Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeToozDay, December 4, 2012. Happy
Birthday to Our Sistah Ovella, who turns twenty-four today. (It occurs to Us this morning, for the very
first time, actually, that mayhaps We should stop revealing people’s ages in
these e-pisstles. What if, for example,
you are actually acquainted with Our Sistah Ovella, and you wish her a happy
birthday. Whereupon she, in a sudden fit
of coy, says, “Guess how old I am.” If
you blurt out “Twenty-four!”, it will be just as though you had peed in her coy
pond.)
That was a long way to go for that coy pond
joke. The things We do for YouPeople.
We have been perusing the avalanche of
entries over at Holidailies™ (http://www.holidailies.org/
). Holidailies™, in case you have been
nakedly skimming, is a portal/porthole/piehole where a gaggle/bevy/murder of
bloggers all commit to posting daily blog entries for the entire month of
December. Said entries are listed in the
order in which they were posted, accompanied by a short excerpt or
summary. For which, quite frankly, Thank
Gawd, because said excerpts or summaries have allowed Us and Our short
attention span to pick and choose, as We could not possibly read every
contribution.
Turns out, these Holidaily™ people? Write Things That Have A Point. Which would, at first blush, seem to make Us
a whore of another color. Long-time Eric’s
Daily Horoscope readers, however, will recall that We DO have an overall point,
which is to make YouPeople feel better (or, sometimes, saner) by
comparison. You’re welcome.
We wrote the preceding paragraph specifically
to be Our excerpt for today. We are
especially proud because said excerpt has to be sixty or fewer words, and We
came in under without having to edit at all. (This entire experience is getting
way too meta for Us. Is One still
writing if One is writing about writing? If Helen Keller falls down in a
forest, is there sound?)
Speaking of segues (what’s a segue? About a pound and a half.), this just in from
Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks
for asking.):
I would totally go to
bed right now if I could find it.
Late for school again,
my damn alarm clock never goes off!
That awkward moment in
math class when they tell you to find X. I can't even find my shoes.
But back to that “making YouPeople feel
better by comparison” thing. Some people
no doubt have dreams in which Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss (Go ahead, Google ‘em;
tell ‘em Starzina sent you) wrestle naked in vats of butterscotch pudding. We, on the other hand, last night had a dream
about Chinese opera. Oh, and there were
frogs in it. We’re not making this
up. You’re welcome. AGAIN.
All of which serves to explain (okay, maybe
there’s not a clear point, but at least there’s a (tenuous) thread) why We were
awake at the crack of ass. Which is a
good thing, because, once We’ve banged out (heh) this e-pisstle, We must
prepare for Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video shoot. Which, not to be spoiler-y or anything,
promises to be not unlike It’s A
Wonderful Life meets Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians by way of The
Greatest Story Ever Told. Of course, it doesn’t promise to be anything LIKE
that, either. You pays your money and
you takes your chances.
Here
is the link with which you can share Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video with your friend:
(We would like to point out at this juncture that, in reviewing
yesterday’s e-pissode, We found and corrected two typos. The singular “friend” in the preceding, however,
is not a typo; it is a reference to your lack of sharing Our video. We see
YouPeople all the time, wishing each other a happy birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook,
and not attaching Our video. However
shall We achieve world domination if We have no loyal minions? Or filet minions…mmmm, steak. (What were We talking about?))
(Apropos
of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for
your comparing pleasure:
)
And here’s the HorrorScope:
(WHHHAAAAATTTT??? Not only Our Sistah Ovella’s birthday, but
also Wink Martindale’s?!? What time is
the parade?)
You need a little extra excitement in your
life — and here it comes! (You’ll shoot your eye out! You’ll shoot your eye out!)
(See, that joke right there is operating on
several levels, all at the same time. Do
not attempt this at home.)
You may find that you get an amazing message
in your inbox, (Or an amazing chapeau in your hatbox. Or an amazing poop in your litterbox. One of those.)
or you may be asked out on a date. (Not any
date soon, naturally.)
It could be anything, so get ready. (Well, now that you’ve narrowed it down.)
Acting your age won’t feel like much fun
today (Then We shall act Our shoe size.)
— the kids and toddlers in your life are
having a blast, so why can’t you? (Toddlers getting blasted….what is the world
coming to?)
Asking these questions will lead you to a
realization that you can do whatever you want to do! (Um, Kelli?
You’ve only asked one question so far.)
Take this attitude with you wherever you go
today. (What attitude, Bitch?)
You don’t always have to be willing to grow
up in order to be in charge. (This is very true. Peter Pan was, after all, the leader of the Lost
Boys. We could be the leader of some
Lost Boys. And by “Lost”, of course, We
mean “Found”. And by “Boys”, of course,
We mean “Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss”.)
The world could use some of your un-adult
ideas, (Sorry, but when We say “Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss”, We are NOT
having “un-adult ideas”.)
so lead by example and have some fun. (That
entire running joke would have been much funnier if anybody had any idea who
Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss were. Once
again, making YouPeople feel better by comparison. You’re welcome. SOME MORE.)
Laughter is a great way to get you
noticed. (As is spontaneous combustion.
No, really. Go out to lunch and spontaneously combust. People will talk. Hell, you might wind up on the news. If you burn slowly, anyway.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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