Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, December 5, 2012. Happy Birthday to Katie, who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are apparently turning tricks.
We shot the Capricorn/Christmas e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope yesterday as planned. While it is not so much a departure as Our recent French New Wave effort, We guarantee you will never look at a rum ball the same way again.
Speaking of Our recent French New Wave effort, that is Eet above, and if you haven’t watched it yet, pourquoi? Also, please to Cher it with your friends, Cherie Lewis, using zis linque: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y
Apropos l’above (and you can relax now; We have used up all ze Frawnch We know), it is brought to Our attention from time to time that We really know a good number of amazingly talented and creative people. And that We don’t get to spend nearly enough time with them. And that, if We got them all focused on the same thing, We could rock the world. Or, alternatively, knock it off its axis and send it spiraling into the sun.
(Is it just Us, or does that sound like an artsy-fartsy version of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow? Mais oui call it “Mrs. O’Leary’s lemur”? Oui mais.)
In other news, We are exhausted this morning, possibly from the fact that We had not one, but TWO epic saga dreams last night. In the first, the Evil Acquiring Company which used to employ Us had been converted into a concentration camp, where they didn’t so much kill people, but instead, drove them mad. Why We needed an entire dream to play out what is basically their Annual Report, We haven’t got any idea. Mercifully, We are old, and needed to pee, which put an end to that nonsense.
Next, We had a very lovely dream in which We visited Salem, and saw Our friends who live there (and a number of friends who don’t, but, hey…better than Auschwitz). We stayed in a hotel that doesn’t exist, and saw attractions that aren’t there. We also rented a bicycle, although We don’t seem to remember riding it. If riding a bicycle is like riding a bicycle, and you never forget it, how did We forget that? We were just about to extend Our stay by a day when We realized We should call the non-existent hotel, but We couldn’t remember Our room number.
Then We woke up.
Today’s efforts will include a number of Christmas-related errands (We cannot recall ever being so ill-prepared) and a focus group in the afternoon, which is supposed to be two hours long, and good luck on keeping Us focused.
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
I lost my dog! $50 Reward. He responds to 'agajwuubaaab'.
Hahaha apparently my dog died 2 years ago, I've just been feeding an empty bowl this whole time.
Just found out dog biscuits aren't that bad.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In other news, We think it’s Werner Heisenberg’s birthday, but We’re not certain.
(Okay, physics jokes, people…just shoot Us now.)
You should push yourself a little harder and see if you can get more exercise than usual today — your body craves action! (True dat, Boo.)
It may be as simple as taking the stairs (Taking them where?)
or as complex as joining a new gym. (Jim who?)
Although the weather outside may be frightful, (The Chicago Fire is so delightful.)
(“Mrs. O’Leary’s lemur”. Heh. We kill Us.)
getting some physical exercise would be oh-so-delightful! (Watching other people get some physical exercise would be okay, too.)
There is nothing better than huffing and puffing to put a smile on your face. (Okay, We’re gonna wait here while you re-read that sentence. Slowly. Three times. )
(Now insert your own joke here. (Why should We do all the work?))
It’s time to do whatever it takes to get your heart pumping and cheeks rosy — dancing, jogging, walking, or roller skating! (Rumbaing, Roomba™ing, rumballing…)
Grab a friend or two, (How rude!)
and you’re sure to have much more fun. (Than what?)
Tag football or a pick-up game of basketball will help you feel like a winner. (Or a wiener.)
Make that a healthy winner! (Or a healthy wiener.)
This person seems absolutely right for you in so many ways. (Mmm-hmm. He’s Orville, Wilbur, AND Frank Lloyd. That’s why everything’s going so swimmingly.)
Not so fast! (Oh, please. If We go any slower, it’ll be backwards.)
It’s time to look beyond the attractive surface — is there really any substance there, or are you being fooled by the shiny facade? (We would have no problem sitting on somebody’s shiny façade.)
(Heh. Micro$oft Weird™ automatically put that funny Frawnch squiggle thing on the C in “façade”. Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.