Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, Augustus TwennyTurd, TwennyTurdTeen.
Happy Birthday to Kymm, who turns twenny-four today in Hollywood. Swimming pools, movie stars. Happy birthday also to Lucas, who turns nowhere
NEAR twenny-four today, and is probably not old enough to be reading this, and
so, no doubt, is not.
Rules:
they’re not just for breakfast any more.
(That’s a new rule.)
So
if We are renewing Our antivirus product, and you don’t explicitly tell Us that
We have to manually uninstall the old version before We install the new one, We
shall assume (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass) that, like any
sensible computer program since, oh, We
don’t know, 1997, it will uninstall it its own self. When this assumption renders Us incapable of
installing the new version and, further, disables Our keyboard’s ability to
function, We will say a whole lot of words which are among the reasons WHY
Lucas is not old enough to read this.
Much
like the sound of one hand clapping erasers while Helen Keller falls down in
the forest sans sound, We realize that no one is listening to Us, but if anyone
has any advice on this topic, letter rip.
(You
will have noticed that We have managed to revive Our keyboard’s ability to be
keyboardish, by using Our computer’s “let’s go back in time” function.)
In
other news, after yesterday’s Batman announcement, We had a dream last night
about Batman. Yes, THAT kind of
dream. Batman was NOT Ben Affleck. Later, We had a similar dream (yes, THAT kind
of dream) about a waiter. The waiter was
also not Ben Affleck. Guess what? The waiter was better than Batman. And that’s no Joker.
In other news of vital importance to the
realm, We continue to procrastinate over the script for Our Fringe show. The
show in question is, of course, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the
Kickstarter fundraiser for which
can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity
has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping
out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be
totally stalled.)
If you haven’t contributed yet, you should know that
there are only five days left!
Another
way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is
to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And,
of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be
obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
There
is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/
for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
And
here is the HorrorScope:
In
case you were mistakenly feeling young today, River Phoenix died twenty years
ago, and would be forty-three today.
Also, Barbara Eden is seventy-nine.
Your
raw enthusiasm can’t be denied (It also
cannot be stir-fried. Because then it
wouldn’t be, ya know, raw any more.)
(For
he’s a jolly good felLOOOOOW….which nobody can stirfry.)
—
and people are much more willing to play along with you now that your energy is
peaking! (Okay, does anybody else want
Chinese food now, or is it just Us? Just
Us? Alrighty, then.)
It’s
a great time to recruit new people to your team. (Heh, heh, heh.)
There’s a certain enlightening combination of
facts, fiction and circumstance that only you are privy to. (The actual phrase is “facts, fiction, and
fuckwittery”. The privy has nothing to
do with it. Try to keep up.)
That
means you’ll be in a power position, (OOOOOOOHHH!!!)
so
use it wisely. (We are SO wise, there should be three of Us.)
Keep
your cards close to your chest and don’t spill too much information. (See, the actual phrase being “close to your
vest”, you might think that Kelli had made (yet another) mistake. (We know, right?) But in this case, it is just her way of
letting Us know that the game in question is strip poker. Thus causing Us to mentally conjure the
phrase “River Phoenix’s birthday suit”.
Which We would imagine is a little wrinkled by now. Eeeeuuuwww!)
(Where’s
that waiter?)
Take
on as big of a leadership position as you possibly can. (That’s some sort of a
euphemism, right?)
You
may regret taking a backseat this time. (We
can spot a euphemism at five hundred paces.)
(If
We can’t find the waiter, maybe We can get Commissioner Gordon to turn on the
BatSignal. (In the new fillum, of
course, the BatSignal is just Matt Damon mooning out the window.))
(Did
We actually just tell that joke? Y’all
had better best go buy tickets to Our Fringe show, before there aren’t any
left.)
You
love being the first to check out new places, and tonight is the best time to
try the one that’s getting all the buzz lately. (“Buzz” should really have more
Zs in it, no?
Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….
Sorry.)
Make
sure to dress flatteringly, so you can generate a little buzz of your own! (Oh, please, Ducks. The way Our Own Personal birthday suit looks,
We shall be wanting to dress flatteningly.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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