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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday’s Eve, November 29, 2012.  Friday’s Eve is, of course, not unlike Summer’s Eve™, except for the douche part.  (We have no idea what that means, but it enabled Us to say “douche” in the very first paragraph, thereby ensuring that this will be a first-class e-pissode.)


So how weird is it that Thanksgiving was a week ago, yet it is still November? This is because Thanksgiving this year was on the earliest date that it can be, thereby giving everyone an entire extra week to prepare for HannuChristmaKwaanzica.  We Our Own Self Personally have been busy like a busy busy beaver bee trying to sort out Our social calendar for December, so if you think you need to be on there somewhere, speak now or forever hold your penis.


“Douche” in the first paragraph, “penis” in the second…this e-pissode just gets betterer and betterer.  Also, meta-er and meta-er.


Speaking of the holidays, we were doing some online shopping yesterday, when a glitch in the process necessitated Our contacting customer service via chat.  The rep with whom We chatted subsequently sent Us an email, in which his last name was spelled differently than it was in the chat room.  We are guessing that the recipient of this particular Christmas gift is, as they say, Shit Out Of Luck.


Meanwhile, We continue to get a crazy quantity of daily hits on here, many of which are legitimate, but many more of which are in search of that  e-pissode with the “fat man” picture.  Some of them actually search for it as “really fat man”.  One can only imagine who these people are.  One can completely NOT imagine the people searching for “people who talk trash in Douglas GA” or “cartoon pictures of egestion”.  (We are not making this shit up…Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us these things.)


This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:
 
Just finished reading a roll of Bounty paper towel. Looking for a new book, suggestions?

I bet my parents never even sang me happy birthday... assholes.

Becoming a school bus driver, YOLO.

You cannot possibly have missed the fact that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share said video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


)

We just had occasion to peruse an old e-pisstle, in which We invented the drag name Meretricious Calumny.  How it is that We are not famous yet, We’ll never know.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Andrew McCarthy’s birthday.  He was Our favorite Brat Pack member.  While the rest of all y’all were crushing on Rob Lowe and Judd Nelson, We were all about Andrew McCarthy and Timothy Hutton. ‘Cause We’re weird like that.

Your social energy is fun and flirty (Also foreign and farty.  In keeping with the Frawnch theme in here this week.  Farting Foie Gras…A Love Story.)

(The more We talk, the less We have any goddamn idea what We’re talking about.  It’s kind of miraculous, actually.)

— and you may surprise (SURPRISE!!!)

someone who thought they had you pegged!  (You are using this word, “pegged”…We do not think it means what you think it means.)

Now is a great time to hang out with your crush or a new romantic partner.  (Lovely.  Who’s got Andrew McCarthy’s phone number?)

If your finances are getting a bit tight, your creativity can come to the rescue!  (Watch Us do Our “loaves and fishes” trick with these two nickels!)

Instead of falling back to your old, expensive ideas for how to socialize, why not get a little crafty? (Watch Us tat a doily!)

Skip the pricey dinner out and instead host a themed potluck dinner for all your friends. (Watch Us entertain frequently, yet be infrequently entertained!)

Pick a type of cuisine, (Ethiopian.)

 a type of food (Haggis.)

or even a certain color (Puce.)

for everyone to create a dish around. (Hey, We said foreign and farty.)

 It will definitely be a change of pace (Puce.)

for everyone, and they’ll all appreciate a cheaper way to hang out.  (Haggis.)

 Watch out for the romantic roadblock ahead! (Ethiopian!)

(Is it just Us, or did this all of a sudden turn into a really weird version of The Cell-Block Tango?)

(The musical theatre queens are all hysterical right now.  The str8 bois are all scratching their heads.  (Count to twenty-one.  Sext Us a picture.))



It’s there for a good reason — perhaps a steep drop (Or a deep strop.  Or Deepak Chopra.)

(We have no idea.)

or some other danger lies ahead. (Is it stranger danger?  Can you show Us on the blow-up doll where Andrew McCarthy touched you?)

Try a detour!  (A tour or DE tour?  Make up your mind!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.