Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SayerDee, December 1th, 2012. Happy Birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today. In York. Not NEW York, mind you. And not the one in Jolly Olde Britland, neither. Which would, presumably, be Old York. What’s in between Old York and New York? Day Old York. DAY Old, Day-ay-ay Old…with a York-York here, and a York-York there, here a York, there a York…
(We have four other people to wish Happy Birthday to…this may take a while.)
(One wonders, at this juncture, which York the Peppermint Patties™ come from? Because, mmmm….Peppermint Patties™.)
Moving on…Happy Birthday also to Louie, who also turns twenty-four today. Mercifully not anywhere that will cause Us to sing Day-O for no apparent reason. Also Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today also. Also too, Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today also too. Also too, Happy Birthday also in addition to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today also too. In addition.
(We used some copy-paste to create that last paragraph. We sure hope it was seamless, and transparent to Our Gentle Readers.)
So what the hell are We doing putting out an e-pisstle on the weekend, you must be wondering. Your first clue would have been this paragraph yesterday:
“Astute non-naked-skimmer readers may notice that today’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope is thirty-seven percent less funny than Our usual level of side-splitting hilarity. For example, We mentioned Scotland in the preceding paragraph, and didn’t make a single “what’s-under-the-kilt” joke. This is due to the fact that We just yesterday learned that We shall be required to be funny in two further e-pisstles this weekend, for reasons which shall be made clear to you in A Very Special E-pissode Of Blossom…er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, coming (heh) soon to a computer near you. And We didn’t want to shoot Our entire wad early, as it (subjunctively) were.”
Well, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We have joined up with something called Holidailies, (which see: http://www.holidailies.org/ ), wherein We pledge Our solemn troth (doesn’t that sound painful?) to publish an e-pissode of Our blog every day of December. And, while We are certainly sure that We shall falter in Our resolve some weekend later in the month, We certainly didn’t intend to fuck up directly out of the starting gate, as it (subjunctively) were, and bring The Holidaily Police to Our door with a warrant. (Ordinarily, a phrase like “The Holidaily Police” would have spawned a joke about The Tyne Daly Police, and (naturally) a Cagney and Lacey reference, but today, We intend to press on. Like Lee™ Press-On Nails.)
So, to continue. We would wish you Happy World AIDS Day, but “Happy World AIDS Day” isn’t exactly something polite people would say. And We are NOTHING if not polite fucking people. Also, you will notice that there is all kinds of art up above on what is supposed to be A Day Without Art. Our justification for that is that the hordes of new Erix Daily Horoscope readers who come from Holidailies would have no idea that there is usually art up there if there (subjunctively) weren’t any, so to them, it wouldn’t be A Day Without Art it would just be A Day, and that’s just stupid.
This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking):
I've been told I'm a senseless drunk.
That awkward moment when you're trying to avoid eye contact with someone, but have no idea where not to look.
Real friends don’t let you spend 20 minutes trying to read a basketball.
Another reason We are attempting not to squander Our funny is that We will be writing a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video this weekend, to be shot next week. Our most recent effort, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”. So stay tuned next month to see how We side-step attempting to top that.
(Of COURSE We are a top. Who can possibly have been telling you otherwise?)
Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:
http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!
Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe. (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one. KThxBye.)
(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh. Our. God. (We started to say “OMG”, then realized that, in The Royal We, it needed to be “OOG”, and We suspected We might confuse the newbs.) It is Bette Midler’s birthday, and We don’t have a thing to wear! Not only that, but somehow this is the first time We have ever realized that Bette Midler and Charlene Tilton have the same birthday! (And, quite possibly, the same breastusses.))
You need to take a few steps backward today (In THESE shoes?!?)
— but it’s all in the service of your eventual big push forward! (Is it just Us, or does it sound like Kelli’s doing a really bad job of explaining the Hokey-Pokey?)
Sometimes you’re just better off taking a break or heading back home to regroup. (If you live alone, regrouping can be complicated.)
If you are feeling especially sensitive or emotional right now, (Why would you say a thing like that? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR ABUSE!)
(Heh. See what We did there? (Oh, please. Helen Keller saw what We did there. And mimed it for Ray Charles.))
don’t fight it. (“It” being, naturally, da funk.)
Don’t worry if you are having some vague or inexplicable sad feelings. (Or if your life is suddenly a French New Wave film.)
You are human, (You and We, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals.)
and it’s important to experience and process all your feelings — both the positive ’it’s going to be a great day’ feelings and the negative ‘I don’t want to get out of bed’ feelings. (Well, if We’re going to “process” those feelings (like “cheese food”, presumably) let’s just put them all together into one big feeling: “it’s going to be a great day because I don’t want to get out of bed”. Now as soon as Johnny Depp gets here, We’ll be all set.)
If the whirl of dating is making you feel drained, there’s a problem. (The first problem being phrases like “the whirl of dating”.)
You need a time-out. (There’s a chair for that.)
Retire to your nest with lots of good books, comedy DVDs and the phone for long, heartfelt conversations with old pals. (That sounds like multitasking. Which sounds like Work, which starts with “W”, and that rhymes with…well, “W” doesn’t actually rhyme with anything…well, “trouble you”…)
(Could We trouble you for some Grey Poupon™?...)
(Before We get sucked into the Vortex of Vulgarity and start telling scat jokes…We’re OUTTIE!!!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.