Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMagicMikeMonday, December 10, 2012. Happy Human Rights Day to everyone who operates under the delusion that they have rights.
Okay, We’re not going to beat around the bush. (There is, as far as We know, no such thing as a bushbeater. (Micro$oft Weird™, you will be happy to know, agrees with Us.) There is, however, such a thing as a bushwhacker. (Again with Micro$oft Weird™’s Seal of Approval.) So shouldn’t the saying be, “We’re not going to whack around the bush”?)
But We digress.
(Gawd, the comedy is suBtle in here this morning. (Meanwhile, apropos of absolutely nothing, We just started following Kirstie Alley on Twitter.))
But to return to Our point, We are not going to Whack-A-Mole around your guacamole bush. (Nor shall We be jerkin’ your gherkin, at least until Our fee is discussed. (Oooops…We digressed again.))
Lettuce start over: today marks the 666th post of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! (We’re trying out the exclamation points as of yesterday…We’re still not sure if they’re too much or not.) here in Bloggonia. (This does not, of course, count the thousands of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! emails that began in 2001 (Do We like the exclamation points better when it all looks like one word? Who knows?)), the first few years of which are lost to antiquity. (Or in antiquity…We’re never sure how that goes. Because, seriously, how often does One say such a thing?))
The good news is that, other than the bits We ordinarily copy over from day to day, this is going to be an entirely original post. Although We do trust that all Our newbs from Holidailies™ have enjoyed the Blasts-From-The-Past of the past two days. (And who doesn’t enjoy a good Pearl Harbor Day celebration?)
The bad news is that said original post has started out like this, and shows no signs of improving any time soon.
But plunging valiantly forward, speaking of Magic Mike, We watched said fillum yesterday. Well, all except for ten minutes or so in the middle when We dozed off. We were, to be charitable, considerably underwhelmed. There is something about trying desperately to be sexy that makes people decidedly less sexy. Also, sorry, People magazine, but there are sexier men in the universe than Channing Tatum. Also also, is it just Us, or does Matthew McConaughey always look like he smells bad, and not in a good way? Also also also, Hollyweird could have saved a lot of money by sticking Cher on the set and shooting Burlesque at the exact same time.
In still other news, The Great Tea Drinking Challenge continues. Day Two. On the plus side, it is clearly not decaffeinated. On the minus side, it is clearly not coffee. Sigh.
Here, in case you missed it the past two days, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:
Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
Hey did you guys know I have a dog? Yeah, me neither...
Just shaved my legs. Off to the emergency room!!
It is That’s So Raven Symone’s birthday today. Also, just in case you got up on the right side of the bed and were feeling spry and chipper and all, Susan Dey of The Partridge Family fame? Turns sixty today.
You can’t help but feel a little subdued today (Also, suBtle. Don’t forget Our suBtlety. Or We shall bash your fuckin’ head in with it.)
— it’s in your soul! (Hey, this is e-pissode 666…We done sold that shit on the eBay a while back.)
Sometimes even you need to rest and recharge your batteries, (Ever since We mixed up Our vibrator and our defibrillator….)
so take some time off and let yourself find peace and quiet. (Maybe We should go over to Helen Keller’s house.)
You’re going to be dealing with some fragile egos today, (Also, some Fritos™ and frijoles.)
which could end up being quite tiresome for you. (Insert fart joke here.)
But in the end, taking extra time and effort to make these insecure people feel comfortable and important will be much easier than having to deal with their tantrums should their paranoia get the better of them. (Kill ‘em all and let Satan sort ‘em out.)
Everyone’s emotions can be fragile now and then, (So the fuck what? Why should We care?)
including yours. (Sob!)
Try to remember that when you’re paying your tenth compliment of the hour. (Oh, please. We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)
Set up your upcoming romantic or social schedule this morning, when plans are inclined to go your way. (Who the hell has a romantic or social schedule in the MORNING? It’s broad daylight, fercrissakes! (Although it is, once again, some more, raining.))
By this afternoon, any agenda you attempt to carry out may be blocked by some strange energy. (Our plans have already been thwarted once…DO NOT fuck with Us again.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.