Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManischewitz™Monday, November 12, 2012. Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizCathy, who turned twenty-four yesterday. Also, Happy Birthday to Our American Some-Sort-Of-Cousin-Several-Times-Removed, Ethan, who turns not EVEN twenty-four today. Also also, Happy Birthday to The Lovely Liz, who also also turns twenty-four today.
ERRATUM: It is with Our humblest apologies that We must report a most egregious error which occurred in Friday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope. It would appear that Friday was Eric Dane’s birthday, which We reported accurately, except that, by the end of the e-pissode, he had somehow turned into Eric Bana. It seems that We cannot tell Our Erics one from the other, as though they were a lot of Chinamen or something. We are fairly certain, however, that between Eric Dane and Eric Bana, One would assuredly NOT be hungry again half an hour later.
At any rate, Our sincerest apologies to Messieurs Eric and Eric. Please accept a free month’s subscription to Erix Daily Horoscope with Our compliments. (We’ll give you a second free month if you let Us imagine you as MASSEURS Eric and Eric. (That there was a little Frawnch wordplay. Which is doubly funny to a few of Us, for reasons which will become clear to the rest of you later this month.))
(Why are We suddenly channeling that Monty Python sketch with “my pet fish, Eric”? )
In other news, We finally got one of the chirren from the student fillum We shot (in August) to give Us an ETA date. January, sez he. Seriously? Yes, it was a Civil War fillum, but it was NOT Gone With The Fucking Wind.
(Meanwhile, We would pretty much pay good money to watch a fillum entitled Gone With The Fucking Wind.)
In other other news, We spent yesterday filming (We tried that first as “filluming”, but that sounds like an entirely different activity) a new e-dition of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes. We cannot wait for you to see it! (Although We shall have to, as Sagittarius doesn’t begin for well over a week.) We truly do have the most brilliant friends. As We remarked yesterday, We actually hang out with people who know the word “oeuvre”, and know how to use it. If We weren’t (subjunctively) so old that all of Our panties say “Ye Olde Tuesday” in Middle English, We would be dangerously close to hipsterdom.
Dippity-due to said filming (dippity-didn’t see THAT coming, dippity-didja?), this would seem to be about the umple-ty-teenth week in a row that We have not read Our Sunday paper on Sunday. Which more or less trashes its ability to be a “news”paper. It would be nice if they would let Us buy only the sections We actually want. Sports? Not so much. Does anyone wactually read an entire section on Cars every week? And when’s the last time any of those stupid Sunday comics were actually funn y? 1974? We could pretty much get by with Arts & Entertainment, the coupons, and the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle. The whole business should cost about seventeen cents.
Sigh. If We ruled the world…
(Hey, you kids…get off Our lawn!)
Here is the link with which you would share Our Time of the Month Horoscop: Scorpio video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg . Enjoy!
Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s the HorrorScope:
(We would point out that it is Nadia Comaneci’s birthday, but she is no Olga Korbut, ladies and gentlemen. (That joke was for Sara. (Hi, Sara!)))
Now is the best time for you get started in a new direction (Could We get started in One Direction? There’re five of ‘em, aren’t there? One for each weekday, and all together for the weekend.)
(For Our Olde Readers, One Direction is a British boi band. With British bois in it. Bad dentistry, foreskins…what’s not to love?)
— especially one that involves contracts or other legal paperwork. (Do We run ColbyCo now? Yay, Us!)
You are better suited to understanding details and relationships. (Wow. That was ten of the most boring sentences ever, all rolled into one.)
It is never too late to get started on a different path in life. (Well, technically, it is, if you’re, ya know, DEAD. Because words, Kelli? Have MEANINGS. AssHat.)
If there’s something that interests you (There isn’t.)
— a new hobby, a new career, or a new weight goal (You mean We could weigh EVEN MORE?!?)
— you should pursue it. (pursue (v.t.): to put into One’s purse.)
Don’t let your age, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)
income, (Our what?)
or current status in life restrict you. (Are there statuses (stati?) other than quo? Is there such a thing as status interruptus? If Latin is a dead language, should We give it mouth-to-mouth?)
(It is pondering things like these that makes it impossible to keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings.)
Every day offers a new opportunity, (And its knockers.)
a new set of choices to make — and this day is no different. (Than what?)
You’re comfortable with your dating arrangements, but are you really satisfied? (Well, they DO take an awfully long time to inflate.)
Take a long, hard look at the situation. (We did not watch that show. So We just Googled him on Wikipedia. Where’s the mental floss?)
Rearrange the facts (Whaddaya think We are, a Republicant?)
when it comes to your romantic patterns and you might just have a fresh insight. (Now that We re-read it, is it just Us, or does that last sentence sound like the tagline from a commercial for feminine hygiene spray?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.