Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, December 14, 2012. Is it just Us, or has there been a real
dearth of birthdays on Earth of late?
Even on SitOnOurFaceBook, none of Our 900+ nearest and dearest friends
seem to have been being born this week.
Sure, there was that one day with four or five birthdays, but other than
that, nada. What’s an Ass(tromalogical)
Ho(roscopulist) to do?
In other news, We were afforded a sneak-peek
at Our upcoming Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video, which was shot at the Time of the Month
Horoscope holiday party. While it is not
French New Wave, We think you will enjoy it when it appears. Here, meanwhile,
is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video (which IS French New Wave…because
We are just that autistic..er, artistic) with your friends. Thanks to OurMizCatherine for doing exactly
that the other day.:
Warm kisses on your opening to the folks over
at Heavy
Metal Dance Fag. Here is where
to get tickets, which, We are told, are inexplicably still available:
And now, ladies and gerbils, direct from the
tweet factory at Twatter, she’s Helen!
She’s deaf, dumb, and blind! (You all got that that was Our Ed Sullivan
impression, yes?)
The grass is greener
on the other side? What the hell is green, and where is the other side?
Are you from
Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I --- Awkward.
I really like this boy
at school but he keeps playing hard to find.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Nostradamus’s birthday. But then you knew that already.
Your rep is in dispute today, (Also, Our
house is in ill-repute.)
and you may need to step back a little from
your planned activities in order to correct the record. (Oh, please.
We have already corrected the record.
Now, We are rewinding the eight-track tape.)
Things are sure to get a little wild, (Which
would seem to be an excellent time to conjure a mental image of Kevin Bacon’s
bacon at the end of Wild Things.)
but you need to make sure people know the
truth! (You can’t handle the truth!)
Someone thinks something about you that just
isn’t true, (Oh, Kelli. Your
prognostimacations are always about the laser-beam pin-point accuracy, aren’t
they? AssHat.)
and as soon as you find out about it today
you need to help them see the truth. (Alternatively, We could help them see To Tell the Truth.)
Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a big ol’
dicksmoker.)
(Heh.
Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
just making the effort to talk to this person
and answer their questions should be enough to clarify any confusion they had
about who you are or what you are about. (If One clarifies confusion, it wouldn’t be
confusion any more, would it? We’re
confused. Please clarify. (We are torn
between a riff about clarifying butter, and an Aunt Clara-fy joke. So We’re choosing neither.))
(That there was one of Our infamous
behind-the-scenes looks at the inner workings of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Fascinating, no?)
Being responsive is all it really takes to
gain their confidence. (How can We be
responsive, when We were never sponsive in the first place?)
An unusual setting, a peculiar circumstance
or a dark horse amid the crowd is likely to emerge today, freeing up your mind
and your heart. (A horse? Seriously?)
The stars favor traveling in new circles, (Traveling
in circles is a description of going nowhere, yes?)
so latch on to this blossoming possibility
(We were going to say that “Blossoming Possibility” was Our nickname in high
school, but then We remembered that it was actually “A Very Special E-Pissode
Of Blossoming Possibility”.)
and go
with it. (Remind Us what “it” is again?)
(You’re
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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