Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, December 17, 2012. Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today. Charlie directed Us in Arthur Miller’s Creussical: The Musical Back In The Day. “Back In The Day” being ten years ago next year. Next year being approximately five minutes from now. Clearly, Charlie was a child prodigy, directing such a piece at age fourteen. Of course, We Our Own Self Personally were only fourteen at the time, as well. If We recall correctly, Our character had a fourteen-year-old daughter. What a strange show that was.
Other than that little tiptoe-through-theatrical-history’s-tulips, We have precious little to report. Our activities of late seem to be mostly Christmas-related; they consist, for the most part, of Making Our List, Checking It Twice, then Stuffing It In The Credenza And Watching Television. Christmas, it would seem, will come whether We are prepared or not, and who can get in the mood to go Christmas shopping when all it ever does is rain?
Meanwhile, on the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) front, there are but a few more days left in Sagittarius, which means The Shortest Day Of The Year is almost upon Us. (Some of Us have already experienced The Shortest Attention-Span Day Of The…oh, look! A balloon!) Here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends. If you did that sort of thing. Which you don’t.
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:
What's black and blue and red all over? Me at the bottom of the stairs.
They should have me be the quarterback for the Eagles.
I can't find anything to wear for school tomorrow.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
As far as celebrity birthdays go, it is the birthday of a whole bunch of “celebrities” of whom no one has ever heard. And George Lindsey. Charlie will no doubt be thrilled to learn that he shares his birthday with Goober from The Andy Griffith Show.
You are feeling the urge (The urge to merge. It’s like “the need for speed”, only dirtier.)
to try something new — and soon! (As soon as noon?)
(We? Are Dr. Seuss for grownups, We are.)
Your energy is tightly wound and you may find that you need to cut loose, (Whereupon Kevin Bacon will do a little dance number.)
so try to find some new activity that can let you shake things up. (Aaaaaand right away We give you a “shaking Kevin’s bacon” joke.)
You might have a lot of false starts today, (To say nothing of salsa farts. (No, really….say NOTHING.))
despite the fact that you were smart enough to think ahead and plan ahead. (All this head We’re planning, and how much ya wanna bet We don’t get any?)
Your concentration just isn’t strong now, (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Every so often We like to make it so even Helen Keller can see what We did there. Because We’re kind to the differently-abled like that.)
and it won’t be able to carry you through. (Oh, please. They don’t make a forklift that could “carry Us through”. You know that old conundrum about could God make a rock so heavy that He couldn’t lift it? Substitute Our ass for the rock, and he already has.)
But that’s okay — you won’t get frustrated (Sez you.)
by not being able to get a toehold on the day. (Why would We be wasting Our time trying to grab it by the toe? (If he hollers, let him go.))
In fact, you’ll actually enjoy the diversions and distractions that the day brings. (Much like that balloon from earlier. (And here, you thought We weren’t paying attention.))
So if your day doesn’t go the way you want it to, don’t sweat it. (Feel free, however, to drool it, slobber it, or queef it.)
No one cares about it, so why should you? (How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?)
(No, really…how many?)
(Wait for it…)
(How the hell can you screw, in a light bulb?)
Your much-vaunted (Vaunted, you say?)
enthusiasm is a gift, (‘Tis a gift to be simple, ‘tis a gift to have fleas.)
but at this time you’re able to see where and when you can best conserve your romantic efforts. (“Conserve your romantic efforts”? What the fuck is this, a fucking Victorian romance novel? Jesus fuck!)
After all, not every date can be a keeper. (And, oddly enough, even fewer of them can be beekeepers. Although bookkeepers are fairly common.)
You should save some time for yourself. (Considering We’ve just finished this and it’s not even 10:30 yet, We appear to have done just that.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.