Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MoaningMonday, January 9, 2012. In a fit of industry this weekend, We took down Our Twissmas Twee just ONE DAY after The Feast Of The Epiphany (why dat betch gess her own feass, We ain’t gots no damn idea (Who the hell let Sucretia in here? Mitochondria, lock the door! Saliva, call the POlice!)), which would be the earliest We have ever done such a thing since We started erecting (ahem) a twee.
Nice weather We’re having, though.
Is it just Us, or was there enough comedy in that first paragraph to last the entire week?
Meanwhile, poor Himself. If he’s not having the recurring nightmare in which he still has to report to the EAC every day, despite having been made redundant and earning no salary, then he’s having the recurring nightmare about going back to school and having to take the final for a class he’s never attended, or the recurring nightmare about being stuck on top of some high place and unable to get down. It’s a wonder he still has the balls to go to sleep at all. Fortunately, there’s no shortage of balls around here.
In other news, whatever is going on in The Heavens, it is clearly a full moon on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, as the cray-crays are out in full force.
And to top it all off, Kristy McNichol is a lesbian. Who saw THAT coming? Well, apparently not all those people who are saying, “Who the fuck is Kristy McNichol?”
Speaking of Aretha Franklin’s hat, go watch this:
And share it with your friends:
Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that Kristy McNichol and Meredith Baxter Birney were both on Family, and have both come out as lesbians. Sada Thompson always struck Us as a little butch as well…One wonders what Charlene Tilton would have to say about all of that. Alternatively, The HorrorScope:
(OMG, this just in, it is apparently Kate Middleton’s birthday! How We managed to be uninformed of this fact until this very moment, We haven’t got any idea! Of course, We’ve heard precious little out of The Royals since the nuptials…Her Royal Heinie Princess Kate must be pounding the Princely Pony morning, noon, and night. Anorexic bitch.)
Your family is even more important to you than usual today, (And yet, We don’t see any of them doing Our chores or running Our errands. Chop, chop, people! This house ain’t gonna clean itself!)
so make sure that you’re listening carefully (Sorry, what?)
and letting them know you’re there for them. (No, We are HERE for them. Being THERE would require that We move.)
You can score some major points! (Especially if Prince Harry is the goalie. Scrum, Bay-Bee, scrum!)
(That’s a rugby word, ya know. We would tell you what it means, but there are ladies present. Use your imaginations.)
Can’t decide whether to take the plunge on a big purchase, a new relationship or another potentially perilous venture? (That sentence was just one P shy of being alliteratively annoying. Asshat.)
(Heh. She said “pee shy”. By the seashore.)
You may be acting too cautiously (So We should be careful not to do that?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— beware of second-guessing yourself. (But what if Our first guess was wrong?)
Right now, you might as well jump right into the deep end! (That’s what Princess Kate said to her hubby on their wedding night.)
(That was a little buggery joke. The Brits love buggery jokes. (What’s that? You don’t, you say? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))
Have the courage to face whatever happens, (Starzina Starfish-Browne gives good face.)
and more importantly have confidence in yourself. (We are wearing Depends™.)
Hesitation and diffidence will only cause important opportunities to pass you by. (To say nothing of their knockers. (No, really…say NOTHING.))
Today you might feel the urge to be reflective. (Wow. That’s heavy. Really heavy. We’ll have what she’s smoking.)
Allow yourself some time to think about the past, but only for a small amount. (All things considered, We’d rather think about the pasta.)
The longer you loiter on memory lane, the harder it will be to be mindful of the present. (“Loiter” is a peculiar word, no? Loit…loiter…loitest… appears as though it should be related to “toilet”…okay, never mind.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.