Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManischewitz™Monday, November 12, 2012. Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizCathy, who
turned twenty-four yesterday. Also,
Happy Birthday to Our American Some-Sort-Of-Cousin-Several-Times-Removed,
Ethan, who turns not EVEN twenty-four today. Also also, Happy Birthday to The
Lovely Liz, who also also turns twenty-four today.
ERRATUM: It is with Our humblest apologies
that We must report a most egregious error which occurred in Friday’s e-pissode
of Erix Daily Horoscope. It would
appear that Friday was Eric Dane’s birthday, which We reported accurately,
except that, by the end of the e-pissode, he had somehow turned into Eric
Bana. It seems that We cannot tell Our
Erics one from the other, as though they were a lot of Chinamen or
something. We are fairly certain, however,
that between Eric Dane and Eric Bana, One would assuredly NOT be hungry again half
an hour later.
At any rate, Our sincerest apologies to
Messieurs Eric and Eric. Please accept a
free month’s subscription to Erix Daily Horoscope with Our compliments. (We’ll give you a second free month if you
let Us imagine you as MASSEURS Eric and Eric. (That there was a little Frawnch
wordplay. Which is doubly funny to a few
of Us, for reasons which will become clear to the rest of you later this
month.))
(Why are We suddenly channeling that Monty
Python sketch with “my pet fish, Eric”? )
In other news, We finally got one of the
chirren from the student fillum We shot (in August) to give Us an ETA date. January,
sez he. Seriously? Yes, it was a Civil War fillum, but it was
NOT Gone With The Fucking Wind.
(Meanwhile, We would pretty much pay good
money to watch a fillum entitled Gone
With The Fucking Wind.)
In other other news, We spent yesterday
filming (We tried that first as “filluming”, but that sounds like an entirely
different activity) a new e-dition of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes. We cannot wait for you to see
it! (Although We shall have to, as
Sagittarius doesn’t begin for well over a week.) We truly do have the most brilliant
friends. As We remarked yesterday, We
actually hang out with people who know the word “oeuvre”, and know how to use
it. If We weren’t (subjunctively) so old
that all of Our panties say “Ye Olde Tuesday” in Middle English, We would be
dangerously close to hipsterdom.
Dippity-due to said filming (dippity-didn’t
see THAT coming, dippity-didja?), this would seem to be about the
umple-ty-teenth week in a row that We have not read Our Sunday paper on
Sunday. Which more or less trashes its
ability to be a “news”paper. It would be
nice if they would let Us buy only the sections We actually want. Sports?
Not so much. Does anyone
wactually read an entire section on Cars every week? And when’s the last time any of those stupid
Sunday comics were actually funn y? 1974? We could pretty much get by with Arts &
Entertainment, the coupons, and the New York Times Sunday crossword
puzzle. The whole business should cost
about seventeen cents.
Sigh.
If We ruled the world…
(Hey, you kids…get off Our lawn!)
*************************************************************************************
Here is the link with which you would share
Our Time
of the Month Horoscop: Scorpio video with your friends, if you were
(subjunctively) so inclined. Like the
plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .
Enjoy!
Speaking
of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here
is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
(We
would point out that it is Nadia Comaneci’s birthday, but she is no Olga
Korbut, ladies and gentlemen. (That joke
was for Sara. (Hi, Sara!)))
Now
is the best time for you get started in a new direction (Could We get started
in One Direction? There’re five of ‘em,
aren’t there? One for each weekday, and
all together for the weekend.)
(For
Our Olde Readers, One Direction is a British boi band. With British bois in it. Bad dentistry, foreskins…what’s not to love?)
—
especially one that involves contracts or other legal paperwork. (Do We run
ColbyCo now? Yay, Us!)
You
are better suited to understanding details and relationships. (Wow.
That was ten of the most boring sentences ever, all rolled into one.)
It is never too late to get started on a
different path in life. (Well, technically, it is, if you’re, ya know,
DEAD. Because words, Kelli? Have MEANINGS. AssHat.)
If
there’s something that interests you (There isn’t.)
— a
new hobby, a new career, or a new weight goal (You mean We could weigh EVEN
MORE?!?)
—
you should pursue it. (pursue (v.t.): to put into One’s purse.)
Don’t
let your age, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)
income,
(Our what?)
or
current status in life restrict you. (Are there statuses (stati?) other than
quo? Is there such a thing as status
interruptus? If Latin is a dead
language, should We give it mouth-to-mouth?)
(It
is pondering things like these that makes it impossible to keep Our toilet bowl
clean between scrubbings.)
Every
day offers a new opportunity, (And its knockers.)
a
new set of choices to make — and this day is no different. (Than what?)
You’re
comfortable with your dating arrangements, but are you really satisfied? (Well,
they DO take an awfully long time to inflate.)
Take
a long, hard look at the situation. (We did not watch that show. So We just Googled him on Wikipedia. Where’s the mental floss?)
Rearrange
the facts (Whaddaya think We are, a Republicant?)
when
it comes to your romantic patterns and you might just have a fresh insight.
(Now that We re-read it, is it just Us, or does that last sentence sound like
the tagline from a commercial for feminine hygiene spray?)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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