All I can say is that the drugs don’t work no more

Greetings, Enraged Rhinoceros Ingests Chupacabra---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, July 16, 2010 (Guess what? Cymbalta™ can NOT help.):


(Two dreams from last night: in the first, We were holding a brainstorming meeting at “work” (whatever the h3ll THAT is). The male employees refused to meet in the same room as the female employees, and everybody kept leaving the meeting to go watch television. In the second dream, We were having a party at OurHouseWhereWeLive (which was now, inexplicably, OurTRAILERWhereWeLive). It was being attended solely by people who apparently wished to publicly demonstrate the fact that they are not speaking to Us. Someone informed Us that a tray of pineapple We had set out had spoiled. Then We woke up.)


(So please do NOT go buy tickets for Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus on Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live or on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage here or  here. We wouldn’t want the pleasure of performing for a large audience or the subsequent fiscal rewards to spoil Our foul mood.)


(Also, please do not go and view the video that We made recently, and certainly do not share the link with your friends, or repost the link on your SitOnMyFAceBook page, or do any of those things that We’ve probably done for you in the past. How could We possibly continue to enjoy feeling worthless if Our video accidentally went viral?)





)


(Thank you in advance for your typical inattention to these matters.)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


There aren't too many moments in life that are destined to go exactly the way you want them to (No sh1t.)


-- so when they arrive, (We would say you would know you were dreaming, but you’ve heard what OUR dreams are like.)


it's good to know about them, and even better to take advantage of them. (But it’s best to run them over with your car and then back up and run them over again.)


Yes, you guessed it (Are you in show business? (Because WE’RE obviously not.))


-- this is one of those moments. (Yes, ladies and gerbils, We are SO old that We are making Arlene Francis jokes. (The WorldWideInterWebNetz just collectively went, “WHO?”))


Now what should you do about this? (We are guessing that the answer is “fu(k it up, like everything else”.)


Will your libido be running on high? (Wouldn’t that be kind of pointless?)


Not exactly. (Mmm-hmm. So it WON’T be running on high. With Our luck, it’ll be running on “puree”.)


But you will be happily, pleasantly and willingly taken prisoner by your hormones -- and a benevolent, cooperative participant. (Our goodness, what a flowery sentence that was! Of course, p00p in a petunia patch still smells like p00p.)


Don't bother trying to bulldoze, push, prod, manipulate or insist. (FIVE verbs? Seriously? Is there no editor here whatsoever?)


It won't be necessary. (Ah-so, the infamous antecedentless “it”.)


Smile pretty (Yeah. THAT could happen.)


and suggest. (Oh, yeah. “Suggest”. People don’t do what We want them to when We tell them outright what it is, and you want Us to “suggest”? Fu(king @sshat.)


Oh, and bring your notes, just in case. (And here, We were thinking of bringing a big stick. (Aaaaannndd a Theodore Roosevelt joke. Just in case We weren’t already old enough.))


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):






http://www.humorscope.com




Help! I’ve cowgrass, and I can’t get up!)