Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SunDay SunDay SunDay FunDay FunDay FunDay, December 9, 2012. We are drinking tea as though it were (subjunctively) Our job, because it is…well, Our job. Which is making Us cranky, as We really want coffee. Although We are completely over-caffeinated.
We are still presenting An Encore Presentation E-pissode today, as We have plenty of other things to do with Our over-caffeinated self. (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We actually had some idea what We were really talking about.)
Must it rain Every? Damn? Day?
In other news, Happy Birthdays to Domenick, who turns twenty-four today. Also, Happy Birthday to Summer, who also turns twenty-four today. Now THERE’S a co-inky-dink.
Here, in case you missed it the past two days, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:
Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
I never saw the humor in blind jokes.
I hate how my parents punish me by putting the plunger in the toilet without telling me.
And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with Us as We revisit The Day After Pearl Harbor Day 2010:
Greetings, Erogenous Rezoning Includes Cuticles---
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 08, 2010 (Oh, my dears! Didja miss Us? (Who let all those crickets in here?) We were in The Sunshine State, celebrating the anniversary of the nativity of Our Siamese twin sister, Miss Ovella Parsons-Wilkes, who turned twenty-four this past weekend. We know it will come as a surprise to some of all y’all that Ovella is Our SIAMESE twin sister, separated at birth, what with Our Own Personal nativity anniversary taking place in April, but what can We say? Our Mama was a trouper. Speaking of Mamas, Happy Feast of the Immaculate Contraption to all you fans of Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod out there in Erix Daily HoroscopeLand. Also, Happy Belated Clutch Your Pearls Harder Day. And, last but not yeast infection, Happy Hump Day.):
(While We were sunning Ourselves and sipping umbrella drinks, Our boarder departed from OurHouseWhereWeLive. Yes, indeed, ladies and gerbils, much like some war widow in the Great Depression played in a black and white fillum by Thelma Ritter, this past July We took in a boarder to Help Make Ends Meet. Of course, looking back on it, We realize We should have been more specific about exactly which ends We were talking about. On the other hand, she wore a glove. And on the other other hand, We spent five months with a half-nekkid str8 boi lounging about the place (and collected rent in the bargain), so We are hardly complaining. (We just re-read this paragraph and realized that it sounds as though We are saying that he departed unbeknownst to Us, which is not at all the case. Although We are not going back to rewrite it. Deal and cope.))
Don’t doubt yourself today (Thomas.)
— that way lies madness. (The other way lies mattress. Fortunately, it’s not March, or there could be a March Madness Mattress sale, and then where would We be? Probably watching Mannix, Matlock, and Magnum on Our Magnavox. (What were We talking about again?))
You could end up down the rabbit hole, (Which would certainly make for one happy rabbit. Also, eeeuuuwww.)
when you really ought to be taking care of business in a new way. (Honey, trust Us. If We’re in some rabbit’s hole, We are certainly “taking care of business” in “a new way”.)
Believe in yourself and get ahead! (That’s what the rabbit said! (Of course, that was right AFTER he said, “Shut your hole, Honey, mine’s makin’ money”, but who’s counting?))
Your memories can be wonderful, (Mammaries…light the corners of my mind…)
heartwarming notions that tie you to the people you love, (Misty water-colored mammaries…)
and they maintain a valuable tie to a past that helped create the person you are today. (Of the way We were (albeit NOT subjunctively).)
But memories, (May be beautiful and yet…what’s too painful for the rabbit can be relaxed into if you buy him another cocktail…hmmm…We seem to have strayed from Our Barbra Streisand tribute back into bunnyfu(king. Do the bunnyfu(k…fu(k, fu(k, fu(k.)
when held onto too literally or wistfully, (Not to be confused with either lateral wisteria or liberal hysteria.)
(Can you tell that We’re a little out of practice?)
can also be paralyzing forces in your life. (Buttcha ARE in that chair, Blanche! (“Buttcha”, naturally, requires the extra T, because if it were (this time subjunctively) spelled “butcha”, you would want to pronounce it as “butch-ah” (like a butcher from Brooklyn). (Somehow, that rule never quite caught on like “I before E except after C”. Who knows why?)))
Take a long mental walk (Didja know that “Walk Like An Egyptian” was originally written as “Walk Like A Mental Patient”? (Didja know that We occasionally make up totally random facts to see if You’re paying attention? (We have no idea why We just capitalized “You’re”. The Royal You? We don’t think so.)))
down memory lane (Penny Lane? Wisteria Lane? Lois Lane? Lois Lane’s rabbit hole? We got nothin’.)
and pinpoint some remembrances you need to forget. (We shall make a mental note to remember to forget. (Speaking of that way lies madness…))
Don’t let the rosy haze of nostalgia (We thought We smelled something.)
lead you to believe something that isn’t true. (Um, no. Because We are not a Republican.)
If you feel you’re in too deep, (It’s a rabbit’s hole; how deep can it be?)
lighten up and let it breathe. (Okay, now this is just getting disgusting.)
On the other hand, maybe it’s time to go in deep. (We’re just gonna let all y’all put your own joke here.)
(Here endeth the blast from the past. (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.) We now return to Our regularly scheduled program, already in progress. Stay tuned tomorrow for a brand spanking (heh) new e-pissode of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! (Whaddaya think…the exclamation points? Too much?))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.