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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I’m almost through my memoirs, and I’m here



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToonzDay, November 27, 2012.  It is Jaleel White’s birthday.  If the weather isn’t enough to make you want to go back to bed, that certainly should be.


There is some comedy to be mined out of a dissertation on black people named White, and white people named Black, but We are too tired to mine it.  So We’re just going to say “Karen Black” and be done with it.  Because cross-eyed people are funny.


Speaking of the weather, We are informed that it is snowing in suburbia and the hinterlands.  Here it is only raining, clearly as part of The Universe’s efforts to impede Our progress with Our daily errands.  It being, as you must by now be well aware, All. About. Us.


This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz: Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.


A Google search on Wikipedia just confirmed that We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz who CALLS them the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  A fact which will get Us absolutely nowhere.  Much like all the other facts.  Sigh.


Meanwhile, We mentioned yesterday that We are following Helen Keller on Twitter.  Many of you no doubt thought We were joking, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Here are a few more tweets from the little minx:


Roses are black, Violets are black.

So Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights fasting and praying in the wilderness... Sounds like that time my parents made me walk home from school

Slept with this guy and he hasn't called me since! What an asshole! Or at least I'm pretty sure he hasn't called. I have no fucking clue.


Speaking of birthdays and the attendant ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations),  We trust it will have by now come to your attention that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, here is the link with which YOU will share it with all your friends.  (Especially the French-speaking ones.):

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


)
And here’s the HorrorScope:

Your head is in the right place to go over your finances (Why this sentence should be conjuring the phrase “up your ass” is a mystery to Us.)

— especially if you have been dreading it or putting it off for a while. (Dreading and putting off are two of Our specialties.  Virtually Olympic events.  The shot putting off and the other joke that We can’t think of.)

(Is it just Us, or is this very self-referential in here today? (Speaking of self referential, for those who enjoy puzzles, here is the famous Self Referential Aptitude Test : http://faculty.uml.edu/jpropp/srat-Q.txt   You’re welcome.))

You should find that things aren’t as bad as they seem, and easy to control.  (True dat.  Control-top pantyhose can control just about anything.  Or anyone.  Especially if you wrap them around their neck and choke them till they are dead.)

There have been some positive changes in your earning ability, (Indeed.  Just yesterday, We found a penny in the gutter.)

and your pocketbook should be feeling a nice sigh of relief right about now. (Oh, lord.  If Our purse is gonna start talking to Us, there’re gonna be problems.)

Just make sure that you stay ahead of the curve!  (We need to get ahead of a coupla things…We gots stuff to do today.)

Now is not the time to spend all your money just because having some to spend is such a nice sensation.  (Thanks for clearing that up.)

Stick to your budget and whatever savings accrue will seemingly come from out of nowhere! (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

 And then, in a little bit of time you will have a nice big chunk to blow on something impressive.  (Insert “blow chunks” joke here.)

Put your social agenda in order and handle of any romantic follow-ups in the morning, when your energy puts you in a sweet embrace.  (What the hell language was that sentence even in?)

Your energy later on is best suited to work and career efforts. (Then you career from career to career.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.