Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, December 14, 2012. Is it just Us, or has there been a real dearth of birthdays on Earth of late? Even on SitOnOurFaceBook, none of Our 900+ nearest and dearest friends seem to have been being born this week. Sure, there was that one day with four or five birthdays, but other than that, nada. What’s an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) to do?
In other news, We were afforded a sneak-peek at Our upcoming Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video, which was shot at the Time of the Month Horoscope holiday party. While it is not French New Wave, We think you will enjoy it when it appears. Here, meanwhile, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video (which IS French New Wave…because We are just that autistic..er, artistic) with your friends. Thanks to OurMizCatherine for doing exactly that the other day.:
Warm kisses on your opening to the folks over at Heavy Metal Dance Fag. Here is where to get tickets, which, We are told, are inexplicably still available:
And now, ladies and gerbils, direct from the tweet factory at Twatter, she’s Helen! She’s deaf, dumb, and blind! (You all got that that was Our Ed Sullivan impression, yes?)
The grass is greener on the other side? What the hell is green, and where is the other side?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I --- Awkward.
I really like this boy at school but he keeps playing hard to find.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Nostradamus’s birthday. But then you knew that already.
Your rep is in dispute today, (Also, Our house is in ill-repute.)
and you may need to step back a little from your planned activities in order to correct the record. (Oh, please. We have already corrected the record. Now, We are rewinding the eight-track tape.)
Things are sure to get a little wild, (Which would seem to be an excellent time to conjure a mental image of Kevin Bacon’s bacon at the end of Wild Things.)
but you need to make sure people know the truth! (You can’t handle the truth!)
Someone thinks something about you that just isn’t true, (Oh, Kelli. Your prognostimacations are always about the laser-beam pin-point accuracy, aren’t they? AssHat.)
and as soon as you find out about it today you need to help them see the truth. (Alternatively, We could help them see To Tell the Truth.)
Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a big ol’ dicksmoker.)
(Heh. Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
just making the effort to talk to this person and answer their questions should be enough to clarify any confusion they had about who you are or what you are about. (If One clarifies confusion, it wouldn’t be confusion any more, would it? We’re confused. Please clarify. (We are torn between a riff about clarifying butter, and an Aunt Clara-fy joke. So We’re choosing neither.))
(That there was one of Our infamous behind-the-scenes looks at the inner workings of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Fascinating, no?)
Being responsive is all it really takes to gain their confidence. (How can We be responsive, when We were never sponsive in the first place?)
An unusual setting, a peculiar circumstance or a dark horse amid the crowd is likely to emerge today, freeing up your mind and your heart. (A horse? Seriously?)
The stars favor traveling in new circles, (Traveling in circles is a description of going nowhere, yes?)
so latch on to this blossoming possibility (We were going to say that “Blossoming Possibility” was Our nickname in high school, but then We remembered that it was actually “A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossoming Possibility”.)
and go with it. (Remind Us what “it” is again?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.