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Monday, December 3, 2012

Someone’s knocking at the door, someone’s ringing the bell

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMadCowMonday, December 3th, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Harriet, who turns twenty-four today on The Left Coast. And Happy Birthday to playwrights Del Shores and Nicky Silver, who, We just learned, share a twenty-fourth birthday today as well. This fact will stand you in good stead when they finally come out with that theatre queens’ e-dition of Trivial Pursuit™.

And who doesn’t want to be stood in good stead?  Four out of five dentists recommend being stood in good stead for their patients who stand steads.

You would have thought We’d have shot Our wad, what with e-pisstling all weekend to comply with the Tyne Daly clause of Holidailies™, but apparently walking Our wad was just the workout it needed.

(We shall pause here whilst you count up the inordinate number of Ws in that sentence.)

We chanced to glance (at the lance that’s in your pants (sorry)) back a few paragraphs and noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ objects to the plural “steads” as not-a-word. Now, if We send someone to a party in Our stead, and you send someone to the same party in YOUR stead, those two someones would be being sent in two different (hence plural) steads, no?

Now Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to the plural “someones”.  We give up.

Someone on SitOnOurFaceBook just invited Us to play Farmville 2.  Someone, We might add, who has actually MET Us.  Seriously?

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.  (We just this minute noticed, however, that she doesn’t follow anyone back.  HAH!)): 

#ThingsMyExSaid I think we should see other people.

On Wednesdays we pretend we know what 'pink' is.

Here is the link with which you can share Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friend:

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Ozzy Osbourne’s birthday! And, just in case you’re not feeling quite old enough, Brian Bonsall, who played Michael J. Fox’s little brother on Family Ties, turns thirty-one today.

You’re welcome.

You can be incredibly productive today — just as long as you are willing to commit. (Oh, great.  Who’s trying to have Us committed NOW?)

(Probably no one.  They’d have to be paying attention.)

 The good news is that your people should have your back even if you decide to do something that feels a bit rash.  (How very dermatological.)

Building something would be very useful for you to do right now. (Forts are Our forte.)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

It could even strengthen your relationships!  (Plural?  Really?  Ya know, not ALL of Our multiple personalities get along.)

Even if you don’t know how to use a hammer (If We had (subjunctively) a hammer, We’d hammer in the morning.  If We were (subjunctively)  a carpenter, and you were (subjunctively)  a lady, We’d get hammered in the evening.  If We were (subjunctively)  a rich man, diedel deedle dreidel Betty Grable Norman Mailer Tums™.)

(Don’t mock Us!  We have Tourette’s Syndrome.  Just not the funny kind.)

and couldn’t tell a nail from a snail, (Jigga what?)

you still can and should create something today. (Oh?  You don’t think We should mime Our entire next video?  You think there should be an actual script?  How avant garde!  (That’s French for…something.))

Do you like to cook? (We can bring home the bacon…fry it up in a pan…)

Make a meal for a close friend or your sweetie. (We thought they were trying to have Us committed.)

Got a killer music collection? (Many people do.  Far fewer people have a killer whale.  Odd, no?)

Burn a mix (Then bust a move.)

for a friend who’s got a long commute. (Is that a commute in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

You have a lot to give, (Was that a fat joke?)

and that generosity can take many different forms.  (For example, herpes.)

(We kill Us.)

Stop obsessing about an old love or that perfect date. (We don’t give a fig about the perfect date.)

It may take a while, (Much like waiting for that last joke to land.)

(Who said, “WHAT joke?”)

but you need to examine the root causes of this compulsion. (So, essentially, We are compelled to examine what causes Our compulsion?  We see.)

Once you do, the energy and space you open up will create room for real love.  (And won’t THAT just be the pussy’s pajamas?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.