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Monday, October 29, 2012

Yes, We have no bananas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMaddeningNaturalDisasterMonday, October 29, 2012.  Happy Bank Holiday to Our Irelandish readers.  And Happy FrankenStorm to Our readers on The Right Coast.  Here at Casa de CrackPot, We are feeling secure and loved, as Comcast has just robo-called Us to warn Us against going out and playing with any downed electrical wires.  They caught Us in the nick of time…We already had Our playclothes on.

Yesterday, We half-assedly hauled half of Our worldly possessions up from Our basement, much as We did just last year.  A proceeding which was every bit as boring as it sounds, except for the part involving the Christmas tree and decorations, which We referred to (yes, We were talking to Ourself…We’re all alone here, with no man man man man manly man on whom to rely; who ELSE are We gonna talk to?) as “saving Christmas”.  Assuming this storm eventually passes, do not be surprised if you come to OurHouseWhereWeLive next weekend and find said Christmas tree up and decorated.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that “assedly” is not a word.  How jack-assedly izzat?)

This just in from Our foreign correspondent in Das Hinterlands, Aileen: “Walmart has no bananas.  They have no bananas today.”

In still other news, We finished Our first draft of the dreaded murder mystery this weekend, completely on schedule and with the approval of those who commissioned it.  More on that story as it develops.

In other up-to-the-minute developments, Our mail just arrived.  Through rain and snow and sleet and hail, indeed!  Our mailman?  (Male mail male mail manly mailman)…was wet.  If you had ever (subjunctively) SEEN Our mailman (Male mail male mail manly mailman), you would know that that is how We always picture him.  Wet, that is.  And with most of his uniform torn away.

Excuse Us for a moment…we require Our smelling salts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening on Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  :

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Winona Ryder’s birthday.  We trust that she is celebrating on The LEFT Coast.  Here is a little music video in her honor:

(You DID know that Winona had a big brown beaver, didn’t you?)

Get in line — or start one!   (We would love to DO one (a line, that is), but who needs to be extra-awake for the next two days?)

You need to push yourself out in the forefront of activity today, and that could mean that you find new ways to show the world how amazing you really are.  (Just wait till the world sees Us play with downed electrical wires!)

 A friend who has been all talk and no action has been getting on your nerves for some time now — it could be time to make a decision about them.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We could seriously use some action.)

You don’t need people in your life who disappoint you over and over again. Have a talk with them today, and find out what’s been behind all of their empty promises. Stop giving them ‘one more chance’ and don’t be afraid to cut them loose from your life. They need you much more than you need them.  (Okay, Number One, how depressing wuzzat?  And B., the likelihood of Us seeing any other people today, except possibly out of Our window as they blow by, is practically nil.  So Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Any awkward social scenes you fear will not materialize, so don’t worry.  (Well, there’s a safe bet.  Because any social scenes AT ALL ain’t gonna materialize till at least Wednesday.)

 You’re not going to hold back, whether it’s an opinion, a compliment or even serious flirtation — or maybe all three rolled up into one awesome package.  (And tied up with a downed-electrical-wire bow.)

Your energy is terrific, so go ahead and make it happen.  (Whatever.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.