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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Cutoffs and cameltoe…I cannot say no



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Winesday, January 18, 2012.

Before We do anything else, We must inform you that The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli, who will be appearing in the new season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race beginning later this month, is in town and will be appearing tonight here: http://www.facebook.com/events/147425735372094/ .  We are unable to be amongst those present Our Own Self Personally, but We hope that some of you will turn out and holla in Our absence.

(You realize, of course, that this means that today’s indexed celebrities will be Willam Belli, Ru Paul, and Charlene Tilton?  The joke practically writes itself…)

We are listening, as We type this, to an album entitled Candy Coated Cyanide by a local band called The Electric Boa.  Because We have friends who keep Us hep to the jive.

Speaking of the jive to which We are hep (and why does Micro$oft Weird™ refuse to acknowledge that “hep” is a word?  One can only imagine how much it would frown upon “hepcats”.), yesterday We shot the Aquarius episode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes.  But We’re not going to drop it until each and every one of you has watched this:


 And shared it with your friends:



And joined the Charlene Tilton fan club.

 And here’s The HorrorScope:

Your emotional side is making life much weirder for you right now, (You. Have. No. Idea.)

so make sure that you can find a new way to handle it. (Isn’t that what the drugs are for?)

You may need to try exercise (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-AH-HA-HA-HA!!!)

or even therapy, but you can make it happen. (We can also turn the world on with Our smile.  Also, We can take a nothing day and suddenly make it a steaming pile.)

Do not accept things at face value today (No, indeed.  Find out how many that face seats first.)

— just because someone says something is true doesn’t mean that it is. (However, if they say it ON THE INTERNETZ…)

Your generous nature (Have We met?)

will make it difficult for you to be skeptical of others, (We don’t believe that for a minute.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but healthy skepticism is valuable, especially today.  (So We can sell it for cash, then?)

In your school or work life, there is something intriguing going on beneath the surface. (That would be the flesh-eating bacteria.)

(There is currently a man with an accent in Our basement “changing the battery (?) on Our water meter”.  Are We about to be murdered?  And, if We are, in fact, about to be murdered, can We at least be raped first?)

(He’s gone.  We have been n either murdered nor raped.  Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.)

Your curiosity will be piqued, (“Piqued” is a peculiar word.  Ya know what else is peculiar?  We were SitOnMyFaceBook-inviting people to Willam’s show tonight, and SitOnMyFaceBook friends are, of course, arranged alphabetically by first name.  Ya know what’s a peculiar word when you see it over and over and over?  “Michael”.  Michael Michael Michael.  It totally stops looking like a word.  Unlike, say, Marcia Marcia Marcia.)

but minding your own business is probably the wisest tack. (Oh, shut up.)

Searching for that perfect mate should be fun instead of worrisome. (Yeah.  ‘Cause “perfect” happens.)

(Or, more to the point in Our case:  Yeah.  ‘Cause mating happens.)

Instead of thinking of dating as a necessary evil, imagine yourself as an adventurer searching for hidden treasure. (Is it just Us, or is that really, really dirty?)

The journey is where the excitement lies. (Well, then, find the keys and We’ll drive out.)

(Does anybody remember that joke?  If so, could remind Us how it winds up at that punchline?  Because We’re senile like that.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.