Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SunDay SunDay
SunDay FunDay FunDay FunDay, December 9, 2012.
We are drinking tea as though it were (subjunctively) Our job, because it
is…well, Our job. Which is making Us
cranky, as We really want coffee.
Although We are completely over-caffeinated.
We are still presenting An Encore
Presentation E-pissode today, as We have plenty of other things to do with Our
over-caffeinated self. (Did that sound
dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty
to Us, and We actually had some idea what We were really talking about.)
Must it rain Every? Damn?
Day?
Here, in case you missed it the past two days,
is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:
Here, in case you’ve missed it every day
since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with
your friends:
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on
Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
I never saw the humor
in blind jokes.
I hate how my parents punish me by
putting the plunger in the toilet without telling me.
And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with
Us as We revisit The Day After Pearl Harbor Day 2010:
Greetings, Erogenous Rezoning Includes Cuticles---
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, December 08, 2010 (Oh, my dears! Didja miss Us? (Who
let all those crickets in here?) We were in The Sunshine State,
celebrating the anniversary of the nativity of Our Siamese twin sister, Miss
Ovella Parsons-Wilkes, who turned twenty-four this past weekend. We
know it will come as a surprise to some of all y’all that Ovella is Our SIAMESE
twin sister, separated at birth, what with Our Own Personal nativity
anniversary taking place in April, but what can We say? Our
Mama was a trouper. Speaking of Mamas, Happy Feast of the Immaculate
Contraption to all you fans of Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod out there in Erix Daily
HoroscopeLand. Also, Happy Belated Clutch Your Pearls Harder
Day. And, last but not yeast infection, Happy Hump Day.):
(While We were sunning
Ourselves and sipping umbrella drinks, Our boarder departed from
OurHouseWhereWeLive. Yes, indeed, ladies and gerbils, much like some
war widow in the Great Depression played in a black and white fillum by Thelma
Ritter, this past July We took in a boarder to Help Make Ends Meet. Of
course, looking back on it, We realize We should have been more specific about
exactly which ends We were talking about. On the other hand, she
wore a glove. And on the other other hand, We spent five months with
a half-nekkid str8 boi lounging about the place (and collected rent in the
bargain), so We are hardly complaining. (We just re-read this
paragraph and realized that it sounds as though We are saying that he departed
unbeknownst to Us, which is not at all the case. Although We are not going
back to rewrite it. Deal and cope.))
(Our-O-Scopes:)
Don’t doubt yourself
today (Thomas.)
— that way lies
madness. (The other way lies mattress. Fortunately, it’s not March, or
there could be a March Madness Mattress sale, and then where would We be? Probably
watching Mannix, Matlock, and Magnum on Our Magnavox. (What were We
talking about again?))
You could end up down
the rabbit hole, (Which would certainly make for one happy rabbit. Also,
eeeuuuwww.)
when you really ought
to be taking care of business in a new way. (Honey, trust Us. If
We’re in some rabbit’s hole, We are certainly “taking care of business” in “a
new way”.)
Believe in yourself
and get ahead! (That’s what the rabbit said! (Of course, that
was right AFTER he said, “Shut your hole, Honey, mine’s makin’ money”, but
who’s counting?))
Your memories
can be wonderful, (Mammaries…light the corners of my mind…)
heartwarming notions
that tie you to the people you love, (Misty water-colored mammaries…)
and they maintain a
valuable tie to a past that helped create the person you are today. (Of the way
We were (albeit NOT subjunctively).)
But memories, (May be
beautiful and yet…what’s too painful for the rabbit can be relaxed into if you
buy him another cocktail…hmmm…We seem to have strayed from Our Barbra Streisand
tribute back into bunnyfu(king. Do the bunnyfu(k…fu(k, fu(k, fu(k.)
when held onto too
literally or wistfully, (Not to be confused with either lateral wisteria or
liberal hysteria.)
(Can you tell that
We’re a little out of practice?)
can also be
paralyzing forces in your life. (Buttcha ARE in that chair, Blanche! (“Buttcha”,
naturally, requires the extra T, because if it were (this time subjunctively)
spelled “butcha”, you would want to pronounce it as “butch-ah” (like a butcher
from Brooklyn). (Somehow, that rule never quite caught on like “I
before E except after C”. Who knows why?)))
Take a long mental
walk (Didja know that “Walk Like An Egyptian” was originally written as “Walk
Like A Mental Patient”? (Didja know that We occasionally make up
totally random facts to see if You’re paying attention? (We have no idea why We
just capitalized “You’re”. The Royal You? We don’t think
so.)))
down memory lane
(Penny Lane? Wisteria Lane? Lois Lane? Lois Lane’s
rabbit hole? We got nothin’.)
and pinpoint some
remembrances you need to forget. (We shall make a mental note to remember to
forget. (Speaking of that way lies madness…))
Don’t let the
rosy haze of nostalgia (We thought We smelled something.)
lead you to
believe something that isn’t true. (Um, no. Because We
are not a Republican.)
If you feel
you’re in too deep, (It’s a rabbit’s hole; how deep can it be?)
lighten up and let it breathe. (Okay, now this is just getting disgusting.)
On the other hand,
maybe it’s time to go in deep. (We’re just gonna let all y’all put your own
joke here.)
(Here
endeth the blast from the past. (Hey,
they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.)
We now return to Our regularly scheduled program, already in progress. Stay tuned tomorrow for a brand spanking
(heh) new e-pissode of Eric’s! Daily!
Horoscope! (Whaddaya think…the
exclamation points? Too much?))
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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