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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Everything free in America, for a small fee in America

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TooncesTheDrivingCat, January 10, 2012.  Himself is still fast abed, and who can blame him?  If everyone’s New Year’s Resolution is going to be “Thwart Himself at every turn”, he should at least get a warning, so he knows to stay in bed till March or April.  Jeebus.

As you may have sensed, We got nothin’.  Christmas is but a distant memory, the New Year is apparently a personal affront, and nobody seems to be getting into the Martin Luther King Day spirit.  Not a single one of Our neighbors has so much as a Martin Luther King Day front window display this year.  So We can only imagine how they’ll react when We finally decide to go caroling.  And not even the Dollar General has a decent selection of Martin Luther King Day greeting cards or gift wrap.  Lord knows where We’re ever to obtain Our Martin Luther King Day tree.  Sigh.  What’s a Seasonally Affective Disordered Person to do?

We shall pause here, whilst you pixture Us Martin Luther King Day caroling.  Because We live to amuse you.

Speaking of amusements, We have finally abandoned Season Three of Damages, and have taken up instead the latest season of Dexter. Because nothing brightens up Our January like a little serial killing.  (Well, perhaps not nothing.  There’s a little cereal killing as well.  Because there are any number of people We’d like to imagine choking to death on their Cocoa Puffs™.)  To ease the transition, (and to take the sting out of having to admit that there exists television that is smarter than We are) over the weekend We watched Burlesque. Which is a musical fillum starring Animatronic Cher, and that Latina singer…you know, Chita Moreno Rivera Rita Chiquita Banana.  (We used to get her confused with that woman who sings with the Black Eyed Peas, but then We realized that she’s the one with the mustache.)

Sunday on CBS: an all-new season of The Amazing Racist.

Speaking of Chinese food, with six you get egg roll.  Also, ten placenta off with coupon. Also,  go watch this:

 And share it with your friends.  Both of them.  (Really, is it too much to ask that Our fame should be spreading just a little?  Does NO ONE understand how the WorldWideInterWebNetz work?  We don’t make these videos JUST so bois in G-strings can parade up and down Our stairs.  (Oh, did you miss the Virgo edition?  Check it out at: )):

Something Something Charlene Tilton.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

You need to deal with a parental issue. (Aaaannnddd as if it weren’t (subjunctively) all bad enough, Bitch is trying to peddle Us somebody else’s horoscope as Our Own.)

That could mean dealing with your kids, your parents, or needing to intervene between two generations of some other family. (It could also mean that winged monkeys will fly out of Our ass playing The Star-Spangled Banner  on the glockenspiel.  Or it may not.  (What the fuck kind of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation) is “it may mean…”?))

(You’re picturing that winged monkey thing now, aren’t you?  Pervert.)

You’ve got what it takes!  (It takes a thief.  Also, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper™.  Also also, it takes two to tango, in a tutu.  So if We can just get three friends to come over, We can dance around and steal your Whopper™.)

(Tutu…tango…Robert Wagner’s Whopper™…somewhere in there is more comedy.  And if We had the proper utensil, We’d scrape it out.)

There is a huge risk that someone will overreact to something you say today or that you will overreact to something you hear. (HOW DARE YOU! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  SHUT UP!  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But don’t try to censor yourself to prevent a blowup. (Goddamn fuckin’-A right, bitchass.)

You will just end up confusing yourself (How is that even possible?)

and diluting your message. (No texting in the shower.)

Carry on as you normally would, (You heard the lady.)

and deal with any emotional outbursts as they come. (The latest emotional outburst around here was all you old folks weeping when you realized you understood why Robert Wagner appeared in that paragraph earlier.)

Roll with the punches, (And have punch in your Rolls.  Doesn’t that sound a lot classier?)

and you might even have fun coming up with a solution.  (Well, first We’d need a problem.)

Not feeling great about a recent relationship decision? (No…why SHOULDN’T We make an effort to expand The List Of People We’ve Seen Naked?)

Maybe you should rethink your choices. (Wait…We have choices?!?)

If it’s not set in stone, change your mind. (Into what?)

It’s important to feel 100 percent sure about the big stuff.  (So We DO sweat the big stuff?  We’re confused.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.