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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

To heuvos rancheros and Maya Angelou

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toulouse-LautrecDay, January 3, 2012.  In case you are a naked skimmer, We shall tell you right up front to stay tuned after the Your-O-Scopes for a very important announcement.  Also, you may want to throw another log on the fire, as it’s very cold today, and you appear to have some serious shrinkage going on. (We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you eat cake.  Also, We saw where you put your fingers when you thought no one was looking.)

That’s why the lady has the cramps…

Oh, sorry; did no one tell you it was National Burst Into Song Day?

So We just realized We have a brand spanking (oooohhh!!!) new 2012 calendar into which We have yet to copy any of Our recurring events.  Such as, for example, your birthdays.  So We had to go hunt up Our 2011 calendar to see if anybody’s birthday was today. If it (subjunctively) had been, you would have been a whole year younger, because We were using an old calendar.  Unfortunately, nobody’s was; too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.

All that crap about calendars…We feel just like a Mayan.  Or Maya Angelou.  One of those.  Whichever one wears a loincloth.

Some of Our more desperate str8 boi readers are now pixturing Maya Angelou in a loincloth.  The rest of Us are hoping that, on a day like today, Our loincloths are fur-lined.

Str8 bois in loincloths and whiskey in kittens,
Bright popper bottles and Romneys named Mittens
Circumcised penises tied up with strings…
This is a list of quite disparate things.

We TOLD you it was National Burst Into Song Day.  (Meanwhile, how many songs do YOU know that have the word “disparate” in them?)

But, seriously…Maya Angelou in a loincloth? This makes you wax the carrot?  Sigh…str8 bois…can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot splooge in their eye.

(In other news, if you knew how long it took Us to think of the fact that that saying starts out “can’t live with ‘em”, you would send help over here immediately. (No, not THE Help.  Viola Davis in a starched apron would be every bit as useless to Us as Maya Angelou in a loincloth.  Jeebus!))

That there was a little cinematic pop culture reference.  Because We? Have Our pinger on the pulse. Also, We got the fever for the flavor of a Pringles™.  Whatever the fuck that means.

We totally feel like We are totally forgetting to tell you things.  Like, all day yesterday, after We had put the horoscope to bed (as it (subjunctively) were), We were totally all like, “Oh, We have to remember to tell them that tomorrow”, and now We totally forget what all those things were.

(Okay, that last paragraph?  Was Valley Girl Starzina.  Because We like to think outside Our box. (Our str8 boi readers All just popped boners thinking about Our box.  Little do they realize that, when you pull back Our fur-lined loincloth, Maya Angelou’s head pops out at you.))

Chinks and dykes and geeks better scurry
When you take a bath with Tim Curry
And you try to beat Fred MacMurray
With a riding crop…

(Which part of National Burst Into Song Day did you fail to understand?)

Meanwhile, did We mention how proud We are of this? (Naturally, that means We have to force Ourself to top it next time.)

You can share it with your friends using this:

And now:

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plane…

Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

You need to deal with your financial situation ASAP (Fine…if everybody who’s reading this right now sends Us a dollar, We can afford to buy a lottery ticket.)

— even if you feel that it could slide for a few weeks or months. (Could We just slide directly to retirement?)

Your mental energy is in the right place to take care of these issues.  (Also, Uranus is in your seventh house.  Of course, if you have seven houses, how bad can your financial problems really be?)

The greatest test of your patience today will not come from the usual source. (So you’re going to stop talking, eh, Kelli?)

 Instead, (No such luck.)

 your own wishes will be causing you to strain against your self-imposed leash. (Kinky!)

You’re ready to run ahead and grab what seems so close,  (Str8 bois in loincloths and whiskey…ooops, sorry.)

but that is not wise right now. (And We are nothing if not wise.)

Keep going at your current pace, (We are sitting still.)

because there is value in the journey you are taking. (Unless this chair grows wheels or becomes fart-propelled, this ain’t much of a journey.  Asshat.)

Skip over these crucial last steps, and you will also be skipping out on some very enlightening experiences.  (Skip to the loo, on the other hand, and you can have a lovely piddle.)

The more people you know, the better off you are right now. (Here’s hoping she means biblically.)

Connections, connections, connections  (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia)

— you can’t make enough of them. (Random musing: why are there no such things as PROnections?)

 Opportunities (And their knockers.)

will come quickly (Heh…Kelli said “come”.)

when you put yourself out there (If We get any farther “out there”, We’ll be on Uranus.)

and make your intentions known. (Not to be too specific about it, but Our intentions definitely involve your fur-lined loincloth.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.