Greetings, Enterprising Rancher Inbreeds Cockatoos---
(Meanwhile, what the h3ll kind of word is “cockatoo”? Who decides these things? And what happens if you cross a cockatoo with a cockaroach? Do you get knocked all cock-a-hoop? (Meanwhile meanwhile, in Our continuing efforts to edify yo’ effing @sses, We were researching the origins of “cock-a-hoop” when We discovered that there is apparently a dog called a “cockapoo”. Herewith is the beginning of its Wikipedia entry: “A cockapoo (sometimes called a spoodle, cockerpoo, or cockadoodle) is…” Really, Wikipedia? All that before breakfast? Clearly, Cap’n Crunch is calling in sick.))
(In other news, We trust you all had lovely Fourth of July. (How stupid is it to call a holiday “the Fourth of July” when it runs from the 2nd of July through the 5th of July? (And, for the most part, people didn’t…most folks We encountered said “Happy Holiday!” Thereby taking the wind out of the sails of the conspiracy theorists who think saying “Happy Holidays!” in December is some communist plot to take the Christ out of Christmas, because there ain’t no “Christ” in the Fourth of July. (We will pause here to allow the wingnuts to wind up a theory about taking the Depends™ out of Independence Day. Because clearly, those people will say anything. Hence, talk radio.))))
(Speaking of Christmas, all y’all who are complaining about the heat can just think back to how much We’d’ve all appreciated a hundred degrees after We’d had sixty-two kabillion and eleventy-twelve feet of snow dumped on Our asses.)
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, July 06, 2010:
(But first, here’s this, which is totally UNsafe for work:
)
(Our Our-O-Scope)
Never let it be said that adrenaline is not a drug. (Also, never let it be said that “Sweet Adeline” is not a barbershop quartet song.)
(No, as a matter of fact, We DON’T have any idea what the fu(k We’re talking about. What’s it to ya?)
It is -- and it's potent. (Which is, of course, the opposite of impotent. And the third cousin twice removed of “Now is the winter of Our disco tent.” Although We’re not quite sure what a “disco tent” is.)
You're about to discover that fact under most delightful circumstances. (We’re pretty sure that, whatever the h3ll happens today, “delightful” ain’t gonna enter into it.)
Heaven help whoever you choose to accompany you along this brief but exhausting journey -- especially if they're not in tiptop shape. (Who cares? As long as they have shipshape titz. (We put that in there for Our str8 boi readers. On the off chance that, if We keep throwing them a bone from time to time, they will eventually throw Us one. (Obviously, that is one off off chance. That chance is SO off, it’s like green meat with shiny purple parts.)))
When the subject of 'baggage' inevitably comes up, don't look away. (Indeed not. Because that’s exactly when all your inbred cockatoos will come home to roost.)
Explain that one good experience can erase it all, and you just might have a case. (A SUITcase. (Heh…get it? Baggage….suitcase. (Oh, shut up.)))
First, get out your toolbelt. (What are We, a l3sbian? (Didja hear the one about the Polish l3sbian? She liked men.))
Fasten it tightly about your waist. (Strap it on, you say?)
Feel the power? (Feel the PowerTool? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Jeff Stryker.))
Good. (Golly Miss Molly.)
Now decide what to repair, restore or demolish, in that order. (Well, first We’ll have to figger out what got paired, stored, or molished in the first place.)
You're brimming over with a very valuable commodity at the moment. (Do tell.)
It's called 'executive ability,' (And here We thought it was gas.)
and if you play your cards right, you can make it last. (We have always been confident in Our ability to come in last. @sshat.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
I’m a cowgrass, you’re a cowgrass, he’s a cowgrass, she’s a cowgrass…wouldn’t you like to be a cockatoo?)
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