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Friday, November 9, 2012

Sensitivity, sensitivity, I’m just loaded with that

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 9st, 2012.  Happy birthday to Keith, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in The City That LovesYou (On Your ) Back.  Happy birthday also to his birthday suit.  And Happy Birthday In Advance Harem Pants Vivian Vance to OurMizLOretta, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.  And And Sally Rand Salivary Gland, Happy Birthday In Advance Paris France Judith Krantz to Our MizCathy, who turns twenty-four on Sunday.  Which also happens to be Veterans Day.  Which is fitting, as, around here, We are certainly all veterans at turning twenty-four.

How many of you are now pixturing Keith’s birthday suit?  And you don’t even know who he is.  Perverts.

There was in-dippity-deed a great deal of Tourettes syndrome going on in that first paragraph, was there not?  It’s a good thing none of it was fucking vulgar.
(If you dippity-don’t know what “dippity” is dippity-doing in that sentence, then you have been nakedly skimming this week, and shame on you.  (Hopefully, you’ve been dippity-doing it in your own birthday suit, and not Keith’s, because that would seem to be a whole Silence of the Lambs issue…))

(Random aside:  people are actually NAMED “Otto”?)

In other news, having quoted Once Upon A Mattress earlier in the week, We had one of Our long, involved, epic dreams last night in which We were directing that show.  Many of Our gentlemen friends were in it, and were being driven to distraction by either the musical director or the choreographer (or possibly both), who was a real bastard (or possibly two bastards). We won’t bore you with the entire tale, except to say that, if Our brain had a USB port, We could keep several cable networks in material 24/7/365.

The key thing to know, in case you happen to be having commitment papers drawn up for Us, is that, at one point, We were, for some reason, shopping for a striped shirt so We could dress up as a referee. Our search having proved fruitless, We went home to Our closet where We found a striped shirt that We had bought in a dream the night before.

(Insert Rod Serling’s penis playing the Twilight Zone theme on the zither here.)


Meanwhile, here is Our Once Upon A Mattress joke:

“We Have An Opening For A Princess”…shouldn’t that be the other way around?

(Wait for it…THERE ya go.  (Speaking of fruitless, is there anything LESS fruitless than a musical theatre joke?))

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Eric Dane’s birthday.  Apparently, We do not watch enough television. (In unrelated news, how proud of Us are you for doing whole paragraphs on Once Upon A Mattress without a single Sarah Jessica Parker joke?)

Try not to rush too hard today — things need to come and go on their own. (So, wait…if We speak sternly to the dustbunnies, will they just leave?)

(We always think it’s so cute how Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to recognize “dustbunnies” as a word. As if they DON’T spy on OurHouseWhereWeLive through this computer…)

 You should be able to deal with it all, even if you have to wait a bit in between flurries of activity. (No flurries today, Bay-Bee!  50s today, 60s tomorrow!  (Chilly today, hot tamale!  (Who said that?)))

Sometimes you have to let go.  (Other times, you have to clench.)


If you can’t see the finish line in the near distance, don’t get frustrated — turn around!  (Don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.)

(That just came (heh) to Us.  Pretty good, no?)

There you will see it, miles behind you. (So what you’re saying is, We already crossed the finish line, but We are still running, because nobody TOLD Us We already crossed the finish line?  Way to have no friends, Us.)

You have been going at such a furious clip for so long, than you may very well have eclipsed your original goal.  (Does anyone else find the use of “clip” and “eclipsed” in that sentence odd?)

(That should be “Dippity-does anyone…”  Also, Our brilliant new saying from earlier should be “Dippity- don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.”)

(You folks who are pixturing Keith’s tanlines now really need to quit…We dippity-done TOLE you, you dippity-don’t know who he is.)

(Oh, sure, Micro$oft Weird™…now “tanlines” isn’t a word.  Have you SEEN Keith’s birthday suit?)

You could just keep going on to the next milestone, but the stars say it’s time for you take a break. (But which stars exactly?  Eric Bana?  Sarah Jessica Parker?  Vivian Vance? Judith Krantz?)

Stop this forward momentum for a while and just enjoy where you are in life — it’s a heck of a nice place!  (And it has the fluffiest dustbunnies!)

Why give into your usual mundane activities when you can inject some excitement into your life? (Just by sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit.)

Reject the norm (Who is this “Norm”, and why are We rejecting him?)

and do something totally different you’ve always wanted to try. (How about success?  Or did We mention sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit?)

Be adventurous in dating, loving and living.  (Unfortunately, all of Our dating is carbon-dating. And the only way We have a love-life is in the tennis sense.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.