Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Good Pie Rupee Tuesday, August 25st, 2015.
Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)), We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well. For instance, We initially started keeping notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at once. This concept quickly fell by the wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).
So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized. What’s more, We shall actually leave off complaining (no, not entirely) and include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by accident).
But first, today’s birthday wishes: Happy Birthday to Althea, and Kai, and Michelle, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Liam, and Phillip, and Ron, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, in Georgia, and Indiana, and New York, respectably. (Well, on second thought, probably NOT respectably. At least, We HOPE not.)
The preceding folks are all Virgos, as We have moved into that sign now. Our Virgo video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with your friends is: https://youtu.be/wkk4fkT9_ZI
Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of Belated Birthdays upon which to comment. In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. Of course, since all of the following hot gentlemen are Leos, there’s still a helluva lot of ‘em:
So, Happy Belated Birthday to Andrew, Anthony, Christian, Dan, Danny, Doug, Dylan, Edgar, Ian, Jason, Jamel, James, Josh, Larry, Luke, Mark, Mike, Nicholas, Ryan, Thom, and Tim.
And, of course, Happy Belated Birthday (in his very own sentence, mind you) to TCBITWWW (The Cutest Boi In The Whole Wide World, for you newbs.)
Before We put paid to the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday above, We have seen exactly ONE of them in his birthday suit.
What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?)
And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! (Are you excited? We’re excited!)
And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! (Are you excited? We’re excited!)
We have had a houseguest over the past week, whom We had not seen since We were both twenty-four. It was just like Celebrity Big Brother, but with less nudity. Now that We are both twenty-four, We enjoyed a very civilized visit. Despite the absence of nudity.
(We just attempted to add ACTUAL bullet points, but Micro$oft Weird™ insists on putting one before “And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! “, which looks really stupid, so We’ve given up.)
The only unfortunate thing about having a houseguest was that his visit exactly overlapped with the run of OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia’s play, Parthenogenesis, which appeared last week in the New York Fringe Festival, and, by all reports, killed. So congratulations, and We are very sorry to have missed it. (We met OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia ten years ago this past spring, and, now that We’re both twenty-four, We should catch up sometime soon.)
In other news, once the sentence, “You’re more into me than I am into you” has been uttered to One, there’s really no turning back, riiight? (Asking for a friend.)
On the plus side, We did see some actual (non-InterNetzian-porn) peen recently. (No, NOT Our houseguest’s. (And no, We weren’t allowed to have any. But still…))
In still other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope. The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state. Go visit somewhere else, fucker.
As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey:
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here:
In celebrity birthday news, there is not much going on today. It is, however, Luka Sulic’s birthday. Who is Luka Sulic, you ask? He is a Croatian cello player. Google up his picture on Wikipedia…We don’t know about you (really, We don’t), but he can come over to Our house and “play Our cello” any time he wants.
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.