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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Doctor my eyes

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toot-Toot-Tuesday, Goodbye, Toot-Toot-Tuesday, Don’t Cry, September 13, 2011.  Somewhere in OurHouseWhereWeLive are Our spectacles.  Which We could probably find if We put Our contacts in, but that sounds too much like work.  This being Our life, We shall no doubt discover their whereabouts when We sit on them.  Sigh.

Meanwhile, We notice that We were uncharacteristically nice all day Sunday and yesterday, and nobody thought to remark upon it.  Fuckers.

As We haven’t got Our spectacles, the remainder of today’s horoscope will be typed in Braille.  Everybody put your hands up to your computer screen and say, “WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, you have only five more chances to see it, beginning this Wednesday, and There Will Be Consequences if you do not.  Here is Our Inquirer review:   We are particularly taken with the phrase “surprisingly butch”; We are thinking of having T-shirts made.  Tickets for the epic in question are available here: ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

And now for something completely different: a lost reel from the beloved Christmas classic, It’s A Wonderful Life Sentence:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Jo van Fleet’s Fleet’s™ enema.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Your bold enthusiasm is catching (Fortunately, a course of broad-spectrum antibiotics will cure it.)

— so make the most of it! (That sounds exhausting…)

See if you can get your friends to tag along, (Then see if you can get ‘em to speak Tagalog.  Apparently, you think Our friends will just do any damn thing We say.)

as you know that you’re going to lead them to great places.  (Like the prayer says, “lead the snots into temptation”.)

Self-confidence never looked so good!  (Isn’t that the tagline from some feminine hygiene product commercial? (Summer’s Eve™…for a cootchie that smells like a strawberry patch.  Self-confidence never looked so good!))

You are still exploring new ways to connect with other people, (Speaking of which, We were SO excited earlier to receive a text saying that someone was going to come and cover Our box tomorrow.  Till We realized they were talking about Our box OFFICE. (Not Our box ORIFICE.  (Is “box orifice” even a phrase?  Let’s go Google on Wikipedia and find out…well, apparently it is, but not in the festive way We were thinking.  Something to do with “large appliance parts” from Sears.  Sigh.)))

so be patient with the learning curve and try not get discouraged if you aren’t getting the results you want right now. (Shouldn’t that word actually be “disencouraged”?  Because One cannot be “couraged”, so how can One be “discouraged”? (Answer: very easily, if One is paying attention.))

Like it or not, when you try to engage in an exchange of ideas with someone else, the success of that endeavor relies on the other person just as much as it relies on you. (Indeed.  Because if they don’t have any ideas, it’s not going to be much of an exchange.)

So the outcome is not entirely within your control. (Much like Our bladder.  Thank Gawd for Depends™.)

Don’t take on all the responsibility for it. (Does this particular “it” have an antecedent?  What the fucking fuckety-fuck are you actually talking about, Kelli?)

Exploring new romantic territory can always be somewhat intimidating.  (We are thinking that, if you think of people as “territory”, intimidation is the least of your problems.)

But without risk, there’s just ‘what ifs’. (And without Candyland, there’s only choosy mothers choosing spliffs.)


Make a point today to do something daring to jumpstart your social life. (Well, this evening We shall be doing box orifice for the WaitStaff show ( ) We can feel Our social life jumpstarting now.)

Your dating destiny is all up to you. (Isn’t Destiny a girl’s name?  Since when is Starzina a lesbian?  (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.