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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Ain’t it a bitch?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, December 06, 2012. Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattania. Also, Happy Birthday to Frank, who also turns twenty-four today, but NOT in Manhattania.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Matt, who also also turns twenty-four today.  In Honolulu.  Hawaii, don’t’cha know.

“Honolulu” is one of those words that’s fun to type.  Like “banana”.  Because sometimes you forget to stop. Bananananananana.  Honolululululululululu.

We are easily amused.

Our heat came on as We sat down to begin writing this, which clued Us in that it’s not as warm out today as it’s been.  (We suspect, for example, that Matt’s heat in Honolululululululu did NOT come on this morning.)  This would be completely unremarkable, except for the fact that, as the heat ran, the candles on Our dining room table began to vibrate uncontrollably and Would. Not. Stop.  Leading Us to believe that mayhaps OurHouseWhereWeLive is being haunted by The Ghost Of Christmas Panties.

More on that story as it develops.

We had Our focus group yesterday afternoon, which, blessedly, turned out to be only an hour and a half instead of two hours.  Which meant it was still light when We left, which enabled Us to squeeze in some shopping.  We stopped at the post office to obtain stamps with which to send Our Christmas cards, only to be informed that “We don’t have any Christmas stamps”.  Oh, really?  When do you think you MIGHT have them?  Valentine’s Day?  Jeebus.

Meanwhile, in Our dreams, yet another two epic sagas.  (Singular “saga” is much like Honolululululululu.  “Sagagagagaga”.  (Insert Lady Gagagagagagaga joke here.  (This “Honolululululululu” joke just doesn’t get old, duzzit?  (Shaddup.))) ) Why We don’t have a development deal with HBO or Showtime, We haven’t got any idea.

At any rate, in the first dream, We were directing the Sordid Lives sequel.  Which does not, of course, exist, but since when would that stop Us?  All of the ladies of the coven were present  and accounted for, as well as MizGerreGarrett, who was sporting exceedingly large hair,  Our Sistah Ovella, and The Sainted Mother, who was, We think, playing the role of the woman who appears in the bar scene in the movie, but isn’t in the original play’s script.

The play began with a monologue by OurMizDonna, and everything went brilliantly all through the first act. Then everything went to hell in a handbag, as We learned that act two was supposed to begin with a monologue by Us Our Own Self Personally, which we had neither ever read nor memorized.  Although We had Our script in Our very hand, We could not find the page on which said monologue began, and no one would tell Us.

Fortunately, nature called and woke Us up.

In Our next dream, We were in Our grandmother’s house, with various random members of Our extended family present, when We got it into Our head that We needed to bake cookies.  Why this would be necessary, We haven’t got any idea, as We do not recall there ever being a time at Our grandmother’s house when cookies were not already present.    And Our grandmother was in fact In Da House, albeit with her hair and makeup done as they might have been when she was a young woman, and wearing two different shoes.

As anyone who bakes cookies knows, the first thing you want to do is, obviously, unwrap about ten pounds of butter and clutch them to your chest while beginning to look for a mixing bowl.  Being unable to look Our Own Self (ten pounds of butter is SLIPPERY), We enlisted the aid of others, who impeded Our progress by bringing Us containers that were too small (teacups, cereal bowls) or inappropriate (purses, picnic baskets).

We were screaming “a fucking mixing bowl!!!” at some random child when a trash truck woke Us up.

Diagnoses are welcome.  We might even give you one of Our two nickels.

Please share Our video with others:

Speaking of videos, it occurs to Us that, as We have a new audience from , We ought perhaps to resurrect Jesus.  As it (subjunctively) were:

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Heard any good jokes lately? Yeah me neither..

Got cut from the football team. Apparently "blind side" isn't what I thought it meant...

Did I mention how I've seen the same amount of NHL games as everyone else this year?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Agnes Moorehead’s Birthday, everybody!

You should take better care of yourself  (If We could “ take care of Ourself”, We’d never leave the house.)

— though that’s hardly unique!  (What the hell does that mean?  How would that be unique?)

You do have uniquely focused energy today, though, (Too bad the focus group was yesterday.)

so you should be able to follow through on even the loftiest of health goals!  (Two sentences in a row ending with exclamation points?  Take a chill pill, Kelli.)

It’s the squeaky wheel that usually gets all the oil, (But what does Squeaky Fromme get?)

so if you are in need of some attention today, you’ll have to speak up loudly, early and often!  (Another exclamation point?  Seriously?)

The usual agitators in your group won’t be making much noise right now, (See ya later, agitator.  After while, Vera Miles.)


so the coast should be clear for you to take center stage for a while. (If not, We shall call up the coast guard.)

You might have to guard this attention soon, though (Heh.  Kelli said “guard” right after We did.)

— your window of opportunity will be closing by the end of the day. (Fortunately, Our skylight of impropriety will be wide open.)

So speak up now or forever hold your peace. 

(What?  We were holding Our peace.)

Any applicants for a position in your heart are getting extra scrutiny now.  (Also, it’s Double Coupon Day.)

Sure, it’s a good idea to give that resume a close look and to check references, if possible, but be sure to give them a fair chance too. (Mais oui give them a fair shake instead?)


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.