Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for OhWhatABeautifulHumpDay, November 7, 2012. Happy Hump Day to all, and to all a good night! And what a good night it was! And how lovely to wake up in the morning and know that Barack Obama is still Our President. Especially after the even-up-to-the-last-minute disgraceful display of unpreparedness to be even so much as President of the PTA by the other guy, what’s-his-name, Matt Ramjet or whatever. “Didn’t have a concession speech prepared”, indeed. Get the fuck off the stage, and take your winged monkey with you.
We are in such a good mood, even the incoming weather cannot ruin it. Despite the fact that it has already cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery script, and the fact that We still have to go out in it anyway to attend a focus group and collect a check. And the fact that We were finally forced to turn Our heat on yesterday.
“Good mood” is an odd phrase (especially around here). But We were speaking phonetically odd, in that it looks as though it should rhyme. But whichever way you try to make it dippity do so, you sound like an idiot. Go ahead and try it; We’ll wait.
As you can see, We got absolutely nothin’. Perhaps We shall become inspired if We go choose an Erix Daily Horosocpe Pixture Dippity Du Jour Au Jus To Wong Foo Thank Yoo Joolie Noo, and/or find out what celebrities are having birthdays today…
Or perhaps not. Marie Curie, Billy Graham, Leon Trotsky…not exactly a laff riot. So, to compensate, We give you a pixture of Ashton Kutcher in bondage. You’re welcome.
Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg . Enjoy!
Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Things are really heating up (As We said, We put the heat on. Try to keep up.)
— maybe in a romantic way, maybe in relation to some other aspect of your life. (There are rules about getting romantic with your relations. Are you drunk?)
See if you can get the right people to support you (Miss May Denform…The Human Brassiere!)
as you push things even further. (Push, push, Laura Bush.)
(Where THAT came from, We haven’t got any idea.)
When a friend or loved one gets in a bind, it is only natural that your will feel protective of them and want to defend them. (These are not the feelings that are inspired in Us by Ashton Kutcher in bondage. Just sayin’.)
But before you leap in front of them and do your best impression of a mother bear protecting her cubs, (Why would anyone dippity do an impression of that? That’s not funny.)
stop and wait for them to ask you to help them. (Who’s gonna ask you for help if you’re dippity doing a mother bear impression? This horoscope is stupid.)
Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)
they won’t. (Dippity didn’t see THAT comin’, dippity didja?)
You cannot take responsibility for other people, (Are you kidding Us, gurrrlll? We can’t even take responsibility for Our Own Self.)
no matter how much you think they need your help. (Help! and The Help are two different fillums. Discuss.)
Let them fight their own battles and learn from their own mistakes. (‘Cause you gotta maaaake your own kind of music…sing your own special so-ong…)
(We felt it was time for a little musical interlude.)
(Also, if you take “special” in that lyric in the “special ed/short bus” sense, and sing it that way, it’s funnier. (Although it dippity does sound more like “Ting your own thpecial to-ong””.))
Performing a feat of daring (How is a feat of daring different from a feat of derring-do? And how is THAT different from splitting the difference and putting Dippity-Do™ on your feet?)
(If you know Us at all, you know that We just had to go find out if they still make Dippity-Do™. Guess what? They dipppity DO! They have their own website and everything! In honor of this revelation, We just re-edited the preceding so that every occurrence of a form of the verb “to do” is now “to dippity do”. Ta-da! (Or, rather, “ta-dippity-da!”))
in the realm of romance (How close is that to the bedroom of bondage?)
not only feels exhilarating, (Which sounds EXHAUSTING.)
it can work out pretty terrifically right about now. (So, wait…if “horrifically” would be “in a horrifying manner”, then wouldn’t “terrifically”…?)
Go ahead and make your biggest, boldest move. (As the folks at Nike™ would say, “Just Dipppity Do It!”)
You’re on fire! (And yet, not a one of You People will come pee on Us.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.