Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, Augustus TwennyTurd, TwennyTurdTeen. Happy Birthday to Kymm, who turns twenny-four today in Hollywood. Swimming pools, movie stars. Happy birthday also to Lucas, who turns nowhere NEAR twenny-four today, and is probably not old enough to be reading this, and so, no doubt, is not.
Rules: they’re not just for breakfast any more. (That’s a new rule.)
So if We are renewing Our antivirus product, and you don’t explicitly tell Us that We have to manually uninstall the old version before We install the new one, We shall assume (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass) that, like any sensible computer program since, oh, We don’t know, 1997, it will uninstall it its own self. When this assumption renders Us incapable of installing the new version and, further, disables Our keyboard’s ability to function, We will say a whole lot of words which are among the reasons WHY Lucas is not old enough to read this.
Much like the sound of one hand clapping erasers while Helen Keller falls down in the forest sans sound, We realize that no one is listening to Us, but if anyone has any advice on this topic, letter rip.
(You will have noticed that We have managed to revive Our keyboard’s ability to be keyboardish, by using Our computer’s “let’s go back in time” function.)
In other news, after yesterday’s Batman announcement, We had a dream last night about Batman. Yes, THAT kind of dream. Batman was NOT Ben Affleck. Later, We had a similar dream (yes, THAT kind of dream) about a waiter. The waiter was also not Ben Affleck. Guess what? The waiter was better than Batman. And that’s no Joker.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We continue to procrastinate over the script for Our Fringe show. The show in question is, of course, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be totally stalled.)
If you haven’t contributed yet, you should know that there are only five days left!
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In case you were mistakenly feeling young today, River Phoenix died twenty years ago, and would be forty-three today. Also, Barbara Eden is seventy-nine.
Your raw enthusiasm can’t be denied (It also cannot be stir-fried. Because then it wouldn’t be, ya know, raw any more.)
(For he’s a jolly good felLOOOOOW….which nobody can stirfry.)
— and people are much more willing to play along with you now that your energy is peaking! (Okay, does anybody else want Chinese food now, or is it just Us? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
It’s a great time to recruit new people to your team. (Heh, heh, heh.)
There’s a certain enlightening combination of facts, fiction and circumstance that only you are privy to. (The actual phrase is “facts, fiction, and fuckwittery”. The privy has nothing to do with it. Try to keep up.)
That means you’ll be in a power position, (OOOOOOOHHH!!!)
so use it wisely. (We are SO wise, there should be three of Us.)
Keep your cards close to your chest and don’t spill too much information. (See, the actual phrase being “close to your vest”, you might think that Kelli had made (yet another) mistake. (We know, right?) But in this case, it is just her way of letting Us know that the game in question is strip poker. Thus causing Us to mentally conjure the phrase “River Phoenix’s birthday suit”. Which We would imagine is a little wrinkled by now. Eeeeuuuwww!)
(Where’s that waiter?)
Take on as big of a leadership position as you possibly can. (That’s some sort of a euphemism, right?)
You may regret taking a backseat this time. (We can spot a euphemism at five hundred paces.)
(If We can’t find the waiter, maybe We can get Commissioner Gordon to turn on the BatSignal. (In the new fillum, of course, the BatSignal is just Matt Damon mooning out the window.))
(Did We actually just tell that joke? Y’all had better best go buy tickets to Our Fringe show, before there aren’t any left.)
You love being the first to check out new places, and tonight is the best time to try the one that’s getting all the buzz lately. (“Buzz” should really have more Zs in it, no? Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….
Make sure to dress flatteringly, so you can generate a little buzz of your own! (Oh, please, Ducks. The way Our Own Personal birthday suit looks, We shall be wanting to dress flatteningly.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.