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Friday, December 7, 2012

Pearl’s a singer…she stands up while she plays the piano

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, December 07, 2012.  Happy Pearl Necklace Day…a date that will swim in Enfamil™. (Not exactly Our Own Personal prerequisite for a date, but hey…whatever floats your U-boat.) Happy Birthday to Nadia, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, but who is not Nadia. (We only point out his not-Nadia-ness because “not Nadia” is Our fun-with-words Phrase Of The Day Du Jour Au Jus No Muss No Fuss Leave The Driving To Us, much like yesterday’s “Honolulululululululululu”.)

Before We begin today’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians…

(Okay, as many times as We’ve said that, THIS time We were given to wonder, where the fuck is Ephesia?  So We went a-Googling on Wikipedia, and damned if We were unable to find any such thing.  A fabrication in The Bible?!?  Say it ain’t so!  (Turns out, it ain’t.  Although the people were called Ephesians (except by those with aphasia) the city’s name was Ephesus, which rhymes with Jesus, and which stands for pool.  Jesus, Jesus, Bo-Besus, Banana-Fana-Fo-Fesus, Fee-Fi-Mo-Mesus, JESUS!)

Not Nadia.  You’re welcome.)

…We have a public service announcement.  During last year’s Fringe Festival, We dragged Our tired, battered old body from a matinee performance of Our Own one-bitch epic over to plunk its ginormous ass down in one of the few remaining seats for the last performance of Tribe of Fools’ Heavy Metal Dance Fag, and boy, were We glad We did.  This show was sexy, and smart, and funny, and sweaty (in a good way), and Our biggest regret was that We couldn’t recommend it to anyone, because the performance We saw was the last one.

Until now.

They are bringing it back, for two nights only, next Friday and Saturday the 14th and 15th, at the Annenberg (fercrissakes), which means you’re much less likely to be sweated upon.  (Which is the only drawback, if you’re into that.)  So getcher tickets NOW, because they will be going like hot cakes (or, more accurately, hot buns, but you didn’t hear that from Us, because that would be crass).

Heh.  “Hot crass buns”.  We kill Us.

Here is where you would get said tickets: 

You’re welcome.  AGAIN.

In other news, it will amuse Our Sistah Ovella, as well as possibly some of the rest of you, that We were asked if that were (subjunctively) We doing the narration in Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video (which see above).  We, oui, oui, all the way non.  (That was a little Frawnch joke.  (Very little. (It was also, We feel compelled to point out, not Nadia.)))  And, if you do everything The Voices tell you to do like We do, you will use the following link to share it with your friends:

We had a dream that We were making soup, and it boiled over so badly that We couldn’t get to the dial to turn the burner down.  Which bodes really well for the dinner We’re making this evening.  (Fortunately, there will be no soup.)

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Now you're just somebody that I used to smell.

That awkward moment when I get asked out on a blind date.

Me against Anne Frank in hide and seek is just unfair.

Okay, does it GET any better than that?  Helen Keller and Anne Frank in the same joke?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is C. Thomas Howell’s birthday today. A fact that We share with you to enable Us to say:  C. Thomas Howell.  C. Thomas Howell run.


Let go of your own goals and plans today — but just for now. (Really?  So dinner is gonna cook its own self?)

You need to step up and help someone in need, possibly a kid or someone else who hasn’t been around as long as you have.  (Age jokes now?  The fat jokes weren’t enough?)

  It’s go time in every sense of the word for you, (We’ve already gone several times this morning, thank you.)

(That was for the age joke.  Bitch.)

because your mental concentration abilities (Sorry…what did you say?)

 and your physical endurance are both at an all time high. (The higher We get, the more We can endure.)

Today is a very good time to initiate any business projects — even if starting things up just entails mulling things over.  (Oh, we are a champion muller.  In fact, We venture to say, We may well be Lina Wert-muller.)

(What?  Not Nadia.)

It’s also a good time to review any legal documents that need your attention.  (Somebody get the Ephesians on the phone, will ya?)

You will be able to pinpoint problem areas right away, and you’ll be able to think up effective solutions quickly.  (And yet, We have no riposte.)

 Whoa, there (Did somebody say “Nellie”?)

— you’re ready to rush into something, but the key now is to slow down and get more information — including the clues from your own heart.  (Well, let Us just get it out of the drawer and have it dusted for  prints.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.