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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

They do the Monster Mash

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSailingWhichIsTotallyDifferentThanWentWassailing, January 25, 2012.  Happy birthday to Earl, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in HumpHumpLand. We trust you are Humping Away in your Humpity Way while seeing the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.  (Does anyone feel another children’s book coming on?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (Meanwhile, how peculiar a word is “Chevrolet”?  (Robert Goulet, Simone Signoret, Nanette Fabray.  (Have We actually had Nanette Fabray in the horoscope two days running?  Pretty amazing.  Especially the running, what with her being dead and all.))))

It’s like We’re losing Our minds….

We have, as you can see, absolutely nothing this morning.  Of course, the day after Ernest Borgnine’s birthday is always a let-down.  And Christmas was one month ago today.  Which means only 334 more shopping days till Christmas 2012.  We can’t wait to see what you’re buying Us this year…We trust you will be keeping the “Oh, Christ!” in Christmas.  (And the O’Christ in Saint Patrick’s Day, but that’s a whore in another cupboard.  (What does that expression even MEAN?))

Our complete lack of focus may be explained by the fact that We were at a focus group last night.  On the subject of vacation travel.  To, for the love of O’Christ, Connecticut.  Who the fuck DOES that?  We did Our level best to impress upon these people that, while We could certainly point in the direction in which Connecticut would be found (if We were (subjunctively) looking for it, which We are NOT), there is absolutely nothing that distinguishes it from Vermont, Rhode Island, or New Hampshire, except perhaps its utility as a suburb of New York, which only serves to confuse it with North Jersey.  In fact, of however many states there are in New England (didn’t We just sort out this “New” business the other day?), We can only manage to identify Massachusetts (that being where they keep Greater Bostonia) and Maine (that being the only US state that is also a Canadian province).

All that notwithstanding, We did in fact collect Our check.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

If your ambitions aren’t clear this morning, they will be by tonight. (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be in one of those teenage vampire movies.  Playing, no doubt, the vampire’s grandmother.  With an orthopedic cape and Our fangs in a glass by Our bed.  Sigh.)

You need to focus (Please don’t say “focus”…it makes Us think of Connecticut.  And who needs to do that?)

on your deepest desires and see what you can do to bring them closer to life. (Contrary to popular belief, We actually are always out there pitching.  (To use one of those sports metaphors of which We are so fond.)  Apparently, however, We have very complicated desires.  With streetcars named after them.)

It’s easier than you think!  (So are We!  But nobody ever lets Us prove it.)

Is your ambition exerting too much control over your life? (Didn’t you just tell Us that would all be clear by tonight?  Like, seriously, three sentences ago?  If YOU’RE not listening to yourself talk, why should We?)

Nope!  (Does anyone actually say “Nope!” in real life?)

That’s simply not possible, today. (Then apparently it is one of six things We shall have to do before breakfast.  (That was the second brilliant litter-hairy allusion so far.  Try to keep up…there will be a quiz.))

In fact, you have got to get on that career ladder and climb more aggressively. (In THESE shoes?!?)

Moving yourself upward should be your top priority right now — mostly because all the conditions are perfect for you to succeed! (Well, it’s a good thing We’re not trying to fail, then, innit?)

By the end of the day, you will be very happy about where you’ve ended up. (Bed?)

The symbols expressed in your dreams are truly significant when it comes to your dating life. (If you’d seen any of Our dreams lately, you’d be very, very afraid.)

Tap into the subconscious — it holds answers to your waking hours. (We’re a geriatric vampire.  We drink blood out of varicose veins.)

(It’s a pity Halloween’s so far off, innit?)

Don’t laugh it off: those weird dreams are telling you something. (We don’t even dare contemplate.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.