “fucking in the missionary
position”. (Of course, it no longer
makes any sense whatsoever, but it becomes much more interesting.))
Then they will likely give up and move on to someone
else. (Innat just like a man?)
It’s hard to see your love life (Because it’s
invisible? Because it doesn’t
exist? Because We’re surrounded by straight
men???)
in a bigger context and be passive about it right now (Can
We be passive-aggressive about it instead?)
— your feelings are
probably running the show. (Insert some joke about the runs here. Also, Neil Patrick Harris and the
Roadrunner.)
Check in with a more balanced, warm-hearted friend. (You
know, it is very difficult to tell just how warm someone’s heart is. Until you rip it out of their chest with a
chainsaw.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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