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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

At last all too well I can see where we all soon will be

Greetings, Entourage Repulses Indiscreet Celebrity---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, September 21, 2010(Oh, my dears.  We attended a focus group last night, where ten of the dullest people on this or any other planet sat around talking for two hours about cable television.  The dullness, the tedium, the ennui…We kept praying for a cigarette break.  We actually went to the rest room at one point, just so We could talk to Ourselves and possibly stay awake.  (Eric Junior told Us a joke.  He’s funny that way.  (Not so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny…he spit on me, so I broke his neck”. (We would repeat the joke, but it was too dirty for polite company such as yourselves.  (Hey, We’re telling you Our p3nis told Us a joke…did you think it WOULDN’T be dirty?)))):

(That’s a whole lotta stuff about d1ck so early in the morning.  In other news, you can go here  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Are We two-bit wh0res, or what?)

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:



You need to keep things close to home today — in fact, it’s best if you do as little as possible. (You should be so proud of Us…We were going to run away to DownaShore for a couple of days this week, but We decided not to spend the money that We don’t have.  So We’re staying home and being cranky.  Yay, Us!)

Your energy is just right for quiet, domestic tasks (Should We darn a  sock or tat a doily?  Decisions, decisions.)

or for just chilling in front of the TV. (Season premiere ofGlee…problem solved!)

 It’s pretty hard to plan for the future (When it’s been cancelled.)

when you don’t have a solid understanding of what’s happening in the present. (Wait…there are presents?)

Oh sure, you kind of have an idea of what’s going on (Heh. Fooled YOU.)

— heck, (“Heck”?)

you know as much as most people do. (Somehow, with “most people” being the fu(king morons that they are, We don’t find this comforting.)

But you are a deep, psychologically insightful person, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

and you have the tools to really, truly grasp what your current world looks like.  (We’re not exactly sure how much help a Phillips head screwdriver is going to be in this instance.  Should We go buy an adz?  Or will this monkey wrench suffice?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that, instead of an adz, We might want to buy an ad.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ HAS met Us after all.  (Although, having suggested that, why is it now claiming that “ad” is misspelled?  And suggesting, as a replacement, “ad”???  Micro$oft Weird™ is…well…WEIRD.))

If you do this, then you greatly enhance the chances that the plans you make will be relevant and effective. (Is it just Us, or do “relevant” and “effective” plans sound like no fun whatsoever?)

So go to it!  (We keep getting distracted by bright shiny Internetz…didja know it’s Larry Hagman’s birthday?)

Patience is hard to come by (When you’re an ARIES, you fu(king moron.)

when dealing with your love life today. (Wait…We have a love life?)

Can you try to wait it out? (Oh, see, We must have misunderstood you the first time…We’ve been trying to WEIGHT it out.  And, judging from the size of Our @ssz, We’ve been doing an excellent job.)

Letting things unfold naturally, (What kind of advice is this?  Do you sit around waiting for your laundry to “fold naturally”?  We don’t think so.)

or letting them come to you, (Insert dirty joke told by Eric Junior here.)

 is the best way to go for now. (Well, THERE’S a self-help book that nobody’s gonna read.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):
 There’s always room for cowgrass)